intentional weight loss during pregnancy

Here is my follow-up post on my partial molar pregnancy. All in all, I had the best possible outcome with a molar pregnancy: no complications and my numbers went down quickly.

Things Ive heard a lot of throughout this whole process:

• "At least it happened early in the pregnancy."
• "At least you have 3 healthy boys to focus on."
• "You can try again soon."
• "Im sure those complications wont happen to you; dont worry about it."
• "My friend who miscarried just gave birth to a beautiful baby."

Sometimes it felt like as soon as I talked about the molar pregnancy or answered questions about what a molar pregnancy is, people would rush to assure me that it was all going to be fine or not to worry about it or that we will get pregnant soon. While talking with my doctor, he told me that the chances of me having the more serious complications of a partial molar pregnancy (read "Molar pregnancy") were very low because of how quickly my numbers went to negative, so I also felt that my chances of relapsing were slim to none. Honestly, I dont know what I wanted people to say. And I know that people were just trying to let me know that they love me and want the best for me, that they worry about me and didnt want me to have to go through anything more. I knew that they were trying to give me hope. I guess I liked it best when someone would just say, "Oh, man, Im sorry you are going through this. Ill be praying things keep getting better for you." The comments of "youll get pregnant again soon" felt like people wanted me to stop grieving over the loss of this pregnancy, this baby, and to move on. Sometimes I just felt down about the whole situation and didnt know what I wanted to hear. Whatever people say though, Im still always happier when someone says something to me about it instead of ignoring it. Grief is hard to manage and often made me feel like I was pushing people away.

I had a hard time moving on from this pregnancy loss. We had gone through an unexpected pregnancy loss before (this partial molar pregnancy was my 4th pregnancy; I miscarried our 1st pregnancy as well) and it was hard then. On one hand, having my 3 beautiful boys was an absolute blessing. They did keep me busy and they did remind me of the beauty in life, the fun in the everyday. They relaxed me and kept my hands busy. On the other hand, it was hard to find time to grieve. I didnt feel that I had time to throw myself into the emotions I was feeling and that sometimes I had to push them to the side. Maybe that is why the grieving process took longer. I do also think that the uncertainty of the next couple years played a big role as well (my husband is in the Navy, read "Asthma, STA-21, commissioning, and PCSing-- yikes!"). I kept thinking, "Oh, this was perfect timing to have a baby. What if I get pregnant before he has to leave? What if I get pregnant and we are moving during my due date? What if I dont like my next OBGyn?"

It took me awhile to realize all the pressure I was putting on myself over something that I couldnt change. It was ridiculous. I didnt like hearing from people, "You need to give yourself time to heal," when I told them about this wait period with the blood draws, but I realized I do. I wouldnt be happy if we rushed into the next pregnancy and miscarried. During my mono/di twin pregnancy (read "Identical or fraternal [revised]"), one of my big rules, because it was high risk, was, if I went into premature labor, would I regret an activity/food/drink/etc? If the answer was yes, I didnt do the activity, like take the walk or finish the chore list or eat the cold cuts for lunch. (I hate the no cold cuts during pregnancy rule. Since when is that a thing??) The risk had to outweigh the benefit. For this partial molar pregnancy, the risk of rushing things did not outweigh the benefit. Our timeline of moving and my husbands Navy schedule will sort itself out. And, in all honesty, this timing of our partial molar pregnancy wasnt exactly perfect either. We are moving across state lines in less than a week and my due date for the partial molar pregnancy was September 9th. I would either be super pregnant right now, stressing about all the things that needed to get done for our move, or nursing a newborn, since Ive never made it to my due date, even with our singleton.

The thing that has been getting me down as we get ready to move is never going to my OBGyn again. When we got pregnant this last time, I was very excited that when all was said and done, I would have given birth to 3 kids in the same state, a big feat for a Navy family. I would have also used the same OBGyn for 2 pregnancies. I liked the idea of having the same doctors and saying, "Oh, last time Doctor P was just wonderful; Im so glad he could deliver us this time as well." The only consistency in my history with OBGyns I have is having a pregnancy and a miscarriage at the same practice. My first pregnancy (miscarriage) and my second pregnancy (singleton) was at the same OBGyn practice; my third pregnancy (mono/di twins) and my fourth pregnancy (miscarriage/partial molar) was at the same OBGyn.

Im also dreading passing the due date. My husband says to not worry about it and let it go. I know he means well and I know this whole thing has been hard on him as well (he was sooo worried about me when we got the diagnosis). I just dont seem to be able to. I cant believe how much time has passed. From our first questionable ultrasound at the end of January to now, August. My positive pregnancy test was at the end of 2012-- time is marching forward. It is much easier said than done to not focus on the passage of time. My friends who were pregnant at the same time as me are all giving birth to their babies. Other friends have announced their pregnancies. My heart fills with joy for them; I know many of them have also struggled with infertility, pregnancy loss, and complicated or high risk pregnancies. Im not begrudging any of them. Just seeing their pregnancies come to fruition reminds me of where I "should be" in my pregnancy-- definitely something I have struggled to let go of. There are also smaller things, like commercials on TV that made us laugh when I was pregnant, "Oh, thats going to be us," or whatever we said. Now I see them and am reminded of how excited I was about the pregnancy and how excited our oldest was to be a big brother again.

This update has taken me awhile to write because the feelings were so raw for so long. Now Im honestly at a much better spot. Occasionally my heartstrings are pulled, like with the approaching due date, but the constant longing when I see a pregnant belly has died down. I remember the first couple blood draw appointments, taken at my OBGyn office, were really hard. I would sit in the waiting room and try not to look at the pregnant women checking in or struggling to lower themselves in those waiting room chairs (pregnant bellies are so cumbersome). I remember this one gal who was standing in line with her hand resting on her tummy; I thought the baby was kicking and she was feeling the little movements. I miss feeling that, in spite of how miserable carrying a pregnancy actually was for me. Now I dont feel my cheeks flush when confronted with a pregnant belly and I dont automatically calculate the weeks I "should be" when I look at my calendar. I dont feel on the verge of tears when our oldest asks when we are going to have another baby or tells me how much he wants a little sister; I can easily talk to him and answer his questions.

So now Im cleared to TTC, as many online forums call it (Try To Conceive). Whenever we get pregnant again, I will have close monitoring during the first trimester to make sure that Im not carrying another molar pregnancy. The molar pregnancy is behind us, but, as every woman who has experienced pregnancy loss in one form or another, it will never be forgotten. Two miscarriages, one of them being a molar pregnancy, has definitely made my husband and I nervous when it comes to certainty in our positive pregnancy tests. No, we are not pregnant now, but we recently discussed our feelings going forward. I was surprised to find that both he and I had the same feelings toward our next pregnancy. We are excited to be able to try again, though nervous. Nervous to experience all of this again, nervous at the possibility of miscarrying, nervous at the uncertainty of pregnancy and the heartbreak of loss. I think he feels much more like he doesnt want to get his hopes up whenever we find out we are pregnant again. I feel much more like I dont want to lose another baby. Its funny how men and women view things so differently. Ive learned through this whole thing that sometimes he words things differently than I would and that he views things differently than I do; however, his love is deep and strong and he felt the loss as well. He is my best friend and Im thankful for him everyday.

Heres to hoping!

My other blog posts on my molar pregnancy:

"Miscarriage"

"Molar pregnancy"

"The bake queen"

"3 weeks, 3 months"

"Time wont let me go"

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As I write this, it doesnt feel like a new year. We drove home from my parents house today and it was a horrendous trip. I was in the mini van with the two toddlers and the dog. My husband drove the Jeep with our preschooler and our Christmas hoard (my parents spoiled us this year). Im not sure how things went in the Jeep; my husband said D asked him every five minutes "What time are we going to get home?" or "Has it stopped raining yet?" I can only imagine that that did get grating at some point. I listened to one or both toddlers cry for over three hours. To make it even worse, neither of them napped. I sang Paul McCartneys All the Best album at full volume for nearly an hour to keep the crying at Antsy Unhappiness instead of escalating to Angry Out of Controlness. Ten minutes away from home, the crying stopped-- no fussing or whining. I peered back to their Fisher Price mirrors to see both toddlers had fallen asleep at 1645, well past naptime. (Our original intention was to feed them and drive home during their naptime; their plan, apparently, was to let it be known the entire trip they do not like being strapped in.)

The first hour of the trip was almost peaceful. I thought a lot about this past year and the year to come. Much will change over the next year. We would love to have another baby, if all goes to plan. Hubby is going to graduate with a degree in mechanical engineering and has the wonderful opportunity to study abroad. We will most likely be moving at the end of this year to South Carolina. Our toddlers will turn two in the spring. Our oldest will turn five in the summer. He could start kindergarten in the fall, but we are probably going to do kindergarten prep and get our feet wet homeschooling; we think another year will be a good move socially for D. So many decisions. So many things to think about, prepare for. So many things to pray about.

This past year feels like a blur. I was looking at my old  blog posts and I remember those times... I just needed to be reminded. It was a huge adjustment dealing with twin toddlers. Sometimes it is outright silly the things we deal with. Sometimes I feel like I am not listened to at all. For instance, one of the toddlers climbed on the couch. I told him to sit. He stood and ran down the couch, laughing. I counted, "1, 2.... 3." I walked over and sat him down. He stood right back up. I said, "Okay, time out." While I walked him to time out, the other toddler picked up a truck and threw it in Ds face as he watched Super Hero Squad. Now what? Do you cut short the first toddlers time out process (I had just set him down and he was screaming) or do you let the second toddler get away with throwing something in his older brothers face? I did a combination of the two. I picked up the first toddler, carried him over as I told the second toddler "we dont throw" and put him in time out. When I compare the discipline process between the two toddlers and my oldest as a toddler, I feel like I am letting so many things slide that are going to be problems to deal with later. Ugh. I dont want to deal with it all later. I would really like to deal with it now (do I really?).

Obviously Mommy Guilt has been a big thing with me this year ("Mommy Guilt" and "Mommy Guilt Part II"). Every once in awhile I find myself looking around thinking, "Am I just doing something wrong? Why arent they listening? Why is he crying? Why do I wish I was at Starbucks with a book instead of struggling to cook dinner with a child screaming on my leg? Do we really want another baby?" But then one of the boys runs up to me with his arms spread wide, huge smile across his face, and I bend in for a wet kiss. I love my boys. I love seeing their faces light up when I walk in the room. I love comforting them by holding their hands. I love blogging about them after a fitful bedtime and an exhausting evening. I could talk about my children all day and I wouldnt have said everything I wanted to. Their personalities delight me. Their expressions crack me up. I look forward to Fridays when my preschooler brings home all his penmanship; I am so proud of him.

Finally, my husband. Weve had good times and rough times. Finances, toddlers, senior year of mechanical engineering, baby planning, travelling, moving... The thing I love most about my husband is that he never gives up. When we go through these rough patches, we always come out on the other side closer and better than before. Im blessed to have such a wonderful husband and best friend.

And so we face another year together. Where will be this time next year? We could be living in South Carolina with Baby #4, homeschooling. We could be getting ready for our pack out. The schools could still be backed up and we are waiting here in North Carolina for orders. Ah, the Navy. We dont know. But Im glad Im travelling this road with my favorite people.

Happy New Year!

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Navy/Marine Corps Birthday Ball 2012

Whew! My husband just finished the fall semester of his senior year. I cant believe that we are wrapping up semesters of college-- only two more left. It was around this time in 2009 when we found out that he was picked up for the STA-21 program. It was such a stressful whirlwind getting the last minute paperwork together (acceptance letters, etc) for college and preparing ourselves to move again.

I cant help but feel anxious thinking about the uncertainty of the coming year. We need to set a date for his commissioning over the summer, which will mean invitations and hotels for out of town guests. I also need to figure out what I need to plan for this commissioning-- reception? Next year our oldest starts kindergarten. This will be our first school-age move. This will also be our first PCS with more than one child (our oldest has PCSd twice). The bigger question will be when this move actually happens. Weve been hearing that power school and prototype are really backed up. Our first choice class-up date is October 2013, second December 2013, and third February 2014. If the schools are really backed up, we could be moving even later than those dates. Since I met my husband after he had been in the Navy for two years, this is my first go around with power school and prototype. I had assumed that we would be living in South Carolina for about a year while he completed the two schools. I am anxious now thinking that there is a chance that we could do power school in South Carolina (6 months) and prototype in New York (6 months), and SOBC in Connecticut thrown in there somewhere (12 weeks). As a wife who fully unpacks at every move (okay, save for the back-of-the-closet boxes), knowingly moving to a home for 6 months only to be preparing for another 6 month home is even pushing my limits of hanging pictures on the wall. Im dreading the idea of that... but I know my OCD will kick in and all our HHGs will most likely end up unpacked.

All my hubby has left of school is spring semester 2013 and summer 1 of 2013-- two semesters left. STA-21 has been much more challenging than I anticipated. This semester was exceptionally busy, the hardest so far. It was very stressful for all of us and made me question our chosen path. Now there is an end in sight and we feel like we are almost there. We grew together so much these past three years. We had to discuss money way more times than we wanted to; it has been tight being in this program with three young children. But there have been wonderful things. First and foremost, he is getting a college degree. We also recognize this opportunity in his career. On a smaller scale, I love we can text and call each other. During dead week, I called him and we met for lunch. I know it sounds like such a small thing; maybe you have to be married to a submariner to know how big of a deal being able to text each other in real time is. Home every night... absolutely huge. Even on the weeks where he was slammed with group projects and getting home after the kids were in bed, I knew that he would be home that night. It feels like we make our own schedule. While his schedule is full, he isnt mustering on a boat.

I am so extremely proud of him. He has maintained an excellent GPA, even more impressive knowing we had our twins during finals week of 2011. A mechanical engineering degree in under 3 years is no small feat. As our oldest told me this morning, "Momma, did you know Daddy works very hard? He has a big job. He protects America." I dont know how crazy his schedule will be going through power school, prototype, or SOBC. I dont know if Im ready to move again in a year; I really like it in North Carolina and love the friends Ive made here. I dont know if Im ready to go back to boat life, especially now that we have three kids (it was hard with one!). But I love the journey. I love supporting my man. At the end of the day, it is worth it.

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We are reaching the end of our time here in North Carolina. My husband has been working on his mechanical engineering degree as part of the STA-21 "Officers" program. Ive made many civilian friends here. During this time, most of them have been uncertain about what his active duty status has meant ("Will he be deploying soon?") or what happens once we move ("So hell deploy when you get to South Carolina?"). I thought I would do a recap of his schedule the past three years for fellow STA-21 wives and a summary for all the civilian friends we have made, help spread some awareness of what it means to be a military family.

My husband has been enlisted in the Navy for 9 years this summer. We have been married for the last 6 and a half years. During that time we have not done a deployment. We have done two Change of Homeports, one tour in shipyard where his submarine had a complete overhaul, and countless underways and fast cruises. I even stayed with my parents for a little over 6 months shortly after our oldest was born because his schedule was so intense. When we lived in Hawaii, he was gone nearly 75% of the time we were there between underways, fast cruises, and just general boat life. A fast cruise is when the boat "pretends" to be underway, in laymans terms. They run and test certain systems in preparation for real underways. (Note: A submarine is called a "boat." A surface ship-- air craft carriers, destroyers, etc-- is called a "ship.") If he had not been picked up for the STA-21 program, he would have gone on deployment, which, for his boat, would range from 5-6 months. Needless to say, I was ecstatic when he got picked up and "got out of" deployment. He was less than thrilled having spent the past couple months doing all the work for deployment without getting the chance to go on it. Not only do deployments offer "exotic" port calls, but they are great chances to get qualifications completed. The other big difference between our college life here and real Navy life is duty days. On a boat, duty days mean spending the night on the boat, the frequency depending on what duty rotation they are on. If he is on 2-section, every other night he stays on the boat, complete with work days before and after. If he is on 3-section, every three nights. 4-section is every four nights. While on a boat, they do not work 9-5 jobs, especially since he was a nuclear mechanic in the engine room (where everything goes wrong-- at least, thats how it felt to me! lol!). He has musters, sometimes shift work, sometimes just long, long, long hours-- and duty days. We have not done a proper shore tour yet, so Im not sure of the differences between the hours and duty days. From talking with my girlfriends, it really depends on the shore tour. (Note: Sea tour is when you are attached to a boat. Shore tour is the "break" between sea tours. These shore tours vary by duty assignment-- and they can really vary.)

All in all, we were on his first boat for 3 years before coming to North Carolina, where weve been for 3 years. Our next move this August will be our 3rd PCS (Permanent Change of Station, which means you are moving on orders). Altogether, this will make 7 moves since marrying my sailor:

1. To New Hampshire when we first got married
2. To my parents house after having our first born
3. To Hawaii-- PCS #1
4. To North Carolina (our 2-bedroom apartment)-- PCS #2
5. To a 3-bedroom apartment in North Carolina
6. To our house with a fenced in backyard in North Carolina
7. To South Carolina-- PCS #3

This will be our first PCS where he is moving with us. All the other times he was underway. I am so glad he is moving with us because this is our first move across state lines with three children. Our oldest was the same age our twins are now that we are moving away-- a lot has changed these past three years!

After graduating in August with his mechanical engineering degree (which he got in three years, a stipulation of the STA-21 program), my hubby will be commissioned as an officer in the Navy. He will then have to complete three Navy schools: nuclear power school, prototype, and SOBC (Submarine Officer Basic Course). I have really enjoyed reading this blog about what it is like to go through these schools: "(Very) Unofficial Submarine Officer Pipeline Rundown." Prototype sounds like it will be much more time consuming than power school, from this guys blog posts; he also includes a post on SOBC. Power school is roughly 6 months long, as is prototype. SOBC is 10 or 12 weeks long and in Connecticut. We are moving to South Carolina for him to go to power school and there is a chance he can complete prototype there as well. However, they may send him to upstate New York for prototype. We would move with him if that happens and it may be good thing because we would be closer to him while he went to SOBC. I think SOBC is an unaccompanied move for him (meaning the Navy will not move his family there). Even if they do, I hear they will only put the family up at the "chalet," which is a hotel room. We will find out more details about where he is going to prototype as he gets closer to completing power school. The next year or so for us will be very "wait and see."

Once he completes power school, prototype, and SOBC, he will get orders for his first sea tour as an officer. At some point we will put in a request for our top 3 choices. Weve done some chatting about where we would want to be stationed. Our list waffles between wanting to be within driving distance of family, traveling abroad while our kids our so young and flexible, and his dream boat assignments. I dont know what we will finally put down when we do put in our request or the types of assignments available when the time comes; I also dont know how loyal the Navy will be to honoring those requests. From chatting with my friends and reading Navy wife forums, it sounds like they do their best to honor those lists, but every once in awhile pull the "for the needs of the Navy" card and send you where they want. :)

My local civilian friends have asked me how I feel about moving, if I have any trepidation about starting over in a new place or if Im used to it. I felt very nervous moving here, away from the support of the military community. I wrote a blog post called "Making friends" about the subject. Now that weve been living psuedo-civilian lives for the past three years, it makes me sad to think about what we are "missing." Our friends here are settled. They have houses they own and school districts picked out. They have neighbors they plan on living next to for years and years. It makes me think of my childhood and how our childrens childhood will be very different. D had lived in three different states by the time he was two. On one hand, I am very excited to get back to that sense of community offered by fellow military families and, on another, I am sad to close this chapter of our lives. We have enjoyed our family time here and the friendships we have made.

Both my husband and I will be very glad to have his bachelors degree behind us. Dont get me wrong-- we have absolutely, 100% loved having family time (and getting a break from boat life). I have loved-- loved, loved, loved-- a reprieve from duty days. But we had a huge pay cut coming here with the STA-21 program. It was also exceedingly stressful for him balancing family life and his college career. We had to extend his contract to come here, committing ourselves to the Navy until 2018. If he couldnt get his degree in three years, if his grades slipped, if whatever worst case scenario happened, he would get sent back to the fleet at his old rate and fulfill his contract. I cant imagine putting myself under that level of stress-- a mechanical engineering degree in three years with a family of five (a wife and three kids) plus the threat of being sent back to the fleet if you failed. 

While his Navy schedule has not been demanding here (he PTs twice a week and has a once a week Navy lab in the evening), Ive found myself sometimes struggling with his school schedule. It was much easier being understanding of a schedule imposed on him-- 20 hour work days on the boat followed by a duty day versus 2 classes in the morning, studying all afternoon, and meeting up with a group to complete a project in the evening. There were many days we argued because I wanted help with sick kids and he needed to get some reading done. There were many times we argued over finances. There were many times I felt like, "If I cant deal with this schedule, what am I going to do when we get back on a boat? What are we doing this for?" His senior year was really, really difficult. He had group projects in almost every class during the fall semester and his senior design project due in the spring semester. Our twins first year was busy, but senior year was the hardest to get through for us. Thankfully we were both willing to roll up our sleeves and work on our marriage. Weve communicated our thoughts and feelings and have come out on the other side of this as an even better team.

All in all, the time here flew by. For us, the first year was a huge adjustment. We were getting used to living under one roof without duty days and underways interrupting our time. The second year we had twins and that was a big adjustment, going from one child to three children plus hubbys school schedule. The third year was his senior year and was an absolute whirlwind. We have no regrets how we spent our family time, but still feel like we should have explored our local area more. Weve lived in North Carolina for three years and have made it to their beautiful beaches once. We live in prime BBQ land, but stick to one restaurant (a very, very good restaurant at that). I suppose there are always those "I wish we had..." when you are a military family and preparing to PCS.

Ive written a few blog posts about our time here in North Carolina--including why we moved so much locally-- and the STA-21 program. If you would like to read them, here are the links:

"Making friends"

"No longer the new girl"

"Across town move"

"Two years of STA-21"

"In my life"

"With a little help from my friends"

"Three years of STA-21"

"I hope youre having fun"

"Murphys Law"

"Living on borrowed time"

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The boys and I just went out of town for a week with my family. My hubby came for the weekend, but he had to head back for summer school (he is in the STA-21 program). Our living situation was great in that we were in a three-bedroom timeshare with lots of living space. We did have a few issues stemming from our twin two-year olds.

The toddlers would not stay in their PackNPlays. Every time I put them in they would climb right out. I ended up putting them down to sleep in the king bed in their room. It was the first time they ever slept in a real bed, not a crib or PackNPlay. The first night took a little over an hour to get them to sleep. I tucked them in the bed, a wall of pillows on the side of the bed and piled on the floor around the bed. They climbed right out-- screaming. I went back in, tucked them back in, closed the door. They climbed out-- screaming. Over and over and over again until they finally stayed in bed. They woke up at 6 am the first night they slept in the king bed. They went right to sleep the second night in the king bed, perhaps because they refused to nap. They also slept in an hour later to 7 am. They did nap the third day in a pile right inside the door. The last day we had them in the king bed they did nap. I was so proud of them for napping in the king bed. It was really hard having them not nap while we were there. At home C naps for 4.5 hours every day. O naps for 45 minutes to 3 hours. It was a big change for them to not nap at all that caused them to be very grouchy.

And then their age. I was talking to a gentleman the other day who told me, "Trying twos, terrible threes, and fantastic fours." With my oldest, D, two was rough. There were a lot of tantrums (a lot). I mentioned in my blog post "Comments" that he was a breath holder. I liked what this gentleman said because two really was nothing compared to three with him. Three was flat out, hands down rough. I felt like it was the same tantrums as two except he had more words and more thoughts to throw tantrums about. Four was hard because he wasnt much of a self-entertainer and so he would want to play Legos or Playmobile pirates, but he wanted me to play with him-- nearly impossible to do every single time when you have twin toddlers. (Plus, self-entertaining is a skill he needed to learn!) Fours all in all have been fantastic because of how much his mind has developed. I love listening to him so much now at four that it makes me excited to watch him grow.

Presently I have two two-year olds. [Note: Im really praying that they will entertain each other at three and maybe threes wont be so rough with twins? Fingers crossed?] Things that worked with my first dont work the same with twins. For instance, on the trip we were walking through an outside shopping area. D wanted to go in the toy store and the toddlers were running in an open square. I went to put the toddlers in the stroller and they evaded me. I tried to put C in and he was pointing at something in a store window. As I strapped him in, he was getting more and more upset that we arent looking at what is in the store window. I tried to comment on it, but he didnt want to talk about it, he wanted to go look at it. Except O was running around like a wild man and D was getting impatient to go to the toy store. I told C that what he found was very neat and then tried to get O in the stroller. O wanted me to see the bug he had found on the ground and follow where it is going. Well, I didnt have the time to watch where the beetle was going as C was getting more and more upset in the stroller. I strapped O in and he was then angry that I put him in. I offered a bribe, "Hey, you guys are sitting in the stroller, want a piece of candy from Mommas purse?" They both threw the candy. They didnt want the candy. C wanted to look at the store window and O wanted to follow the beetle. D still wanted to go in the toy store. So I moved forward and hoped to be able to distract the toddlers with fun-to-look-at things in the toy store. They were both so worked up by then from being strapped into the stroller that they were angrily pointing at everything they saw. They cried looking at the wind up trains. They cried looking at the stuffed animals. They cried looking at the books. They then start screaming. I realized I couldnt stay in the store. Not only could I not shop when they were trying to grab everything within reach, but I couldnt think straight with the two of them screaming at the top of their lungs in such a small shop, especially as my 4.5-year old ran from toy to toy begging, "Momma, can we buy this soldier? Momma, can we buy this drum? Momma, hey, Momma, look at this, Momma!"

What would I have done there if I only had one two-year old? I would have told D that I needed to look at the store window first or follow the beetle before we go in the toy store. Sometimes I can do those things with the toddlers. Sometimes I can interest both toddlers in what one of them is interested in, "Hey, O, come and see what C found in this window!" or "Hey, C, come see where this beetle is going with us!" That doesnt always work though. I can reason with D and tell him, "I understand that you want to go in the toy store now, but I need to do this first." But the toddlers are both two and they are not always easily distracted. I also dont always have the time to play out what they want to the extent that they want it. I cant follow a bug for 10 minutes every time one of them finds a bug, especially as the other two-year old is more than likely taking off in a different direction.

Other times I just have my hands full, as I often hear. We went out shopping at an outlet mall. We planned our trip at a "good time" for the kids. First store we walked into the toddlers started screaming. I tried to let them out of the stroller in the dressing room and they went crazy-- pushing the stroller, crawling under doors, wrestling. I got them back in the stroller and they grabbed things on racks and screamed at the top of their lungs. My granny took them outside and starting walking around the mall with them. It worked, though she had to keep them moving. As soon as she stopped they would start crying again. Even more inconvenient, they couldnt see me without crying. I had to slip in and out of the stores without them seeing me in order for them to be happy. We didnt want to shop long. We werent looking to do an all-day-shop-till-you-drop marathon. No, we wanted to meander in an outlet mall, get some lunch, see what was there. Something to do one of the days of our trip before we had to head back for an attempted naptime. For some reason, they just decided the outlet mall was a great place to have huge tantrums, forcing us to cut our outing short.

My husband and I have always said we wanted our kids to be part of our life, not be the end of our life for 18+ years. We want to go places and do things with them. I heard often when I was out pregnant with twins, "Oh! You wont be doing this [whatever it was] once those babies come!" "Better enjoy it now before those babies are born!" On and on, all these comments that our life would be over once we brought the twins home. Ive written many blogs about our schedule their first year and how happy I was when I felt we finally had some flexibility (read "Light at the end of the schedule"). We did make changes once they were born, but they were not abrupt-- twin pregnancy has a way of slowing you down. At home, I do take the kids out, planned around naptime. We go to the childrens museum, to the park, to friends houses. We go to restaurants I can manage the kids at. However, this trip was one of those times where I felt like, "Whoa! This is a little crazy!" They clung to me and refused to nap. They cried nearly every time we went out. They cried through bath time. They didnt eat meals well. I just felt like they were a little all over the place.

I also feel like I was a little hard on my oldest since the toddlers were keeping me so busy. I felt like I needed him to understand and wait nearly every time whereas at home I try to balance it. Sometimes D needs to work on sharing with his brothers (building with Lego Duplos in the family room of the timeshare) and sometimes his brothers need to give him space (hes sitting on the couch watching shows and they climb on him to wrestle). I felt like every time I asked him to be understanding-- a 4.5 year old on vacation with his grandparents. He was excited to be somewhere new just as much as his brothers were yet I asked him to slow down while his brothers smashed his block tower or refused to leave him alone as he sat on the couch. Logistically, I didnt know how to separate all of them. The toddlers were tired from not napping and there wasnt a place I could pen them up as I can at home-- gating off their toddler-proof play room. There were also three children two and under (my twin two-year olds and my sisters one-year old) and only one 4.5-year old. The activities at the timeshare were much more geared to their age group than his. I felt like I didnt have a lot of options for them all and explaining to D how I needed him to behave was the most sensible solution. It was one of those times where I felt some serious Mommy guilt from not being able to do all the things I wanted to do with each of my kids as I wanted to do them. I still dont know what would have been the better option. They wouldnt stay in their PackNPlays, so would sitting with them screaming in my lap so he could build a tower without their interference have been a better choice? I dont really want that to be the standard.

I am determined to get out and enjoy life. I want them to go places and vacation with their grandparents. I loved watching them play with their cousin and so enjoyed spending time with my sister. My parents were a lot of help, as was my sister. This was just one of those trips where we all collapsed on the couch after the kids went to bed and said, "Whew! That was quite a day!"

I really hope they have better dispositions on our next trip!

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weight loss during pregnancy in third trimester

5-years old is a fun age. I know our oldest has only been five for a handful of weeks now, but Ive loved every minute of it. Is this what people have meant by it gets easier? (And it only took 5 years! Not including 9 months of pregnancy!)

Dont get me wrong, I absolutely love being a stay-at-home mom. I love spending every day with my kids and helping them through each milestone, kissing every boo-boo, wiping away every tear, scaring away all the monsters, and going on countless backyard adventures. Every momma knows that there are easy stages and hard stages. 5 years old has proven to be one of those stages that feels like a fun adventure, glittered with childhood imagination and peppered with mysteries to solve and experiments to conduct. I love it.

Ds imagination at 5 has just taken off. Hes always been big on costumes and pretend play, but now we have elaborate plots and various "rules." I love when he pipes up from the backseat, "Hey, Momma! Want to hear a story?" Of course I do! His stories are long-winded and sometimes missing a point, but some of them are laugh out loud funny and others are just heartwarming (like the little boy who had two little brothers that he loved more than anything in the whole wide world-- yeah, super cute!). I love when he tries to play Magic School Bus with his 2-year old twin brothers, "No, no! You are Arnold. You have to say... And, Carlos! You have to sit here! Where are you going?" Im supposed to be Ms. Frizzle in the chaos, but it is too cute half the time to intervene.

Even better, 5 seems to be the magical age of explaining and negotiating. No longer do we have conversations like the one I had with one of our 2-year olds the other night, "No green beans, no watermelon. Yes green beans, yes watermelon," holding up samples of said items to reinforce my point. I can tell D things like, "You need to be a gentleman at breakfast. A lot of family came to town to see you. They want to talk to you. Do not use potty words. Tell them the things youve learned about the beach this summer." And guess what? He behaved like a perfect gentleman, even pulling me to the side later to tell me that he did just what I said and "didnt use potty words or anything potty talk except when I had to go poop then I said, Excuse me, I have to go poop." (Still working on etiquette!)

He didnt want to go to his summer day camp because he was going to miss me too much, so we talked about one of our favorite family reads, Llama Llama Misses Mama by Anna Dewdey (honestly, you should check out all of the Llama books). I asked him what happened when Llama Llama went to school. D says, "He missed his momma and started crying because he wanted to go home." I urged him to go further, "But then what happened? What did his teacher tell him?" D answered quickly, "She said it was okay to miss Momma! That Momma was coming back!" He told me about all the fun things Llama Llama did at school before his momma came to pick him up again. And then I quoted the last pages of the book, "Llama finds out something new. He loves Mama... and school too!" When I dropped him off at summer day camp, he leaned forward to kiss my cheek and whispered to me, "I love Momma and camp too!" Precious.

There, of course, are new things to deal with at 5. He has his little pride. When he fails at something, like making a basket or hitting the ball, and we laugh, he takes it very personally. (Okay, it sounds mean when I write it like that, but it is absolutely adorable when our little 5-year old shakes his little bottom before pulling the bat back and swinging as hard as he can, missing the ball, and spiraling down to the ground. Adorable. You keep a straight face!) He feels left out, especially when we are doing something with his brothers and not him, like their speech therapy sessions. "Why cant I play? Will someone come over to do speech therapy with me?" He wants to be a big boy, just like his dad. "The baby-sitter is here for my brothers, but she is going to big-boy-sit me, not baby-sit." He wants to be the center of attention and a stand-up comedian. "What do you call a snail on a ship? A SNAIL-or! What do you call a dog on a ship? A SNAIL-or! What do you call a baby on a ship? A BABY!" (Okay, still working on etiquette and jokes...) And a 5-year old can take whining to an all new level. He makes our 2-year olds look like amateurs, which, in a way, they are. He can whine for an entire day. I tell him, "Bud, you need to speak up and use your regular voice." He replies, barely audible, "thisismyregularvoice...." I dont know always what sets off the whining. Sometimes he feels hes been slighted, like if I make him give a toy to his brothers or if I say no to making double chocolate chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. I dont like the whining, but, man, sometimes I need to laugh out loud because the level of whining he can reach is just absolutely ridiculous! Surely there is a Preschool Olympics somewhere I could enter him in...

I love that he has interests now besides just loud trucks or stacking blocks. He wants to build towers and cities for his action figures. He wants to get really good at baseball and basketball. He wants to ride his bike without training wheels. He wants to be an "army guy" and a sailor and a firefighter and Superman when he grows up. He wants to help with all my chores and know how to fold the laundry like I do. He wants to bathe himself, brush his own teeth, get himself ready by himself. He wants to walk close to me without holding my hand. He wants to show me how "awesome" his Listening Ears are, as we call them. He wants to know how things work and why things are the way they are. He wants to listen to the whole story and ask questions, read more stories about a topic. He wants to tell me everything he knows and everything he did that day (of course when he wants to tell me, not when I ask). He wants to be the worlds best big brother, the worlds best bike rider, the worlds best seat belt buckler, the worlds best popcorn eater...

There are still challenges. It is hard to balance his interests when Im also chasing twin 2-year olds. It is hard to listen to everything when we are in the midst of a move and I need to take the phone call. But that is just life. Life happens.

I love when parenting is this delightful, this joyful, this rewarding. There are many sleep-deprived nights, early mornings changing vomit sheets, horror at finding the diaper was removed sometime during afternoon nap, and tears shed over worry and heartbreak. And potty training. Really not looking forward to potty training our toddlers (putting it off for a long, long time). I dont want to jinx it, but I absolutely love 5-years old.

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weight loss during pregnancy in second trimester

Are you there, blog? Its me, Kimber.

It has been awhile since my last blog post and what a summer it has been!

The boys wearing matching outfits with their cousin
for my husbands commissioning weekend

Our asthmatic toddler had a flair up 3 weeks after we weaned him off Pulmicort under our doctors guidance. He hadnt had any flair ups and we wanted to see if he still needed daily medication in the summer months, as he is two-years old and is still considered to have "reactive airways." He caught croup which became bronchitis. We landed in the ER, following up with our pediatrician who thankfully followed up with us over the phone as well. Poor little guy was on Orapred in July, back on twice daily Pulmicort doses via nebulizer, and, during the flair up, Albuterol every 3-4 hours. We are keeping him on twice daily doses for 3 weeks before considering to wean him down to once a day, what he was on from May to the beginning of July. Weve also considered Singulair. Well see. Im going to go in and talk to our pediatrician again before we move from North Carolina to South Carolina (in 8 days). Im very (very, very, very) anxious about switching pediatricians this close to cold and flu season, especially since he has needed Orapred 3 times in a calendar year and did the Synagis vaccine last year-- also the number of ER visits he has needed. I feel that our current pediatrician is extremely involved in managing his asthma and that we receive excellent care from that office. The nurses know him. The front desk knows him. Our pediatrician is up to date on his treatment whenever we go in to talk to her and she calls us when hes having flair ups. Yeah, not sure we will find someone like her at the clinic on base, but well see. The clinic in Hawaii had great doctors, but it was hard to get an appointment and there was a lot of waiting. I also like having the childrens ER so close to us now, where we take him now when he needs help. In Hawaii we went to Tripler, which did not have a childrens ER and had really long waits. Im praying the clinic in South Carolina is much more up to date than in Hawaii or we may be switching him to TRICare Standard instead of keeping him on Prime. This is our first move with an asthmatic child.

Ah, yes, can you see there is a lot on my mind?

Our pack out is in 8 days. Our house is NOT ready for the movers to come. My husband graduated and commissioned this past week. Our three-year stay here in North Carolina has come to an end. It feels like we just moved here. In my "About Kimber" during the time hes been going through college with STA-21, it has said:

I started this blog to talk about our life as an active duty military family. With our current assignment, the focus has been much more on the family side of things than the Navy, mostly since the only time I have any Navy interaction is picking my husband up at the ROTC or the Navy/Marine Corps birthday ball.

That is all starting to change. I posted a blog summarizing what the STA-21 program is back in May (read "Seaman to Admiral "Officers" Program"). As I said, my husband just graduated, getting his degree in mechanical engineering in 3-years with a wife and three kids. I am so impressed with his accomplishment! It was a challenging road and often tested our marriage (read "Marriage"), just due to the stress of the program and the pressures of parenthood. One of my favorite things about this studly man that I married is that we always come out closer and better when we go through these challenges. I truly feel we are more in love now than when we got married over six years ago.

Now that hes graduated it is off to Power School. I know I posted information about this in my blog post "Seaman to Admiral "Officers" Program," but here is a quick summary again. Before my husband goes back to submarines (and starts going underway), he still needs to complete 3 Navy schools: power school, prototype, and Submarine Officer Basic School. When he enlisted just over 9 years ago he went through power school and prototype. Now that hes commissioned as an officer, he has to go through them again, this time as an officer. We are moving to South Carolina for him to go through power school. It is a 6 month school and we will be with him the whole time, though he will have long hours. Once he finishes power school, he will have to do prototype and Submarine Officer Basic School (SOBC). Prototype is 6 months long and we will also be with him the whole time, again, long hours. He may do prototype in South Carolina, meaning we wont have to move again, or he may do it in upstate New York, meaning we would be moving again. We wont find out where he is doing prototype until around the time he finishes power school, or just after. SOBC is about 2 months long and is unaccompanied. It is in Connecticut. He may go through SOBC after he completes power school or after he completes prototype; again, we wont find that out until later. Our lives for the next 1-2 years will be very "wait and see." We are just kind of taking all of this as it comes and making plans once we know for sure what we are doing (a big reason why we decided to homeschool for the next couple years). Im sure Ive shared this blog with you before, but I have found this blog helpful when learning about these 3 schools (I didnt know my husband when he went through them the first time), "Very) Unofficial Submarine Officer Pipeline Rundown." Here are the 3 posts on each of these schools: "Navy Nuclear Power School Rundown," "Navy Prototype Rundown (Ballston Spa Version)," and "Submarine Officer Basic School (SOBC) Rundown."

Im a little nervous about making friends again, especially with 3 little boys now. I feel like it will be a lot for my new, unsuspecting friends to take in. :) They arent as portable now that they are 5-years old and 2-years old; they have little minds of their own. I havent decided yet if Im going to join a local twin group there. I have enjoyed the playdates and the twice yearly consignment sale with my local twin group here in North Carolina. We shall see. I may just be busy balancing my husbands schedule and homeschooling our oldest in 5-year old preschool. I feel like my first priority will be finding activities for our boys.

The next couple weeks will be busy for us. I would love to write again soon; it helps me feel more calm and at peace with the world. Ive been working on a couple blog posts that I havent had time to finish or edit and would like to hopefully get them up, you know, when things settle down. Man, I have no idea what it will be like PCSing with 3 kids-- including 2-year old twins and a dog! We are in for an adventure!


Id love to hear from you!

If you have an opinion on using TRICare Prime or TRICare Standard, please share!

Also, Id love to hear your tips on PCSing with lots of kids! The last time we PCSd, we only had one child and he was 2-years old.

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