is weight loss common during pregnancy

This post is not about how to cloth diaper, but about the cost of cloth diapering. We have not cloth diapered before. I really wanted to cloth diaper with our third pregnancy, but when we found out we were having twins, I feel like I talked myself out of it. In some ways I wish we had (budget); in other ways, I think it all worked out (convenience of disposables). Regardless, this time, I am cloth diapering come hell or high water.

Realizing this morning that I am almost 36 weeks pregnant, I figured it was about time to get baby #4s things together. My sister and I set out this morning to get all the last minute supplies I need before we have a newborn in the house (nursing pads, breast milk storage bags, pacifiers, etc). We also went by my new favorite local baby store and picked up all the things we will need to start off cloth diapering.

Im pretty pleased when I look at the bottom line of cloth diapering compared to the bottom line of disposable diapering. As of right now, I have enough supplies to conservatively cloth diaper through the toddler years. I will most definitely be buying more cloth diapers (and possibly supplies) before our cloth diaper days are through, but this supply is a very good start. I know that some of these things (for instance, the hand-me-down prefolds) are not things that everyone has ready access to-- such as a first time mom-- but other things (like my used BumGenius Elementals) can be found if you keep an eye out.

So here are the numbers:

11 BumGenius Elemental All-in-One Diapers for $87.50

When I set out this time to cloth diaper, someone tipped me off to the BumGenius All-in-Ones. Since my husband is still somewhat skeptical about cloth diapering, I love that they work exactly like disposable diapers. The more I learned about them, the more I knew they would be the diapers for us. I firmly believe that chatting about these types of things with friends opens doors and in this case it definitely did. One of my mommy friends found a great deal on a local cloth diaper swap Facebook page and asked if I wanted to split the stash with her. Even better, they were the BumGenius Elemental All-in-Ones, the organic version of the All-in-One diapers I had decided upon. With that deal, I purchased 11 BumGenius Elemental All-in-One diapers for $87.50.

Estimated retail on (1) BumGenius Elemental All-in-One diaper: $24.99

Approximate price I paid per diaper: $8

 

6 Thirsties Duo Wraps for $81.00

I went to my local baby store to chat with the gal about cloth diapers. She tipped me off that the regular size BumGenius All-in-One diapers (as well as the Elementals) are not ideal for the newborn days. I asked her what she recommended and she said that she really liked using the prefold diapers with the Thirsties Duo Wraps. I was excited about this because we used Gerber prefold diapers with our first 3 boys as burp cloths. I have an entire bin of them. The gal at the baby store said that 6 Thirsties Duo Wraps would be enough to get started cloth diapering in the newborn days, which is what I went with. I did not buy any more prefold diapers because we have so many hand-me-downs.
Price I paid per diaper: $13.50

 

2 Planet Wise Pail Liners for $36.00

One of the most convenient aspects of cloth diapering is the wet bag. I love the idea of throwing it all in my washer instead of sorting through soaking buckets. Since Im setting up a diaper changing station for easier cloth diapering at home, I decided to go with 2 Planet Wise Pail Liners, one to use while the other is being washed.
Price I paid per pail liner: $18.00

 

1 medium Planet Wise Wet Bag for $17.00

The gal at the baby store told me that she uses just one wet bag for on the go. She said that when she gets home, shell often just dump the contents of her wet bag into her diaper pail instead of having to wash it every time. So, to start with, I only bought 1 medium Planet Wise Wet Bag to use on the go.

 

1 Planet Wise Wipe Pouch for $11.00

Well, I bought an adorable wet bag with a monster design on it... Then I saw the adorable matching wipe holder. And I knew I had to get that to. This was my only frivolous cloth diaper purchase. Yes, I could do without it. Yes, it is super cute.

 

1 6-pack of Thirsties Fab Reusable Baby Wipes for $13.00

For wipes, most of my friends make their own cloth wipes by cutting up old receiving blankets and the like. I also plan on doing this, but I did decide to buy a pack of Thirsties Fab Reusable Baby Wipes just to help get me started. That way, at least, I have "nice wipes" to try and I can always buy more if I just absolutely love them over the ones I make myself. I did remember the diaper budget and so I only bought 1 pack of wipes. ;)

 

4 bottles of BabyGanics Loads of Love detergent, unscented, for $33.98

One thing Ive been told about cloth diapers is that you need to be careful what you wash them in. I make my own detergent (read my blog post "Homemade Household Cleaners") and it has Borax in it. When I was talking to the gal at the baby store, she recommended using a detergent without Borax. Her store carries the Rockin Green Classic Rock Motley Clean detergent for around $20.00 a bag. I was planning on buying a bag to try out. However, when I was at BabiesRUs, they had the BabyGanics Loads of Love detergent at buy one get one free, $13.99 for 2. I couldnt pass up the deal and so I bought 4 bottles of it. Well see how I like it. Ive heard really good things about the Rockin Green detergent, so I can always fall back on that if the BabyGanics detergent doesnt work as well as I would like it to.

 

The total cost for all of this is $290.54.

According to the chart on Aware Beginnings Doula Services, you will need 8-10 diapers between the ages of 6-12 months, if you wash daily, with that number going down further after 12 months; I have 11 All-in-One diapers. For the newborn days, the Thirsties Duo Wraps are a diaper cover with the actual diaper being the prefold, which I have a surplus of. The gal at my baby store said the Thirsties do not need to be washed every time, but on an as needed basis. Going off of this chart, the diaper supply I have built up at just under $300 could last me until toddlerhood!

Talking to my friends who have started cloth diapering and who have been cloth diapering for a long time (second and third children in cloth diapers), I know that there will be additional expenses along the way. For instance, when we are moving, we will have to figure out the cloth diaper situation. We still have to install a diaper sprayer in the bathroom we plan on setting up our changing station; running between $40-$60 new, I plan on having my husband build one himself (check out this blog post: "DIY Tutorial: Make Your Own Diaper Sprayer"). We will probably end up buying more BumGenius All-in-Ones. But what Im most pleased about is that this is a great start. There is no rush to go buy anything else.

These are the diapers we bought for our children in the past:

Pampers Swaddlers Newborn Size: 88 count at $19.95 with Amazon Subscribe and Save
$0.22 a diaper

Pampers Swaddlers Size 1: 148 count at $25.99 with Amazon Subscribe and Save
$0.17 a diaper

Pampers Swaddlers Size 2: 132 count at $25.99 with Amazon Subscribe and Save
$0.19 a diaper

Pampers Baby Dry Size 2: 160 count at $31.99 with Amazon Subscribe and Save
$0.19 a diaper

Pampers Baby Dry Size 3: 180 count at $27.68 with Amazon Subscribe and Save
$0.15 a diaper

Pampers Baby Dry Size 4: 180 count at $36.79 with Amazon Subscribe and Save
$0.20 a diaper

Pampers Baby Dry Size 5: 160 count at $37.75 with Amazon Subscribe and Save
$0.23 a diaper

Pampers Cruisers Size 3: 174 count at $36.70 with Amazon Subscribe and Save
$0.21 a diaper

Pampers Cruisers Size 4: 136 count at $36.26 with Amazon Subscribe and Save
$0.26 a diaper

Pampers Cruisers Size 5: 96 count at $28.46 with Amazon Subscribe and Save
$0.29 a diaper

Target Brand Diapers (Up & Up) Size 5: 138 count at $28.99
$0.21 a diaper

With our oldest, we used Pampers Swaddlers from newborn size up to size 2, then we switched Pampers Cruisers (the Baby Dry diapers made him rash).

With our twins, we used Pampers Swaddlers from newborn to size 2, then we switched to Pampers Baby Dry before eventually switching to Target Brand. When we could, we bought biodegradable diapers, but, for the most part, we used Pampers.

For wipes:

Pampers Sensitive Wipes: 448 count at $8.78 with Amazon Subscribe and Save
$0.019 a wipe

The chart from Aware Beginnings Doula Services says you will change 10-12 diapers a day up to 6 months of age. Using their statistics and the prices of the diapers I bought for our kids in the past, here is the estimated cost of diapering one child for the first 4 months, about the time my girlfriends have been switching from Thirsties to All-in-Ones:

 

10 diapers a day x 28 days = 280 diapers / 88 diapers in Newborn Swaddlers = 3.18 boxes of diapers

 

4 boxes of Pampers Newborn Swaddlers = $79.80

 

+ 1 box of Pampers Sensitive Wipes = $88.58 for the first month of diapering

 

10 diapers a day x 28 days = 280 diapers / 148 diapers in Swaddlers Size 1 = 1.89 boxes of diapers

 

2 boxes of Pampers Size 1 Swaddlers = $51.98

 

+ 1 box of Pampers Sensitive Wipes = $60.78 for the second month

 

10 diapers a day x 28 days = 280 diapers / 132 diapers in Swaddlers Size 2 = 2.12 boxes of diapers

 

3 boxes of Pampers Size 2 Swaddlers = $77.97

 

+ 1 box of Pampers Sensitive Wipes = $86.75 for the third month

 

10 diapers a day x 28 days = 280 diapers / 160 Size 2 Baby Dry = 1.75 boxes of diapers

 

2 boxes of Pampers Baby Dry Size 2 diapers = $63.96

 

+ 1 box of Pampers Sensitive Wipes = $72.74 for the fourth month

 

For four months of conservative disposable diapering, the total cost of diapers and wipes is $300.07

Buying all of the supplies to cloth diaper cost me $290.54 and that number includes diapering from newborn to toddlerhood.

 

The $300.07 does not include Diaper Genie Refills, which we also use, and it also gave a conservative estimate on wipes. Some months we used a lot of wipes and some months not as much. We did use roughly a box a month.

 

I do also want to note that when you look at the price of the links I have for cloth diapering, most of the numbers on Amazon are slightly lower than the prices I listed from my local baby store, usually by about a $1 or $2. Shopping online is so convenient as a stay-at-home mom and I do it often. However, I love to support local businesses when I can (usually used book stores). Local baby stores are a great way to save money on items like these because most of them offer a customer loyalty program. When we bought our Baby Jogger City Select, that is how we saved money buying all of the accessories. That is why I made the choice to shop at a local store versus buying everything off of Amazon.
?

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It seems a lot of people avoid the commissaries for any number of reasons or are in support of them for the "lower enlisted." Personally, I think commissaries are full of savings that benefit all ranks, especially our family of five (soon to be six). I also think that shopping at the commissary and thus supporting it with my dollars is a way to ensure continued commissary benefits both for my family and for other military families, especially the OCONUS locations where the commissary benefits are crucial. Some of the complaints against the commissary, I believe, are made without an understanding as to how the commissary operates and is funded. I hope this blog post sheds some light on why you should shop at the commissary and how to get around the somewhat inconvenient aspects of commissary shopping, such as limited hours and tipping.

Commissaries are a non-profit organization ran by the Defense Commissary Agency (DeCA). From the DeCA website:

Although commissaries collectively realize sales of about $5 billion per year, there is no profit generated on these sales. By law, commissaries are required to sell goods at prices that are set at a level to recover the cost of goods, with no profit built into these prices. There are also very stringent legal controls on the ways that DeCA can use taxpayer monies that Congress provides to operate commissaries.

Commissaries run on appropriated funding, meaning tax payers support the commissaries and funding is regularly voted on. Remember during the sequester when all the commissaries shutdown? This was due to the fact that commissaries operate on appropriated funding (read my blog post, "Government shutdown," and Military.coms 2013 article, "Commissary Cuts Remain Likely"), unlike exchanges which operate on non-appropriated funding. The prices at the commissary also reflect a 5% surcharge on each purchase. Question and answer on the DeCA webpage, "why does DeCA make me pay a surcharge on my commissary purchase?"

Surcharge is applied to the total value of each commissary purchase because the Congress has mandated collection of surcharge (currently 5 percent) to pay for commissary construction, equipment and maintenance. All surcharge dollars collected are returned to commissary patrons in the form of continually improved commissary facilities. The amount of surcharge applied to a commissary sale transaction is shown as "SCG" on your sales receipt.

What exactly does this surcharge pay for? From the DeCA Working Capital Fund Fiscal Year 2000/2001 Biennial Budget Estimates Operating Budget, page 2:

Surcharge Collections represents a third major source for funding commissary operations. Surcharge Collections is a trust fund primarily funded by a five percent surcharge applied to patron sales at the check-out counter. This fund was established so authorized patrons share responsibility for overall costs of commissary operations, including commissary supplies, equipment, utilities at CONUS locations, information management equipment and support, and commissary construction program. This fund also receives revenue from prompt payment discounts, the sale of used cardboard and equipment, and services provided to others.

Page 3 of the same report outlines the differences between CONUS and OCONUS commissary locations and the absolute importance of OCONUS locations to military families:

OCONUS and remote locations cost more per dollar of sales than CONUS locations, using about 45 percent of available appropriated fund support to produce 22 percent of sales. These commissaries are more expensive because operating and support costs in foreign and remote locations are higher. Many locations service small-to-medium military populations with smaller sales and higher fixed costs. Additionally, there are significant support costs incurred in providing U.S. food products and household items to overseas locations, e.g., transportation of $156 million in FY 2000.

...In spite of these cost considerations, commissary operations overseas are efficient and effective because DeCA’s infrastructure provides economies that are not achievable by other alternatives. The commissary system is also instrumental in reducing cost of living allowances (COLA) overseas by providing low-cost groceries.

The commissary system is critical in supporting military members and their families overseas. This military population does not have adequate alternative shopping available. OCONUS commissaries are more than a place for acquiring groceries. They are an essential "life-line" of the overseas military community and their quality of life.

 The general rule of thumb is that shopping at the commissary will save you on average 30% than what you would pay at an average grocery store. The commissary also is very coupon friendly. Overseas commissaries even accept manufacturer coupons 6 months past their expiration date. For the complete coupon policy at the commissary, check out this link: "Coupon Use in Commissaries." One difference between couponing at the commissary and couponing at an average grocery store is that commissaries do not have loss leaders (check out the Crazy Coupon Ladys post "Whats a Loss Leader and How Do I Find One at my Supermarket?"). The DeCA website explains why the commissary does not offer loss leaders: "Because commissaries are required by law to sell items at cost-- neither higher nor lower– we cant offer loss leaders." The commissary also changes its flier on a different schedule than average grocery stores, according to their website:

Stateside commissaries change prices twice a month, as opposed to the private sector, where prices are changed weekly or more frequently. Commissary prices are changed on the 1st and 16th of each month and are usually in effect for 30 to 45 days. These price changes are generally about a 50-50 mix, with some prices being lowered as items go on a special promotion or sale and some raised as items come off a special promotion or sale. 

 Even without loss leaders, the commissary website claims:

However, although you may find selected items at lower prices in commercial stores, our price surveys provide convincing evidence that-if you shop regularly in a commissary for all or virtually all of your grocery needs--you will save 30 percent or more on your grocery bill versus what you would pay in a commercial store for the same array of items.

The National Military Associations article, "Protecting Our Commissary Savings," states:

A military family of four saves $4,500 a year when regularly using the commissary. Multiply that average savings by the number of military families who use the commissary and you see how effectively and efficiently the $1.4 billion [appropriated funding] is used.

In the About.com USMilitary "What the Recruiter Never Told You" Part 13 Military Commissaries and Exchanges article by Rod Powers, he compares commissary prices with WalMart Super Store prices:

In preparation for this article, I visited a local Wal Mart "Super Store," and bought $103.57 worth of groceries. I then made a list of the items I bought and traveled to Patrick AFB... At the commissary there, I priced the exact same items. According to DeCA, my commissary bill should have been around $70.00. Had I actually purchased the items, my bill would have been $85.52. Tack on the 5 percent surcharge, and it would have been $89.79. I wont count the baggers tip, as Commissary baggers not only bag your groceries but take them outside and load them into your car. Thats worth every penny of the tip, in my opinion. My total discount would have been 13.3 percent.

Tipping at the commissary is subjective. I typically do not carry cash. However, when checking out at the commissary, I can request specific dollar amounts of cash back when paying with my debit card. The last time I went to the commissary I requested $10 cash back in the form of one $5 and five $1. The baggers at the commissary work entirely off of tips and are not government or commissary employees. I generally put $1-$2 in the jar if I do not have the baggers take my groceries to the car and about $5 for a normal grocery load if they do. $2-$5 is generally considered acceptable when tipping at the commissary. Often times I tip more over holidays or when I have an exceptionally large or cumbersome load. Using the self-checkout at the commissary does not require tipping.
 
According to the DeCA Working Capital Fund Fiscal Year 2000/2001 Biennial Budget Estimates Operating Budget, page 3, "Commissary operating hours and days are determined by sales, patron demographics, and local installation needs. Due to funding limitations, commissaries are open an average of 48 hours a week." The same report estimates on page 22 that an average grocery store is open roughly 117 hours a week, just to compare the differences between commissary hours and average grocery store hours. While the commissary often has limited hours, they generally open their doors a half hour before the cash registers are open. This is very convenient for me when shopping with the kids. I can do my shopping when the commissary is still relatively empty and get to the cash registers right when they open, making for a speedy check out. Even so, the limited shopping hours are often inconvenient for my family. The commissary opens later than most other area grocery stores. On weekends when we are making big pancake breakfasts and run out of an ingredient, it is often before the commissary is open. Or when my hubby calls on his way home from school and I want him to swing by the commissary for something, it is often when the commissary is closing or right before, forcing him to use a different grocery store. And just like the Chick-Fil-A law (anyone else only crave Chick-Fil-A on Sundays?), we inevitably need something from the commissary on the day it is closed.
 
The previous quote from the DeCA Working Capital Fund Fiscal Year 2000/2001 Biennial Budget Estimates Operating Budget
brings up a very valid point: "Commissary operating hours and days are determined by sales, patron demographics, and local installation needs." This is where the responsibility falls on us, the commissary shoppers. If we arent shopping at our local commissaries, the hours will continue to get cut and commissaries will continue to close. While the commissary is not the vital lifeline for us here in South Carolina as it was for us in Hawaii, shopping at CONUS locations helps keeps OCONUS locations afloat, balancing out the commissaries non-profit budget. How important are these commissary locations to military families? This article on Hawaii News Now, "Milk Prices in Hawaii Go Up" by Beth Hillyer, outlines the prices of milk in Hawaii, "The highest price we found on Oahu for a gallon of whole milk was $8.99 on sale for $7.49 if you have a value card. The cheapest was Costco for $4.99 per gallon." This article obviously doesnt include commissary prices on milk, but you can see how shopping at an average grocery store in Hawaii for the basics starts adding up!

So where do I stand on commissary prices? Do I think that they are always much less than shopping out in town? Here in South Carolina, no. For the bulk of our family shopping, we go to Costco (read my post, "Family diet verses family budget"). In general, Costco has lower prices on more of the staples of our family grocery list than my local commissary. Do I think the commissary in general has lower prices than an average grocery store here in South Carolina? Yes, especially when loss leaders are not on our list and we are just getting those in-between Costco trips items or small portions of things we couldnt buy at Costco (fresh herbs, for instance). Do I think that dealing with the "hassle" of the commissary is worth supporting this service to military families? Absolutely.
 
Here are a list of common complaints against the commissary-- many of which are my own complaints when compared to an average grocery store-- and how I deal with them to continue to support this service:

 1. They do not offer online grocery shopping.
I love online grocery shopping, as Ive mentioned in several previous blog posts. Where we live in South Carolina, there are no local grocery stores convenient that offer online grocery shopping, so this really isnt much of an issue for me. If I had to choose between shopping at the commissary or placing an order online with Harris Teeter... I think it would be a much harder choice for me. As is, I have the choice to either go in to a local grocery store or to go into our commissary. I usually choose the commissary, unless it is closed or pay day.
 
2. Their check out system is ridiculous.
Well, I agree. I do not like the big ole one line system. My friends without kids tell me it moves fast. Standing in that one line with all three of my kids is about as much fun as taking the boys with me to the clinic on base (which I also do). Since our boys are so young (5-years old and 3-years old), I solve this by going early in the day, arriving when they open the door, about half hour before the registers open. Ive even taken them all on pay day-- totally unintentionally. I get our shopping done and am either the first or second person in line. When I only have one or two items I need, arriving early works great too because I can be first in line for self-check out and we really are in and out.
 
3. You have to tip the baggers.
Maybe Im frivolous, but this doesnt really bother me. I never have cash, so Im always glad I can request cash back when I check out. I generally dont like the baggers coming out to the car with me. The mini van is impossible to load groceries in with the stroller in the back and our toddlers are always a hot mess to load up. Most of the time, I have them load my groceries back into my shopping cart and put a tip in their jar. The $1-$5 doesnt feel like a big deal and the times I take my hubbys car without the kids, I like having my groceries loaded up for me.

4. The commissary is so... dark.
Yeah, it isnt bright and fancy like Harris Teeter or Whole Foods. But neither is Costco. It may not have the upscale look, but it does the job. This is our fourth duty station; weve shopped at all different types of grocery stores across the country. The commissary just really doesnt bother me.

And here are some links to help with your commissary shopping:

 

The blog "Commissary Deals" teaches you not only how to coupon at the commissary, but tips you off to current deals! Learn the commissarys coupon policy, how to navigate commissary sales, and how to make the most of case lot sales. New to couponing? Check out the Getting Started: Learn to Coupon tab. This website is seriously a treasure trove of useful links (check out the Categories and Topics menu on the right hand side of the page!).

 

SpouseBuzzs blog post, "Price Expert: Commissary vs WalMart"

 

Military.coms article, "Study Confirms 30% Savings at Commissaries"

 

InCharges article by Ellie Kay, "Go Crazy for Coupons! Commissary Shopping Tips"

 

Note: Ive mentioned it before, but I am not a couponer. I know many people coupon which is why I provided the links for couponing at the commissary. I save money when doing our family grocery shopping by sticking to our list and minimizing our trips to the store. :)

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weight loss due to vomiting during pregnancy

Since Im in the mood for moving anyway (preparing to move the whole family + all our stuff across the Atlantic soon) I decided to move my blog too.
You can now find my shiny new blog at babyattachmode.wordpress.com. Please come and check it out!

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For some reason, entering week 30 has really made me think that I havent got long to go at all.  10 weeks really doesnt sound like a very long time to me, and I cant quite believe that 30 weeks of this pregnancy have gone by already!

I have felt quite well this last week, and apart from a slight hiccup on Friday night, there have been no Braxton Hicks or false labour moments! Ok, ok, so you want to hear about the hiccup on Friday night.  

Basically, I have been getting really fed up of my hair.  Its so long now and takes so long to dry that I have debated whether to just cut it all off and be done with it. Usually when I start thinking these thoughts, I change the colour a little and then I like my hair for a few more months. 

So, I saw some hair dye in Boots that gave you a bronde type of colour (not quite blonde but not quite brown).  You apply the dye with a little brush rather than applying it to your whole head and I thought this sounded fantastic as it meant the colour wasnt coming into direct contact with my scalp, and therefore would be a better alternative during pregnancy. All I can say is that home alone with my daughter on Friday night, a few hours later and my hair had turned a really lovely streaky shade of orange!!! 

At 7pm, I rushed to Boots with a tired toddler in tow, and orange hair in a bun (I actually hid from someone I knew because I thought it looked that bad!!!!). I was a bit dubious of the bottles claiming to completely strip my hair of the colour, so I opted for another hair colour to mask my orange barnet. 

Now, I picked up dark blonde, and whilst my hair colour is no longer orange, its also darker than I wanted (I had originally wanted to go lighter).  I spent the next few hours sitting staring at my hair and then, in a bid to almost cause myself more pain, I started Googling if you should dye your hair whilst pregnant (bearing in mind I had already dyed it). 

I have to say, no one has actually noticed my hair colour change.  I had to tell my husband what I had done before he realised and my friends are none the wiser (unless everyone is just being very kind).  I wouldnt mind so much, but Ive dyed my hair a funny shade of orange at least three times now.  I thought you were meant to get wiser as you got older??????

But enough about my hair disaster which I am completely blaming on pregnancy hormones (though I think we all know thats no excuse) back to baby news.  

We have finally bought a new pram, a new bed for our daughter (so her bed can convert back into the cot), and a new cot mattress.  As I type this, I am waiting for the deliveries to arrive, but I have a sneaky suspicion that I am going to have to wait in all day, and then they will come at 5pm or something.  Grrrrrr. 

Baby is also moving lots this afternoon.  And we also dont have a name. I have to have a name picked out ready, because there is no way I can just come up with one on the spot after labour.  Every night me and my husband debate a lengthy list of boys and girls names.  But its ok, we have another ten weeks to decide!!! Eeeek! 

Thanks for reading and have a lovely weekend, 

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Me, Im waiting so patiently, lying on the floor

Im just trying to do my jigsaw puzzle before it rains anymore?

-The Rolling Stones

Well, the past week has been an adventure. An adventure? Maybe a trial, a test, or a lesson in patience would be a better way to describe it. It sounds like one of my friends has had a similar week (see her blog: "A typical ordinary day").

This week was strange. I dont know why my babies have been resisting naps, which they otherwise enjoy. Our day yesterday:

O woke up at 0700, which is much, much too early for a momma who (now) rarely goes to bed before midnight and expects to wake up somewhere around 0830/0900. Begrudgingly, I realized around 0715 that his sporadic fussing was not going to cease and dragged myself to the coffee maker. After feeding O and D breakfast-- D was so excited to see Momma out of bed that early-- I did my devotional. D informed me that God likes "flat Bibles," as he opened his Bible and smoothed it open. If that means Bibles that are being read, I would have to agree. Around 0900, I realized C should probably come join the rest of the world. After sneaking into his room and gently waking him, he rolled over and gave me a look that I can only describe as adolescent, "Why are you waking me at this hour??" Breakfast for the tired baby before off to play time...

Play time didnt happen. C wanted to run after D, who did not want his toys touched. O wanted all of Cs toys; C want Os toys; D wanted Cs toys... round and round and round. Can I take one-year old twins and a three-year old to counseling to talk about the root of their sharing issues? "Why do you feel like you dont want your brother to push trucks with you?" "Well, it all started when I was around 13-months. You see..."

All three boys felt that the best person to get involved in a screaming blood bath was, of course, me. I had a one-year old hanging off my yoga pants. A one-year old clinging to me like a baby monkey. A three-year old following behind and whining. And a sweet, dumb dog thinking this meant we were going for a walk. ("Leash!? Walk!? Door!?" No, Louis, me walking around the house with all three boys hanging on me does not mean we are going for a walk. Please stop barking and jumping in front of me.) And so, at 1030, I felt naptime was the best solution. Off to bed with the one-year olds. To the couch with the three-year old. ("Do I get to watch a movie?" "No, D man, you do not." "Can I watch Hercules?" "Well, I guess so. I like Hercules." My three-year old has caught on to my weakness for Disney movies.)

Once in their cribs, do I hear silence from the moments ago wailing one-year olds? No. I hear peals of laughter. What. Are. They. Laughing. About. I want to go in and see, but, as Momma, if I walk in there, that will be the end of any naptime that possibly could have taken place. I read Ephesians instead. Perhaps Paul can rouse the peace of the Lord in me. (Psalm 119:165, "Great peace have those who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble.") I had previously written a blog concerning several of the verses in Ephesians titled "We can work it out." So I get all pumped up again. I will not exasperate my children. I will watch my words (much of chapter 4 and 5 are dedicated to our words-- extremely convicting for a parent who is constantly talking, "Sit down. Do not hit. We do not ride our brothers like horses. We do not throw books."). I decide to spend the time the boys are "sleeping" to write. Which does not happen.

D sees me sit down and is immediately intrigued. "What are you doing? Are you writing again? What are you writing? Can I write? Can I share a chair with you? Can I share your pen?" (Sharing is a very important concept to a three-year old when they are the beneficiary of the sharing.) The one-year olds now realize that I am perhaps going to leave them in there are long as they are not screaming. They remedy their situation by screaming. Out of bed they go. At this point, I figure they are hungry, especially O, who ate breakfast 2 hours earlier than normal. I should say, only O was hungry because C shoved most of his sandwich down his shirt (a day later and I think he still has jam in his hair). Lunch now over, play time commences...

Play time didnt happen (again). Screaming, wailing, not sharing, a certain someone insisting everyone share with him, a certain Momma walking around with three children hanging on her (again), a certain dog thinking it is time for a walk (again). I think, Christ intercedes for us when we make the same mistakes over and over again. Im going to choose the path of peace and show them how to play together. Psalm 120:7 basically sums up how that went: "I am for peace; but when I speak, they are for war."

O had a truck that he wanted to use to bang against my face. C wanted to eat my hair. D didnt want his brothers in my lap. Louis, the dog, of course, wanted us to go for a walk, until C found a dog toy--a squeaking hot dog-- to play with. Then Louis wanted the toy C was holding, which, of course, C did not want to share. When both C and Louis were interested in this squeaking hot dog, D wanted the toy. "I want the hot dog, please! Make him share with me!" "D, he was playing with the hot dog. Thank you for using please, but that does not mean you can have the hot dog." With now the dog and both his brothers vying for the same plastic, squeaking hot dog, O decided that he too wanted the hot dog. All of this took place in my lap.

Nap time (again). This time the babies babbled and played and squealed with absolute delight for 20 minutes before I knew one of them-- at least-- was asleep. Ten minutes later there was silence from their lair. This left me and D. I had every intention of writing a few more pages. D had every intention to annoy me within an inch of my sanity.

D: "What are you doing, Momma?"

Me: "Im writing, D man. Why dont you go play with your trains?"

D: "Well, I want to play with my trains, but I need your pen."

Me: "You cant have my pen, bud. You need to let Momma write. Can you please go find D man things to do?"

D" "Well, I want to find things to do, but I dont want to do anything."

Silence from me. That statement doesnt even make sense.

D: "I dont want to do anything. Hey, Momma, I dont want to do anything."

Me: "Thats fine, D. Why dont you go in the family room and do nothing while you lay on the couch?"

D: "Well, I dont want to lay on the couch, okay? I dont want to do anything in here."

Me: "D, you need to let Momma work. Im done talking."

D: "Okay, Momma. Im done talking too. Okay? Hey, Momma, Im done talking too. Momma?"

Me: "Yes, D. I hear you. Please let me work. Thank you."

D meanders to the family room where he peaks around the corner every couple minutes.

D: "Psst. Momma, I love you."

Me: "I love you too, D man. Please let me work."

D: "Okay, Momma. I will. I love you more."

Me: "Thank you, D man. Now, please let me work."

Silence.

D: "Psst. Momma, I love you."

Me: "D man. I love you too. You need to let me work."

And then guess what he finds? That hot dog. The plastic, squeaking hot dog. You know those dog toys that let out the really loud squeak as the air goes out of them, with the quiet, raspy squeak as the air goes back into them? Yes. The hot dog is one of those toys. At this point, I would rather have heard a pen click, click, click, click over and over again like that kid in high school who used to do that during essay exams.

SQUEAK....squeak.... SQUEAK...squeak.... SQUEAK....squeak.... SQUEAK...squeak....

Me: "D man. You have to stop that, please. I cant listen to that anymore."

D: "Okay, Momma. Im just playing with the hot dog."

SQUEAK....squeak.... SQUEAK...squeak....

Me: "D man. What did I just say?"

D: "You said not to play with the hot dog."

Me: "So what should you be doing?"

D: "Not playing with the hot dog."

Me: "Why dont you play the piano?"

D: "Okay, Momma."

Silence.

D: "Momma, I dont want to do anything. Momma? I dont want to do anything."

It would be an understatement to say that D is not a "self-starter." Unless you are playing the game with him, or talking to him, or in the same room as him, he is not very interested in playing the game. And so, I wrote with D man sitting quietly in the chair next to me, asking me something or rather every few minutes.

D, in a whisper, "Momma, how is your writing going?"

Me: "D, you are right here with me interrupting. How do you think it is going?"

D: "Pretty good. God loves you and sent his son."

Me: "Yes, he did, bud. God loves you too."

D: "Yeah, God is pretty cool."

Me: "Yes, bud, he is. Why dont you read your Bible?"

D: "Yeah, but I dont want to do anything."

Me: "Okay, then how about you let Momma work?"

D: "Okay."

And so, eventually, I couldnt focus and was just done writing. I close my notebook.

D: "Are you done working, Momma?"

Me: "Yes, I am."

D: "How was work, Momma? Did you get a lot done?"

This is the moment when that facial tick I joke about shows its twitchy head. You know what you want to say and you know what you should say.

Me: "Yes, D man, I did. Did you get any work done?"

D: "Well, not really. But, Im going to go play now."

There it is. That tick again. Oh, the irony. I am very blessed in the fact that I can find much amusement in irony. I had to laugh. And then he did-- he went and played. By himself. After all of that. I twiddled my thumbs for, say, four minutes before I heard the banshee shriek. And then silence. I crept down the hall. Are they awake? Is one of them awake? Silence. Still asleep. One probably woke up from a dream? I turn to creep back to the kitchen only to step on the foot of a preschooler.

D: "Ow, Momma! Why did you step on me?"

No reply. Finger over the lips in the universal sign for "Shhh!" and a stern point towards the kitchen. The rest of the afternoon was spent obsessively turning everything down when I thought I heard a baby cry and tip-toeing around the house. I banned D from flushing the toilet because his brothers finally were taking a good, long nap. We seriously walked on tip-toes if we had to go down the hallway. Eventually I told D I was going to go change my clothes, when I finally noticed the dried drool covering my black yoga pants (black is such a bad idea when you are staying home all day with young kids). D asked me why and I told him because Daddy was going to be home soon and I wanted to be in clean clothes. When I walked back into the family room, D says, "Oh, Momma! You got ready! Daddy will be so happy!" At that moment I didnt know if I should thank him or feel ashamed that even my three-year old has noticed my recent obsession with yoga pants. I did both.

Today was about the same, except we left the house. Yes, you read that correctly. We did leave the house. (And-- bonus-- I showered today too!) So I tried the morning nap approach while I got ready because they were, again, exceptionally fussy after breakfast. It didnt fly. They giggled and squealed until I was dressed and ready. I got everything else ready to go before going in to get them dressed. They flung themselves around their cribs, screaming with glee, happy to see me.

I stopped at Chic-Fil-A before going to Target. The line for the drive-thru was seriously around the building. I couldnt picture sitting in the line, so I decided to park and go in. Then I couldnt picture getting my stroller out just to go in to Chic-Fil-A for a to-go order, so I decided to go in sans stroller. Our first walking-in adventure. The babies did great. I held O in my arms, held Cs hand, and D held Cs other hand. We worked as a team to lift C down and up over the curb. Then we got inside. "Twins?!" "Are they twins?!" "God bless you!" "Look, honey, twins!" I ordered. A woman kept coming over and offering the babies straws. I politely took them from her. Finally she realized that I wasnt giving the straws to my toddlers and started handing them straws. Really, what it comes down to, is that getting out with babies is challenging, but the unforeseen challenges always prove to be the hardest. I told her that they cannot walk around with plastic straws in their mouths. She looked at me like I was crazy and both the boys started screaming because I took away a forbidden toy. And there I was. Without my stroller with two screaming toddlers, waiting for my order to come up. D ran to my rescue, "Momma! Do you need a hand?" He entertained one of the babies while I entertained the other. We grabbed our food and got out of there. (Why did she feel the need to give them straws? I will never understand that.) As we were leaving, a woman asked if they were twins. I said yes. She said to her husband, "See? I told you! They are twins." It was just a strange trip all around.

At Target, they ate their lunch in the stroller. D ate some of his lunch on the glider board, but was too excited to be at Target to focus on eating, "Momma! I love Target! Look at the Spiderman stuff!" The Target trip was exactly what you would expect with two one-year olds and a three-year old. Busy, but I managed. Dropped D off at his friends house. Went to the wholesale store. Dun. Dun. Dun.

C and O did not want to go to the wholesale store. They didnt want to sit in the cart. They didnt want up. They wanted to sleep. They wanted to throw things out of my cart. They wanted to pull on each others clothes. And, of course, this is the time that everyone noticed that I had twins with me. (Maybe because they could hear us coming from three aisles away?) The one line to be checked out by an employee was ridiculously long. I debated abandoning my cart and leaving, but felt too guilty to do that. So I jumped on a self-check out and made it work. They screamed, wailed, and flailed, then pathetically grabbed the cart handle and wept. I rushed. I did abandon as many non-perishables as I could. I used my card, even though I had cash (have you fed those self-check outs cash before?!). And we rushed home. Only for the babies to crumple into a weeping heap in my family room. Changed diapers. Laid them down for a late nap. And-- guess what-- I could hear the giggles and squealing as soon as I closed the door. I dont think they napped at all.

So, now Im going to go get them, give them dinner, and then play time... Hopefully play time happens.

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post pregnancy weight loss while breastfeeding

Ive never considered myself an insecure person. I would say that, in general, I feel confident in who I am and who God made me to be. I believe in the full body of Christ, how each of us have individual and unique gifts that we bring to the table. What I am good at may not be what you are good at and vice versa. I also believe that the root of finding your own confidence and inner strength is identifying what you are good at, what your passion is, what your skill set is. For myself, when I am practicing my skill, I get that sense of purpose. Sure, I occasionally see somebody doing something that I think, "Wow, I wish I could do that!" or something coming naturally to someone, where I have to work very hard at the same thing. Those times it is easy to doubt myself-- should I be doing that the same way? But having my inner compass-- my confidence in my own skills, my own sense of purpose-- I am quickly grounded again in who I am and being the best me.

Lately, Ive struggled a lot with that. Ive been pulling more things on to my calendar, some of them deliberately to challenge me and others to give back to my community. Ive been challenged. Ive been shown my limitations. Beyond that, Ive felt life is challenging me lately. Our 4-year old twins are at an age and stage that tests me on the regular. Different aspects of their personality challenge me in ways that I do not find enjoyable, but exhausting. My marriage is being challenged by the shipyard schedule and our return to life with my husband on a submarine. It is all life. It is all normal. It is all stretching me.

Because I like re-reading classics and because I have felt searching, I picked up On the Road by Jack Kerouac the other day. It felt like the book my soul needed at the moment.

They have worries, theyre counting the miles, theyre thinking about where to sleep tonight, how much money for gas, the weather, how theyll get there--and all the time theyll get there anyway, you see. But they need to worry and betray time with urgencies false and otherwise, purely anxious and whiny, their souls really wont be at peace unless they can latch on to an established and proven worry and having once found it they assume facial expressions to fit and go with it, which is, you see, unhappiness, and all the time it all flies by them and they know it and that too worries them to no end.

Unhappiness. Worrying over our worrying. And it is true-- in the end, we get there anyway. Why am I focusing so much on all these things that get me down?

It brought to mind these verses in Matthew. (Is it possible to jump from Kerouac to the Bible?) Matthew 6:31-34:

So do not worry, saying, What shall we eat? or What shall we drink? or What shall we wear? For the pagans run after these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Lately I feel like my days move from one trouble to the next. My face is pulled into a facial expression to go with it and I spend so much time worrying about my life. Ive been consumed. And it has made me insecure. I doubt my abilities. I doubt my decisions. I doubt what Im capable of.

While getting ready this morning, I was listening to the Rolling Stones, "You cant always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need."

Mulling this over in my head as I went about our morning, dropping our 1st grader off at school, I seized the moment once we got home and called my best friend back; she called me yesterday. She wants to visit. As if my spirit couldnt get any higher from those words, when I told her what Ive been dealing with, she gave me encouragement.

This morning what I needed was the encouraging words of my best friend. What I needed last night was the encouraging text messages from my mom and the understanding ear of my husband. When he got home from work yesterday, he fed the children dinner while I left to go find a quiet corner in a restaurant to write. These people in my life surround me and lift me up. When I feel like I "cant" they show me that I can. (And, as my mom always encourages me, I can and I will.)

Yesterday morning at school drop off, I went home in tears, exasperated by the shenanigans of our 4-year olds, overwhelmed and in my head. I canceled my plans and cleaned the house from top to bottom-- cabinets, baseboards, laundry, and dusting included. Ive felt lost staring at the screen to blog. What should I write about that isnt yet another complaint? Sitting down this morning to write, I briefly doubted if I should publish this post.

But here is what I think is important: admitting your shortcomings. If I dont have the strength to admit when Im struggling, how will my friends find the strength to admit they are struggling to me? Wouldnt I happily bake a meal, baby-sit, or lend an ear to any of my friends when they need to feel the love? Ive got that love for them; I know theyve got that love for me. It is hard when we feel insecure. It is hard when we feel like the things we are good at fail, when we feel like nothing is succeeding, when we feel it is all for naught and we are running in circles. It is hard when we get in our own heads and feel alone. Yesterday taught me that while a lot of the day to day activities fall on my shoulders, I am not alone. My mommy texted and called me all day. My best friend is going to fly across country just to see me. My husband supports me. When I walked in the door from my solitary dinner last night, the children bustled down the stairs, "Mommy! Mommy! Where did you go? I love you."

Because I checked off my to-do list in a tear soaked binge yesterday, I can focus today on building my inner strength. I carved out that time to pray and listen to God. I am publishing this blog post when internally I wonder if I have anything to say. I am going to do some preschool with our 4-year olds and let them dabble in their passions; I swear one of them is ready to start reading. (How can I decline a desire to read?) The baby has a cold and needs me-- my care, my love, my patience. Today I have a chance to get what I need: the support of those that love me, opportunities to love those around me, and time to practice my skills. Ive let myself fall down a rabbit hole of insecurities, second guessing my every move. While I find it scary right now, I know that the only way to get past this is to put one foot in front of the other, to get on the road and stop counting the miles.

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weight loss during pregnancy in first trimester

Today as I was scraping ANOTHER plate of food into the trash can, I thought, "Why do I even make the toddlers plates of food?" So here we go!

10 reasons why I make our toddlers plates of food:

1. I worry that they have run out of things to throw and like to supply them with materials.

2. We like to "pretend" lunch. Oh, look, here is a plate of food for you to pretend to eat! Wasnt that fun?

3. It is a habit and old habits die hard. For some reason, I just cant stop setting out a plate for each of them that I then put food on.

4. I enjoy doing dishes.

5. I enjoy scrubbing mashed sweet potatoes out of the cracks of the high chairs.

6. I enjoy the after breakfast bath to get syrup from the "pancake hats" out of their hair.

7. The dog is hungry and the only way for him to eat is bite by bite from our toddlers spoons.

8. Ive run out of things to argue with them over and I like hearing myself tell them to "just try a bite!" Try it, try it, Sam I Am...

9. You guessed it, I love doing laundry. I love pulling off smeared oatmeal shirts and getting smashed strawberry stains out of shirts.

10. We like throwing money in the trash can. Dont worry about it, kids; its just an organic cheese stick. We dont have a grocery budget or anything to worry about.

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pregnancy weight loss why

Bear with me...

I love Project Runway. I love watching people pursue their dreams and have an opportunity to let their creativity run wild, to focus solely on their passion. (When, as adults, do we have a chance to be thrown in neck deep to forget about the rest and just do what we love?) As I was watching Project Runway this season, I started thinking about a common theme through all the seasons of Project Runway, creating that moment. Runway fashion is about that moment when the model turns the corner on the runway and the audience gasps at the design and innovation of the created piece. It isnt about practicality or what went in to the outfit or the budget or any of that; it is that elusive moment of excitement and intrigue over what you are witnessing for that brief period of time. The model walks down the runway, pauses, lets you take it in, and then turns-- vanishes-- poof! She has gone back stage and the moment is gone. You are left thinking about what you saw. You only have your impression, what you remember, nothing in your hands, nothing tangible. How did you feel about it?

Recently Project Runway shows when the judges have the models come down to their judging area after the show, while the contestants wait to hear what was decided and who will go home. One by one the models come before the judges to have the pieces they are wearing inspected. Sometimes a piece that was mediocre on the runway suddenly blossoms in front of the judges eyes-- "Can you believe the amount of work and technique that went into this? It looks so simple and, yet, look! The fine detail..." Sometimes wow pieces are exposed for what they are-- prototypes. It walked down the runway amazing and was beautiful, but under their prying eyes they can see the stitches coming unraveled, seams that werent finished, details glued on haphazardly right before the show. It was never real-- never a finished piece, just an illusion.

I have been mulling this idea over in my mind. Parenting has been a challenge for me lately. I feel stretched and empty. I feel like I simplify and still I have twelve hundred things to do at one time. I try to go back to the basics, the things I must complete each day and allow the space and time to get those things done yet the children, through no fault of their own, keep finding ways to stretch me. And this is where I tie in Project Runway. I have times where I feel like those designers. They are working with this limited budget to create something in a short time, to get it done, to make it work, to put on a show. The workroom is a mess. Everyone is at their table doing the best that they can, cutting, sewing, dreaming, believing, doubting. "Is this good enough? Is this right? This is what Im trying to showcase." Last week a designer hovered over his material, doubting if he was ready to commit to the cuts he was about to make. Once he cut the fabric, there was no going back, no changing his mind for a different design; he would be committed to that path. Was he ready to make that choice? As a parent, I relate to those feelings of doubt. That desire to do the best that I can, to make it work. While I do not have a panel of judges watching my parenting and critiquing me, but I do have times where I feel judged, whether I actually am or whether I perceive to be. I relate to taking all of these busy aspects of life and tying them together to make a cohesive look, a finished product, a child that has all of these different elements of myself, my husband, and our life together working inside of him.

Parenting has those moments. The moments where you dont see whats going on backstage or the craziness in the audience-- the cameras, the crew, the people, the noise-- and all you see is the model coming down the runway. Yesterday my husband and I felt like having a movie night. We blew up the air mattress in the family room and snuggled on the couch all day watching Tim Burton movies with the children. We made "mummies" out of hot dogs and crescent rolls. We had popcorn and candy. It was great doing nothing. I wasnt thinking about the laundry that had to be finished before the week started or the sink full of dishes that would need to be done before breakfast the next day. I wasnt thinking about the sour sugar all over our floor or the ketchup stains the baby made on the blankets. We had our moment. It was sublime. Of course it didnt last. The baby got bored and dedicated his time to climbing on the table and knocking over our drinks and popcorn. The older boys started wrestling on the air mattress. My husband fell asleep. I was pinned in a corner of the couch with a baby hitting me with a remote control. We finally pried ourselves off the couch to put an end to the wrestling and finish the dishes, start the laundry, get the boys to clean their toys in the loft. We did pajamas, medicine, dinner, and got the house ready for school and work the next day. The boys ended up having an early bedtime due to meltdowns. Our oldest desperately finished up his Boy Scout project. It was chaos. But when we got in bed that night, my husband and I remembered that moment when we were all on the air mattress watching movies, when our four boys were snuggled up under one blanket, eyes glued to the silly songs, and we had this whole lazy afternoon stretched before us, nowhere to be but here, now.

Lately I feel like Ive been focusing on the chaos. Not the good chaos of parenting, but the bad chaos. The meltdowns, the repeated battles, the same old story day in and day out. I have been letting little things get to me in a big way and I have forgotten about the beauty and magic of parenting. How children can get so much joy from a rainy day (even if they throw a massive fit when it is time to go inside). How fun an air mattress is (even if it ends with a bloody lip and a crying baby). How long weekends are (even if it flies by in a whirlwind and you never make it to the trains, the pumpkin patch, the movies, wherever you wanted to take them that weekend). How sweet sick days can be (even if you still have three other children to take care of plus all the house responsibilities you always have to accomplish). Ive turned away from the moments and been caught up in whats going on backstage. I feel like that lately Ive been trying to make this wow piece-- getting our house on schedule, figuring out how to transition activities without meltdowns, organizing our spaces, working on manners-- but that it is all an illusion because upon closer inspection it is all falling apart. Im stressed doing it. Im not taking the time to enjoy the finished product. Im still thinking about what the garment should look like, what I didnt accomplish, what I intended to do. And parenting is much more about the simple look, the one that upon closer inspection you see those fine details. It may not be a wow piece to anyone else, but you see the effort and you know what went into that moment. When I dropped our 4-year olds off at daycare and they didnt throw a fit-- that was huge for them. When my husband went to work and they trusted that he was coming home that night instead of going underway-- they have been so worried about Daddy leaving again. When the children play quietly in their rooms in the morning instead of running wild-- I have been working so hard with them on that and they are finally getting it. When our oldest packs his lunch each morning for school all by himself, without my help. When one of our boys takes it upon himself to clean his space and tidy up their shared bathroom-- on his own-- because he wants to help. When our boys find a game that includes all of them, even the toddler, and play together upstairs. When our oldest picks a book at school specifically to read to his brothers when he gets home that afternoon, "I really thought they would love this one." These are small but beautiful things. These are the moments of parenting to look at and focus on. Not the times where I dragged them out for an entire day at the doctors office and ended with us all crying in the car on the way home because it was so exhausting. Or the times when strangers felt the need to tell me what a bad job Im doing. The moments I need to focus on are the ones where I see these small and beautiful blessings in our day to day life, when hard moments become slightly easier moments, or when new skills are developed and eventually perfected. When new interests take root and when family moments happen in the middle of normally busy times of day.

I need to focus on the moments of parenting where it all comes together harmoniously, to reflect on them and the feelings I had during them. I need to stop judging myself so harshly on what went into creating those moments and let them stand on their own, because when it all comes together, even briefly, it is beautiful.

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baby losing weight nursing

As you may or not know, Im currently in the last trimester of my second pregnancy. A few weeks ago, I was stood in the front of the mirror. Normally, I am relatively happy with my body shape and the curves that pregnancy brings. But on this particular day, all I could see were my imperfections, and lots of them.  None of my clothes looked right, I thought my bum and hips looked enormous, and at least 100 times bigger than the previous day. Quite frankly I didnt like what I saw.  And it was then I said it.  

I turned to my husband and said, Do you think I look really fat today?. My husband immediately shot a glance towards the corner of the room where our three year daughter was happily spinning around in her princess costume. I shut up straight away. I dont want my daughter hearing that word from me ever again. 

For me, saying that word in front of my daughter meant that I was introducing her to this inherent and dangerous concept in our society. Lets face it, there isnt a day that goes by without the fat/thin/weight debate rearing its head.  The words fat and thin are banded about like they are commonplace.  

I wonder how damaged the next generation will be.  Bombarded with cleverly airbrushed images, selfies galore and the impossible pressure to look like an image that is clearly unattainable. 

Where has normal gone in all of this? Our view of bodies is so skewed, that we look in disgust if we have cellulite, if our bums are a bit bigger or wobble, or at our changing and ageing body shapes.  Where is the wonder at how amazing our bodies are? That are legs walk us around every day? That we have a body that functions? That we are able to run after our children? 

To me, its not about size or shape. Its recognising what is normal and thats we have lost. And its up to me to teach my daughter about a normal, healthy body.  Of loving your body, accepting every part of it, being grateful for every part of it.  Before she sees the sadness in the world of how we really have lost the plot with body image.  

Thats why I will never stand in front of the mirror again and utter those stupid, stupid words.  By teaching my daughter, I guess I have to teach myself too. Life is too short and our bodies are way too precious.  

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weight loss during pregnancy plus size

As I write this, it doesnt feel like a new year. We drove home from my parents house today and it was a horrendous trip. I was in the mini van with the two toddlers and the dog. My husband drove the Jeep with our preschooler and our Christmas hoard (my parents spoiled us this year). Im not sure how things went in the Jeep; my husband said D asked him every five minutes "What time are we going to get home?" or "Has it stopped raining yet?" I can only imagine that that did get grating at some point. I listened to one or both toddlers cry for over three hours. To make it even worse, neither of them napped. I sang Paul McCartneys All the Best album at full volume for nearly an hour to keep the crying at Antsy Unhappiness instead of escalating to Angry Out of Controlness. Ten minutes away from home, the crying stopped-- no fussing or whining. I peered back to their Fisher Price mirrors to see both toddlers had fallen asleep at 1645, well past naptime. (Our original intention was to feed them and drive home during their naptime; their plan, apparently, was to let it be known the entire trip they do not like being strapped in.)

The first hour of the trip was almost peaceful. I thought a lot about this past year and the year to come. Much will change over the next year. We would love to have another baby, if all goes to plan. Hubby is going to graduate with a degree in mechanical engineering and has the wonderful opportunity to study abroad. We will most likely be moving at the end of this year to South Carolina. Our toddlers will turn two in the spring. Our oldest will turn five in the summer. He could start kindergarten in the fall, but we are probably going to do kindergarten prep and get our feet wet homeschooling; we think another year will be a good move socially for D. So many decisions. So many things to think about, prepare for. So many things to pray about.

This past year feels like a blur. I was looking at my old  blog posts and I remember those times... I just needed to be reminded. It was a huge adjustment dealing with twin toddlers. Sometimes it is outright silly the things we deal with. Sometimes I feel like I am not listened to at all. For instance, one of the toddlers climbed on the couch. I told him to sit. He stood and ran down the couch, laughing. I counted, "1, 2.... 3." I walked over and sat him down. He stood right back up. I said, "Okay, time out." While I walked him to time out, the other toddler picked up a truck and threw it in Ds face as he watched Super Hero Squad. Now what? Do you cut short the first toddlers time out process (I had just set him down and he was screaming) or do you let the second toddler get away with throwing something in his older brothers face? I did a combination of the two. I picked up the first toddler, carried him over as I told the second toddler "we dont throw" and put him in time out. When I compare the discipline process between the two toddlers and my oldest as a toddler, I feel like I am letting so many things slide that are going to be problems to deal with later. Ugh. I dont want to deal with it all later. I would really like to deal with it now (do I really?).

Obviously Mommy Guilt has been a big thing with me this year ("Mommy Guilt" and "Mommy Guilt Part II"). Every once in awhile I find myself looking around thinking, "Am I just doing something wrong? Why arent they listening? Why is he crying? Why do I wish I was at Starbucks with a book instead of struggling to cook dinner with a child screaming on my leg? Do we really want another baby?" But then one of the boys runs up to me with his arms spread wide, huge smile across his face, and I bend in for a wet kiss. I love my boys. I love seeing their faces light up when I walk in the room. I love comforting them by holding their hands. I love blogging about them after a fitful bedtime and an exhausting evening. I could talk about my children all day and I wouldnt have said everything I wanted to. Their personalities delight me. Their expressions crack me up. I look forward to Fridays when my preschooler brings home all his penmanship; I am so proud of him.

Finally, my husband. Weve had good times and rough times. Finances, toddlers, senior year of mechanical engineering, baby planning, travelling, moving... The thing I love most about my husband is that he never gives up. When we go through these rough patches, we always come out on the other side closer and better than before. Im blessed to have such a wonderful husband and best friend.

And so we face another year together. Where will be this time next year? We could be living in South Carolina with Baby #4, homeschooling. We could be getting ready for our pack out. The schools could still be backed up and we are waiting here in North Carolina for orders. Ah, the Navy. We dont know. But Im glad Im travelling this road with my favorite people.

Happy New Year!

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baby losing weight while breastfeeding

Im super tired and working on my second latte of the day. Fairly certain the plans I had today (i.e. get dressed) are going to go out the window, so why not just throw in the towel now, curl up on the couch, and write a blog post?

I wrote a post awhile ago called, "Why do I feed our toddlers?" Since we recently moved and Im introducing myself to new people in a desperate attempt to make friends, I have been hearing a lot of comments like, "4 boys! Wow!" and "I dont know how you do it with 4." If you read my last blog post, I dont know how we are doing life right now either, so heres my response:

Why I have 4 children

10. I enjoy mess.

Unless Im picking Play-Doh, Legos, sand, or small rocks off my feet when I walk on our hard floors, Im not happy. Thankfully our children provide me with that lovely experience daily.

9. I enjoy mess.

Lets not leave off the carpeted upstairs. Who likes walking in the dark unless it is a challenge? When I head to bed at night I prefer to trip over action figures, toy bins, and unexpected booby traps.

8. I enjoy mess.

Guests coming over? I only enjoy company when I have that sinking embarrassed feeling when they sheepishly come back out of our hall bathroom moments after entering to tell me, "Um, I think someone may have had an accident on the floor...?"

7. I enjoy mess.

And lets not forget the diaper blow outs. If our potty training preschoolers arent having accidents, I can always count on the baby to blow out his diaper during a dinner party with my spouses co-workers.

6. I enjoy mess.

Detailed vehicles are boring. Who wants to look at beige car carpet? No, life is more adventurous if you are curious if that is barbecue sauce or diaper blow out on the WeatherTech floor mats. When your girlfriend casually says, "How about I ride with you?" I love muttering, "Derp, I promise my Honda Odyssey is usually cleaner than this..." because you know she believes me...

5. I enjoy mess.

Anyone can put an outfit together, but it takes a certain finesse to head out the house wearing a shirt that has a diaper blow out imprint on the hip, oatmeal caked on the front, and someone elses snot dried around the neck.

4. I enjoy mess.

Speaking of heading out of the house, dining out is a much more enjoyable and relaxing experience when at the end of the meal I get to scoop up infinite amounts of mushy food with tiny, thin napkins, flung by children who spent the meal pelting me with silverware while whining that they werent hungry.

(I also like herding said children out of the restaurant as I apologize to fellow patrons to load them up in the mini van as they whine they are now hungry...)

3. I enjoy mess.

But lets not forget the joys of eating in. Who doesnt like cooking a meal with 4 children underfoot, whining they are hungry, hitting each other over whos turn it is to help, and struggling through putting a meal on the table as you finish cooking with one hand/a baby in the carrier on your back? And then no one eats because they dont like whatever it is you cooked... despite the fact that they devoured that exact meal at your friends house the other day.

2. I enjoy mess.

Which brings me to friends... those people that you try to have conversations with as your children pull out every toy bin in their playroom, hit each other on their couch, or divulge how you inadvertently ate baby vomit the other day while you were only wearing underwear. Yes, we would love to do this again sometime.

(Please invite us back, please invite us back, please invite us back...)

1. I enjoy mess.

Nothing says joy of parenthood quite like naked children 10 minutes past when you were supposed to leave the house ("But you were all dressed 2 minutes ago!") or a complete lack of privacy ("Im showering!") or crawling in bed only to find Matchbox cars and plastic spiders (and those same things in your washer and dryer). And the pleasure of these encounters is only multiplied by the uplifting comments you receive when you finally do leave the house for caffeine/adult company ("Back in my day, we disciplined our children/didnt have electronics/respected our elders").

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overnight weight loss during pregnancy

Picture taken by TwinBug Photography
twinbugphotography@yahoo.com

The other night I made cookies with the boys. While the toddlers sat in their high chairs yelling, "Mooow! Moooow!" (their attempt at "more," their universal word for want/please/give me) and pointing at the oven as the cookies baked, our preschooler worked on some math. I drew 5 circles on a piece of paper, representing each family member. (He quickly drew chocolate chips, so instead of circles, there were 5 cookies.) We then counted out how many cookie dough balls we had and represented each cookie with a counting bear. His goal was to as evenly as possible spread out the counting bears over each circle to see how many cookies each family member would get. We were working on his math and trying to teach fairness. We had 11 bears and 5 circles.

1st Attempt
I explained to our four-year old that each bear was a cookie. However many bears were on your circle were how many cookies you would get once they baked. Probably not the best way to explain this to a four-year old, in hindsight. He quickly plunked 1 bear on Momma, 1 bear on Dadda, and 1 bear each on his brothers, then piled the rest of the bears on his circle. "Momma! You all get one and I get 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7! Woo hoo!"

2nd Attempt
Realizing my error, I attempted to explain fairness. "D, we want everyone to have an even amount of cookies. How would you feel if C got 7 cookies and you only 1?" I pointed to his circle as I said this. He nodded indulgently, "Well, that is not Cs circle. That is my circle. So I have 7 cookies and C only has 1. See?" I pushed 6 bears over to Cs circle, leaving 1 bear on his, and asked the question again. He contemplates this for a second and replies, "Well, now thats my circle [pointing at Cs circle with 7 bears] and that is Cs circle [pointing at his]."

3rd Attempt
At this point, the toddlers are tired of yelling "more" at the oven and have started to impatiently wonder where the cookies are. I tried to distract them with crayons and paper. O thought this was a fun new game; C would not be distracted. He wanted cookies and he wanted them now. He picked up his little cup of crayons and threw them on the floor. His piece of paper quickly followed. I shook my head and said, "No, sir, we do not behave that way!" I struggled with him for a minute, trying to teach him the appropriate behavior. He refused to listen and D interjected, "Dont worry, Momma. I took away his bear. And put it on mine."

4th Attempt
This is when I wondered if I was teaching anything at all to anyone. I sat back down with D and gave a brief lesson on fairness and kindness. His eyes glazed over and I stood up to check on the cookies. When I turned around, there were 2 bears on each of the 5 circles. D proudly announced, "Well, looks like there is 1 leftover for me! You guys get 2 and I get 3!" D, D, D... So close. I congratulated him on his math, spreading out the bears fairly, then pushed the leftover bear to Daddys circle. "We always give Daddy the extra cookie, bud." D furrowed his brow, "One day I will be the daddy and get the extra cookie."

Thankfully the timer went off right then-- saved by the bell.

Obviously we have a few things to work on.

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