intentional weight loss during pregnancy

Here is my follow-up post on my partial molar pregnancy. All in all, I had the best possible outcome with a molar pregnancy: no complications and my numbers went down quickly.

Things Ive heard a lot of throughout this whole process:

• "At least it happened early in the pregnancy."
• "At least you have 3 healthy boys to focus on."
• "You can try again soon."
• "Im sure those complications wont happen to you; dont worry about it."
• "My friend who miscarried just gave birth to a beautiful baby."

Sometimes it felt like as soon as I talked about the molar pregnancy or answered questions about what a molar pregnancy is, people would rush to assure me that it was all going to be fine or not to worry about it or that we will get pregnant soon. While talking with my doctor, he told me that the chances of me having the more serious complications of a partial molar pregnancy (read "Molar pregnancy") were very low because of how quickly my numbers went to negative, so I also felt that my chances of relapsing were slim to none. Honestly, I dont know what I wanted people to say. And I know that people were just trying to let me know that they love me and want the best for me, that they worry about me and didnt want me to have to go through anything more. I knew that they were trying to give me hope. I guess I liked it best when someone would just say, "Oh, man, Im sorry you are going through this. Ill be praying things keep getting better for you." The comments of "youll get pregnant again soon" felt like people wanted me to stop grieving over the loss of this pregnancy, this baby, and to move on. Sometimes I just felt down about the whole situation and didnt know what I wanted to hear. Whatever people say though, Im still always happier when someone says something to me about it instead of ignoring it. Grief is hard to manage and often made me feel like I was pushing people away.

I had a hard time moving on from this pregnancy loss. We had gone through an unexpected pregnancy loss before (this partial molar pregnancy was my 4th pregnancy; I miscarried our 1st pregnancy as well) and it was hard then. On one hand, having my 3 beautiful boys was an absolute blessing. They did keep me busy and they did remind me of the beauty in life, the fun in the everyday. They relaxed me and kept my hands busy. On the other hand, it was hard to find time to grieve. I didnt feel that I had time to throw myself into the emotions I was feeling and that sometimes I had to push them to the side. Maybe that is why the grieving process took longer. I do also think that the uncertainty of the next couple years played a big role as well (my husband is in the Navy, read "Asthma, STA-21, commissioning, and PCSing-- yikes!"). I kept thinking, "Oh, this was perfect timing to have a baby. What if I get pregnant before he has to leave? What if I get pregnant and we are moving during my due date? What if I dont like my next OBGyn?"

It took me awhile to realize all the pressure I was putting on myself over something that I couldnt change. It was ridiculous. I didnt like hearing from people, "You need to give yourself time to heal," when I told them about this wait period with the blood draws, but I realized I do. I wouldnt be happy if we rushed into the next pregnancy and miscarried. During my mono/di twin pregnancy (read "Identical or fraternal [revised]"), one of my big rules, because it was high risk, was, if I went into premature labor, would I regret an activity/food/drink/etc? If the answer was yes, I didnt do the activity, like take the walk or finish the chore list or eat the cold cuts for lunch. (I hate the no cold cuts during pregnancy rule. Since when is that a thing??) The risk had to outweigh the benefit. For this partial molar pregnancy, the risk of rushing things did not outweigh the benefit. Our timeline of moving and my husbands Navy schedule will sort itself out. And, in all honesty, this timing of our partial molar pregnancy wasnt exactly perfect either. We are moving across state lines in less than a week and my due date for the partial molar pregnancy was September 9th. I would either be super pregnant right now, stressing about all the things that needed to get done for our move, or nursing a newborn, since Ive never made it to my due date, even with our singleton.

The thing that has been getting me down as we get ready to move is never going to my OBGyn again. When we got pregnant this last time, I was very excited that when all was said and done, I would have given birth to 3 kids in the same state, a big feat for a Navy family. I would have also used the same OBGyn for 2 pregnancies. I liked the idea of having the same doctors and saying, "Oh, last time Doctor P was just wonderful; Im so glad he could deliver us this time as well." The only consistency in my history with OBGyns I have is having a pregnancy and a miscarriage at the same practice. My first pregnancy (miscarriage) and my second pregnancy (singleton) was at the same OBGyn practice; my third pregnancy (mono/di twins) and my fourth pregnancy (miscarriage/partial molar) was at the same OBGyn.

Im also dreading passing the due date. My husband says to not worry about it and let it go. I know he means well and I know this whole thing has been hard on him as well (he was sooo worried about me when we got the diagnosis). I just dont seem to be able to. I cant believe how much time has passed. From our first questionable ultrasound at the end of January to now, August. My positive pregnancy test was at the end of 2012-- time is marching forward. It is much easier said than done to not focus on the passage of time. My friends who were pregnant at the same time as me are all giving birth to their babies. Other friends have announced their pregnancies. My heart fills with joy for them; I know many of them have also struggled with infertility, pregnancy loss, and complicated or high risk pregnancies. Im not begrudging any of them. Just seeing their pregnancies come to fruition reminds me of where I "should be" in my pregnancy-- definitely something I have struggled to let go of. There are also smaller things, like commercials on TV that made us laugh when I was pregnant, "Oh, thats going to be us," or whatever we said. Now I see them and am reminded of how excited I was about the pregnancy and how excited our oldest was to be a big brother again.

This update has taken me awhile to write because the feelings were so raw for so long. Now Im honestly at a much better spot. Occasionally my heartstrings are pulled, like with the approaching due date, but the constant longing when I see a pregnant belly has died down. I remember the first couple blood draw appointments, taken at my OBGyn office, were really hard. I would sit in the waiting room and try not to look at the pregnant women checking in or struggling to lower themselves in those waiting room chairs (pregnant bellies are so cumbersome). I remember this one gal who was standing in line with her hand resting on her tummy; I thought the baby was kicking and she was feeling the little movements. I miss feeling that, in spite of how miserable carrying a pregnancy actually was for me. Now I dont feel my cheeks flush when confronted with a pregnant belly and I dont automatically calculate the weeks I "should be" when I look at my calendar. I dont feel on the verge of tears when our oldest asks when we are going to have another baby or tells me how much he wants a little sister; I can easily talk to him and answer his questions.

So now Im cleared to TTC, as many online forums call it (Try To Conceive). Whenever we get pregnant again, I will have close monitoring during the first trimester to make sure that Im not carrying another molar pregnancy. The molar pregnancy is behind us, but, as every woman who has experienced pregnancy loss in one form or another, it will never be forgotten. Two miscarriages, one of them being a molar pregnancy, has definitely made my husband and I nervous when it comes to certainty in our positive pregnancy tests. No, we are not pregnant now, but we recently discussed our feelings going forward. I was surprised to find that both he and I had the same feelings toward our next pregnancy. We are excited to be able to try again, though nervous. Nervous to experience all of this again, nervous at the possibility of miscarrying, nervous at the uncertainty of pregnancy and the heartbreak of loss. I think he feels much more like he doesnt want to get his hopes up whenever we find out we are pregnant again. I feel much more like I dont want to lose another baby. Its funny how men and women view things so differently. Ive learned through this whole thing that sometimes he words things differently than I would and that he views things differently than I do; however, his love is deep and strong and he felt the loss as well. He is my best friend and Im thankful for him everyday.

Heres to hoping!

My other blog posts on my molar pregnancy:

"Miscarriage"

"Molar pregnancy"

"The bake queen"

"3 weeks, 3 months"

"Time wont let me go"

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weight loss during pregnancy is it safe

"Live a little, be a gypsy get around.
Get your feet up off the ground.
Live a little, get around."
-Paul McCartney, Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey

We are less than a week away from PCSing from North Carolina to South Carolina. I dont know why this move out of all the other moves weve done is so dang stressful. Ive moved from the west coast to the Northeast by myself as a newlywed. Ive moved from the Northeast to Hawaii by myself with a newborn. I even signed our lease for our apartment here in North Carolina by myself with a toddler and a power of attorney. And here we are, three years later moving one state down with my husband to help on both ends and Im having an absolute panic attack.

Every time we are about to move, I envision it going like the last scene in Thirteen Going on Thirty with Jennifer Garner and Mark Ruffalo.

Image courtesy of The Blue Craftsman

?

They are adorable. The pink house, the couch in the lawn, cuddling on it and laughing... Ive never had the movers put my couch on the lawn and give us a moment on it to cuddle and laugh. Even if they did, I would probably be too stressed out about how they were packing our artwork to take advantage of the movie moment anyways.

Recently Chopped aired an episode where the contestants had to create dishes using "wasted" ingredients (view episode at FoodNetwork.com). I feel like that has been our breakfasts, lunches, and dinners for the past couple weeks, with a minor interlude when all both our familys came to town for my husbands commissioning. Last night for dinner we had frozen blueberry waffles, a cold tomato salad, and pimento scrambled eggs. We discovered 32 eggs in our garage refrigerator and so tonight we are either having a frittata or omelets, probably with the same pimento, yellow pepper, onion, and tomato filling. Im giving the kids Greek yogurt with nearly all their meals (how did we acquire so much Greek yogurt???). Thankfully we are driving to South Carolina so all our pantry ingredients can be transported in our car instead of thrown out or given away like when we moved from Hawaii. Re-buying all your oils and vinegars is annoying and it feels absolutely wasteful throwing out all your cleaning products and pantry items.

Oh, moving. You are just messing with my head. Our house here in North Carolina was perfect for the kids, considering it is a ranch-style home with a playroom and fenced in backyard. The storage space here was horrible. I feel like our things are shoved in musty closets or jumbled in bins. I keep thinking, "Do I want this room packed this way?" Im so worried we will have small boxes of books and other things from every room. I dont want to get overly OCD, but I want all my books packed together so I can figure out what I want to do with them on the other end. Ive never lived in a home laid out like this where Ive had to put bookcases in every corner of every room. Aside from books, we have often joked about how weve taken advantage of our vertical storage; we now need to have everything on the upper shelves and on top of cabinets taken down to easily be within reach of the movers-- all the coffee cups and rarely used kitchen appliances. We need to have everything that cant be lifted off the walls taken down for the movers (the television, artwork). And have I mentioned we have toddler twins and a five-year old in the mix? They are fascinated with absolutely everything weve taken down.

The to-do list feels like it is never ending, especially when considering all the things we need to do in one day before we turn the keys back over (cleaning the house, carpet cleaning, etc). I know that it isnt. I know we will get it done. I know that we will get through this week and it wont be as bad as Im thinking in my head.

Right now I have bags of our pantry items lining the wall in our family room, a gated area we dont let our toddlers into unsupervised. I have winter jackets hanging in door ways as I sort through long forgotten closets. Our playroom is absolutely trashed, between me combing through toys we no longer need and our toddlers entertaining themselves while I work. Our master bedroom is piled with laundry, to-do lists, and items weve stashed away out of the toddlers reach for one reason or another. I feel like Im constantly stepping over a pile or telling the boys to stop touching something.

I think a lot of things are adding to my stress level, things I need to let go of. I feel like weve had a break from military life these last three years due to the STA-21 program (read "STA-21 Officers Program"). Im nervous about heading back into that with three kids, especially now that weve decided to go career Navy. This has felt like a glimpse into civilian life and it is nice. Im slightly envious of my friends who are settling into these houses that they plan on staying in until their children are grown, who are picking neighborhoods based on school districts all the way up to high school, when currently their oldest is four-years old. It tugs at my heart to see my oldest saying good-bye to friends that he has come to love dearly (read this recent article by Military Spouse Magazine, "Lessons About Saying Good-bye from a Five-Year Old Military Child"). I dont want to say good-bye. I dont want to leave this area. I love my friends. I love this area. I could see us here. I could see my kids grow up here.

But it is time. It is time to say close this chapter. It is time to face the mess in my house and check off my to-do list. It is time to start looking into kids programs in our new area in South Carolina. It is time to start posting in Navy wife forums asking if anyone else will live near us. It is time to spread new roots, to make new friends, to let our friends here in North Carolina know how much we have loved them and our friendships with them. It is time to start the cycle all over again of "Making friends," like the blog I posted in September of 2011. This is a hard thing to do every few years as a military family. A friend asked me at lunch this past week if it is easier now since Ive done it so many times before. The answer is no. It is hard to open your heart at each duty station and let people in. It is hard to connect and love someone and say good-bye. Im determined to embrace each duty station with open arms, knowing there is eventually an end, either with us moving away or our military friends moving away. It is something that I will probably always struggle with because sometimes it feels exhausting (read, "Making the best"). Even with the challenges, right now I love this life. I love living new places. I love settling into a new home and redecorating. I love having a reason to go through all our boxes every couple years and constantly being reminded of our treasures. Who else has a reason to open keepsake boxes every one to three years? I love finding my engagement ring box, baby books, and mementos of our good times. I love the people I meet and exploring new areas. I love feeling like this life is an adventure that Im embarking on with my best friend and our beautiful children.

And duties of this life call. Time to get back to packing! Forget Tuesday afternoon, laundry is never ending...

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weight loss during pregnancy is it normal

Organizing my books

 
We have successfully PCSd! This is my first blog post in South Carolina. So far I absolutely love our house. This is the biggest kitchen we have ever had! I cant believe that I actually have unused space in my kitchen cupboards. When I was showing the empty cupboard to my husband, he says, "Well, there is no reason to go out and fill it either." I think he was trying to tell me that I dont need anymore kitchen gadgets. Since Im fairly certain there is a Pampered Chef consultant in my neighborhood, I personally do not think that cupboard will stay empty long. ;)

We moved into a four bedroom house and decided before we got here that we would have a playroom, a guest room, and bunk beds in one bedroom, the boys room. In fact, we were so certain of this decision that we took advantage of a sale at Pottery Barn Kids and bought a bunk bed and a single bed in preparation (military families: be sure to ask for the military discount at Pottery Barn! They apply it on top of sales!). The boys room idea is working great so far. Our oldest loves being on the top bunk. We put a shelf up there for all his special things and his little brothers are not allowed up there (or even on the ladder). The rule is going well for the time being.

Enough about the house. How was PCSing with three kids, including 2-year old twins?

This was actually an awesome move. I am so glad this was our first move with three kids. My husband was home on both ends; during our past moves he would only be home for the pack out and usually not both days of the pack out. We had three days of pack out this time and we had a direct move! Our HHGs were loaded onto a truck in North Carolina and the lead packer drove the same truck down to South Carolina and unloaded our HHGs there. The lead packer was excellent. We told them which of our high value items we wanted to watch him pack; we only told him once and he came to get me to say he was about to pack them up. Weve had barely anything to claim. The crew that unloaded our HHGs in South Carolina was very nice. I tend to be surprised at how much furniture they are taking off the truck, "Where would you like this bookcase, maam?" "Omigosh... I totally forgot about that bookcase... We are going to have to rearrange all the furniture in this room..." Instead of the usual barely concealed eye rolling that Ive received from moving crews in the past, these guys would say, "Sounds good. Tell us where you want it." They didnt rush me to make up my mind about where I wanted furniture and they unloaded our goods in a timely manner. I was very impressed with how quickly they unloaded our HHGs. When we moved from Hawaii to North Carolina with far less things (we only had one child then moved into a two-bedroom apartment), the movers took well into the night to unload our things, despite my attempts to get them to hurry along the process. But there were a lot of problems with that move.


This was our first time using move.mil. I really hated filling out all the move information online. I did not understand why I had to go through the whole process on move.mil only to then give all the same information to our Transportation Office over the phone and then again to a move coordinator. We were also in a remote location in North Carolina; our closest Transportation Office was about an hour away. I really wanted to just go into an office and get the whole thing over with-- no more trying to get a hold of someone just to get a small question answered. I really felt like I was the only one who cared about getting the ball rolling on our move; the gal I spoke with at the Transportation Office was exceedingly disagreeable. However, once everything was squared away, we were assigned a move representative who was fabulous. I mean, absolutely wonderful to work with. It was so nice having a phone number and extension for one person who I could call whenever I had a question. She got back to me in a timely manner and if she didnt have the answer right away, she would call me back the same day with the answer. I loved that. The only ridiculous aspect of having a move coordinator is when there were discrepancies, like she had the wrong move date in our paperwork for some reason. When I told her the correct move date, she had to call the local contracted moving company to verify the move date that I had given her and then call me back to tell me she sent me an email verifying the correct date. It felt like a bit of a production. Whenever I wanted to complain about it though I realized she was the one doing the verifying and not me-- which I liked.

With three children-- a five-year old and two-year old twins-- we decided that we wanted to move to a hotel the first day of the pack out, not even deal with attempting to somewhat baby proof a house rapidly filling with boxes. Even better, local friends of ours volunteered to take our oldest son for most of our pack out. They picked him up the second day of our pack out and kept him at their house until the day we left North Carolina, a total of three days. We found a Hyatt Place that accepted dogs since we also had our small dog Louis with us. Originally we had reserved a 2 bedroom suite at the Residence Inn, but our move date was bumped up by a week and there was a price jump between the two weeks that was far more than we wanted to pay per night. So we stayed at the Hyatt Place, which is basically like a really large hotel room. There is a half partition between the 2 queen beds and the couch area. The space was comfortable once our oldest went to stay with his friends. That first night when all five us and the dog slept in there we were feeling awfully cramped. My husband slept on the couch that night and I slept in a queen bed with our oldest while the two toddlers shared the other queen bed. Without a five-year old bouncing around in the room touching everything ("Whats this little fridge for? Can I drink this? Why is the television like that? What does this button do? Louis, fetch, boy! Fetch! Lets jump from bed to bed!"), I easily entertained the two-year olds with the Duplo blocks I had brought with us and the Llama Llama stories. I also was able to get them to nap without their older brother keeping them up. I originally questioned whether I wanted him staying so long away from us during the move time-- like I wanted the whole family together-- but in the end I was extremely grateful that they had volunteered. It really did make things easier.

During the pack out days, we dropped the kids off at drop-in childcare. We kept them there from about 9 am to 2 pm each day of the pack out. The last day of the pack out, when our stuff was gone and we were starting to get the house prepped to hand the keys over, we dropped them off again for an hour and a half in the evening. It is amazing what you can get done in an hour and a half without two toddlers clinging to your legs. I picked them up in the afternoon and went back to the hotel room with them to attempt to get them to nap, or at least to enforce a quiet time. My husband was in charge of the pack out, watching the movers pack our things and keeping track of what was put in the parts box. I picked up lunch for each of the three days. The first day we had picked up a sandwich platter from Costco along with a fruit bowl. The second day we served the leftover sandwich platter and my husband and I had take out since there wasnt enough for us too. The third day we picked up one of those family meals from KFC that has a big bucket of chicken. We made sure to have bottles of water every day for the movers.

The North Carolina end of the move went smoothly. We had lots of help from friends and knew where restaurants were and what resources we had, like the drop-in childcare. The South Carolina end was tricky. Our kids were with us from start to finish. The third day of our pack out was on a Friday. Saturday we had our house cleaned and did the final walk through, turning over the keys. Sunday we drove to South Carolina. Monday morning we got the keys to our new place and had our HHGs delivered (Im telling you, direct moves are awesome!). The kids were bouncing off the walls the entire time we were in the housing office. My husband and I were really worried how it would go when our HHGs were delivered since we had nowhere for them to nap and werent sure how they would behave. Surprisingly, they did great. The movers were friendly and let me know when they were about to bring in something big and heavy. We also were able to quickly get outside toys off the truck which kept them very entertained in the driveway. Late in the afternoon we found both packnplays and set them up in one of the bathrooms for a nap. The movers were quiet outside the bathroom door and we were able to get them to take a power nap.

We have friends who are also living in South Carolina. They brought us over a platter of enchiladas and a delicious bunt cake the day our HHGs were delivered. My husband and I decided to eat it on Tuesday night since we had errands to run Monday after the movers left. We got a quick bite to eat Monday evening and then drove the boys to Costco at the fussiest time of day to do a "quick trip." Again, they did surprisingly well. We were expecting full on temper tantrums the whole time, but I think everything was so new and exciting that they were too distracted to misbehave. We did get in and out of there as fast as we could though! Tuesday we got to the house and set up the boys room right away. I had brought all the sheets for our beds with us so we wouldnt have problems finding the sheets in South Carolina and also so I wouldnt have to wash them before putting them on the bed. Once there room was set up, my husband got to work in the garage and I got to work in the house. It was great smelling those enchiladas baking in our oven that night for dinner! We were so happy to be checked out of our hotel and finally be home, even if home was a house full of boxes! All in all, we spent six days in a hotel, four days in North Carolina and two days in South Carolina.

Our oldest sleeping through our HHG delivery

It took us eight days to get our house out of boxes. Eight days of waking up and starting before 7 am and finishing around 2 am. I know where the Costco, Sams Club, and Target is here. Ive been to Target many times already. My husband has worked tirelessly to get our garage organized. I think that was a bigger project than getting the house together. We spent many evenings and mealtimes hanging pictures, times when the boys were either strapped in their high chairs or in their room in bed. With kids, you unpack the house by order of priority: the boys room so they can sleep in a baby-proofed space, their playroom so they have somewhere safe to play, the kitchen so you can cook their meals, the bathrooms so the family can get ready for the day, the closets, the laundry room, and the living room. Next comes the guest room. The office barely makes it on the list and has become a catch-all for the random box or two we still need to unpack and the things we need to organize (why on earth do I have so much art supplies?!). The last couple things we have to do are small: we are waiting on the couch we ordered to be delivered, Im getting some things framed for our living room, and Im painting canvases for the boys room. These things will eventually get done and Im not worried about them. Our office may never get done. That is a project Im definitely putting off for some long, dreary day this winter. :)

While there were many factors that got us unpacked so quickly this time, I always like to give myself a deadline of when I will get the house unpacked. Im worried that if I dont, my whole house will end up like our office, an unfinished project with random bits and pieces stacked in corners. I dont want to live in a house, even for a short amount of time, that doesnt feel like home. Ive written before about how up in the air our schedule is here (read "Asthma, STA-21, commissioning, and PCSing-- yikes!"). We could be in South Carolina anywhere from 6 months to 2 years, though we shouldnt be here much longer than that. On top of wanting our current house to feel like home, my husband and I agree that we dont want to start having "garage boxes," as we call them. When the movers are unloading the truck, you tend to give them an area to put boxes you are unsure of where they go, like if a box is marked storage or whatever, you tell them, "Oh, just put that in the garage. Well go through it later." But the later never comes and the next time you move, you have these random garage boxes that never got opened. During our in-town moves in North Carolina (read "Across town move"), we ended up with a couple garage boxes. I opened them all up before we PCSd to South Carolina and was surprised at what I found. One of them was a donate box, another full of puzzles and games that Id been looking for. I really would like to put off accumulating garage boxes for as long as possible! Im sure it is inevitable we will have some with such a large family, but we are fighting the uphill battle for as long as we can.

I plan on writing a blog post about moving with our five-year old. The two-year olds have done great. They have had the expected amount of tantrums from their routines being totally thrown off and their parents completely occupied with unpacking the house. They have enjoyed tasks like shoving the moving paper into empty boxes. They have really enjoyed climbing in empty boxes and pretending they are racecars. Our oldest misses North Carolina a lot. He misses his friends and is feeling unsure about the new place. We are trying to set up familiar routines here to help him feel a little more in control here. I have absolutely loved our new community here. Our neighbors are wonderful. Not only have they watched our boys when I needed childcare in a bind, but weve also already had two playdates in the short 12 days that weve been here. One of our neighbors has even been picking our oldest up when they go for family walks in the evening. I was so worried about making friends when we moved here because of the challenge I had doing so at our last duty station (read "Making friends"). This moving experience has really made me fall in love with the military community all over again; my husband and I have felt so incredibly blessed by our neighbors here.

Now, I would attach some of the good pictures that I took with our Sony Cybershot... but all the cables are still packed in the office boxes...

Things that were extremely helpful during this move:

-Our move notebook (read "Write it all down")

-A clipboard with a pad of paper, like the Greenroom recycled clipboard from Target

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baby weight loss blog

My beautiful boho boy has been changing and growing so fast these past couple of months that I cant keep up. Here are some pictures I took of him when he was 10 months old, before we moved.  Last month is when he became obsessed with standing all the time and walking with just holding on to one of our fingers. Oh Lord, here it comes. Its going to be non-stop from here. I can feel it. His smile started looking more "big boy" as 2 new teeth poked through, one on the bottom and one on the top. Each month he proves more and more that he is a total ham, and full of personality. The fact that he has increasingly become more snuggly the past couple of months instead of less, makes me feel like the most blessed momma on the planet. Yes, Ill take some Forest boy cuddles please. ;) Seriously, I cant stop giving him kisses. One of my favorite things he started doing at 9-10 months is pretending like hes feeding me or sharing his food when I give him his meals. Its so dang cute!

Oh Káel, you are my little dream catcher. You are opening my heart more and more every day. Being your momma is the most magical, unexplainable experience. I never thought I could feel this kind of love. You just amaze me everyday with your smiles that are meant just for me, the way you giggle when your daddy kisses you and your expression when you are trying to figure a new something out. You are the sweetest, most glorious dream, my little love. You make life more incredible than I or your daddy can describe. Everyone who knows and loves you has an extra smile on their face because of who you are. Happy adventuring my small sir. I love you. -Momma

This head wrap was sent to me by one of my amazing readers, Kevan Christine. You can check out more of her goodies here or her blog here.

He tries to copy his daddy and push the foot pedals while he plays the piano.

He started crawling down stairs at 10 months...only supervised. ;)

We tie-dyed these cotton pants at his baby shower and they have been the best knee saver, when he crawls on concrete. 

I prayed that he would have his daddys eyebrows and eyelashes.... my wish was granted. ;) Eeeeee! I cant get enough of his little face!

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maintaining weight loss during pregnancy

"I am so homesick now for someone that I never knew.
I am so homesick now for someplace I will never be.

Time wont let me go; time wont let me go..."

-Time Wont Let Me Go by the Bravery

I posted awhile ago about getting "a little help from my friends." Lately, Ive really needed a little help from my friends. I have felt so stuck with this past miscarriage and molar pregnancy. I feel so sad about losing this baby and I feel so disappointed we have to wait to start trying again (thankfully, not wait as long as we were originally told, read "3 weeks, 3 months"). There is a weight on my chest and I feel like Im going through the motions.

Yesterday I took the boys to the park and let them play in the woods. They had so much fun running around together and playing. I sat down against a tree, leaned back, and let the sun shine on my face. The foliage kept whispering in front of the sun beams as the wind blew threw the trees. I felt the sunlight flicker against eyelids. It was so relaxing to just be, to hear the boys playing around me and need to do nothing but enjoy the moment.

It has been hard to talk to people about whats going on. Posting on my blog is one thing. Im not even sure how many people I know actually read my blog and Ive enjoyed writing about it. Talking about it is another thing. I feel my voice start quivering or I wonder if Im using the wrong words or if Im offending my listener. What is their story? Are my struggles acceptable to talk about? What if they repeat what Im telling them and people start gossiping about me? I start doubting myself and feeling self-conscious for wanting to talk about my raw, open feelings. I wonder if Im letting the right person in. Why are adult problems so complicated? Are they actually that complicated or am I making them complicated?

Sometimes I find myself thinking about my best friends who live so far away. I love talking on the phone with them and hearing the raw emotion in their voice, how much they care about me and feeling that surge of love because I know how much I care about them. I long to sit on their couches and sip a cup of coffee while we just be together. It is so nice to be around best friends that know-- know what you are going through inside and out, not just the "big thing" but all the little things that are making the big thing worse. I know they are praying for me and thinking about me, just as I pray for them and think about them. Distance, though... the distance is still there. We cant change distance.

And I cant change what happened. I cant turn back time and look at the ultrasound screen and see a healthy baby. I cant change that my husband is swamped in school. I cant change that the toddlers are two and suffering through "#toddlerproblems," as Honest Toddler calls them. I cant change the busyness of day to day life with three kids. I cant change that my family lives so far away and that it is a road trip to get a hug from my mom (though I can shamelessly "borrow" all the things from her that remind me of her). Ugh, and I cant change this wretched molar pregnancy diagnosis.

What I can do is talk about it. I have reached out to my local friends; Im going out on a limb. Im doing what makes me uncomfortable and letting people in. I need to let people in. Its a risk, but a risk worth taking. Ive found out that others have gone through similar things, some things more heart-wrenching than what Ive experienced. I was talking to a friend who was telling me about her mindset, or way of thinking, when dealing with life challenges. Sometimes she finds that shes approaching the problem with the wrong attitude, which really struck a chord with me. I feel like Im just focusing on what I cant change. I need to move on. I need to acknowledge my loss and... and something. Im not sure what the something is yet.

When we lost our first baby in pregnancy #1, I woke up in the middle of the night and pulled out the box of baby clothes I had bought during the pregnancy. I laid all the layettes and onsies out on the floor, thinking of the baby that would never wear them. I held the empty clothes and wept. When our first born came home from the hospital, I thought of that first baby, the one that was never born, how old that baby would have been. That baby has never left my heart, but Ive accepted the loss. I think I just need time. Time to pass and lessen the sadness. When I think of this last pregnancy, I just think of what will never be, what isnt anymore. It feels like a loss only real and present in my heart. Im afraid if I let it go that it will be like it didnt happen.

So, at the risk of sounding redundant, I havent move on yet. Im trying to get to the place that I can let go and that I can embrace the present. Ive found some comfort in talking to my local friends about the loss and hearing their stories. Ive found a lot of comfort in praying about it and journaling about it. Ive found more and more comfort in loving on my boys and going through the motions of family life.

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weight loss during pregnancy nhs

I had a follow-up appointment for my partial molar pregnancy today. While a molar pregnancy is far from good news, thankfully my molar pregnancy is "behaving." As I explained in my blog post "Molar pregnancy," the treatment for a molar pregnancy is monitoring your hCG levels after the D&C to make sure they keep going down and then remain negative, typically over a span of 6 months.

I did some researching and asking around regarding the wait time to start trying again after having a molar pregnancy. A friend of our family who is a doctor said that waiting for 6 months is a very conservative approach and may not be necessary. He said that he would recommend 3 weeks of negative test results followed by 3 months of negative test results. I asked in my molar pregnancy support group and was given a study called "Low Risk of Relapse After Achieving Undetectable hCG Levels in Women With Partial Molar Pregnancy." It has a long list of authors: from the Donald P. Goldstein, MD, Trophoblastic Tumor Registry, New England Trophoblastic Disease Center; Division of Gynecologic Oncology, Division of Clinical and Epidemiologic Research, and Department of Obstetrics, Gynecology, and Reproductive Biology, Brigham and Womens Hospital; Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology, Massachusetts General Hospital; Gillette Center for Womens Cancer, Dana Farber Cancer Institute; and Harvard Medical School, Boston, Massachusetts. I found a link to it here by Googling the studys name.

One of the gals in the group actually emailed Donald P. Goldsteing, MD, at the New England Trophoblastic Disease Center and received a very informative email from his office that stated in bold, "Recent research has shown that pregnancy may be safely undertaken after three months of normal (<5) HCG tests." (Im not sure if I can share the email on my blog.)

I printed off the study and the email and brought them in to my OBGyn for todays appointment. My first blood test yielded very low hCG levels. I also had an ultrasound earlier this week that showed the cyst I did have left over is regressing on its own-- all good news. My doctor reiterated how pleased he was with the results from the first blood test and how great the ultrasound looked. I took this as a perfect lead in to discuss a shorter wait time. I told him that I had done some research since the last time I was at his office and showed him my findings. I even tried to make a case, pointing out that my results have been looking so good that my husband and I feel this is the direction we are leaning. My OBGyn, a very nice man, had to laugh. He said he was aware of the study and that he feels that waiting for 6 months is the safest route that he recommends. However, he conceded that he feels there is hardly a chance of me relapsing in months 4-6, considering my case, and that he would support my decision. We came up with a new plan of action: 3 negative weekly tests followed by 3 monthly tests as long as we keep getting good results. We agreed together, my doctor and I, that if the tests start yielding unexpected results we will form a new plan; otherwise, I will make an appointment at the end of 3 months before we start trying for baby #4.

Oh, it was such a good appointment after so many bad ones. I loved when he wrote my scripts for lab work, weekly ones for April, and monthly ones for May, June, and July-- an end date! I dont know what I was expecting discussing this plan of action with my doctor. I really like him-- why we chose him through this process-- and I didnt want to argue with him about a shorter time or go against what he recommends. I just didnt feel that waiting for a full 6 months was absolutely necessary, especially not in my case. He was so respectful and understanding. I loved that we came up with a new plan together and how knowledgeable he is of molar pregnancies (he stated who did the study before I even showed it to him or gave the name of the study). It feels great to be working with my doctor and I feel like we are in good hands.

So today Im feeling optimistic. I am not happy that we had a molar pregnancy or that we couldnt just wait one cycle before trying again. I am definitely not happy we had a miscarriage. Im not happy that the first trimester of our next pregnancy will be even more stressful. No, none of that makes me happy. But I am joyful. God has a plan for us. I dont know what the plan is and I dont know what this taught me or if it was supposed to teach me anything. I just trust where God is leading me and today I was very happy to receive the news we did.

Im not sure how sappy or sentimental this is, but Ive had the song "Yellow" by Coldplay stuck in my head the last couple weeks. I think about this little baby that had such a hard time and didnt have a chance. Baby Flowers, your mommy loved you and your daddy loved you. Your big brother named you and prayed for you every day. It was so sweet and often brought tears to my eyes because he wanted to meet you so. I dont know if you were a boy or a girl; I dont really care. I loved you so. So this is your song, sweet baby. It has been a heartache and it has torn me apart many nights longing for you, but it was so, so worth it.

Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And everything you do
Yeah, they were all yellow
I came along
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do
And it was called "Yellow"
So then I took my turn
Oh, what a thing to have done
And it was all "Yellow"
Your skin
Oh, yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
You know, you know I love you so
You know I love you so
I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh, what a thing to do
Cos you were all "Yellow"
I drew a line
I drew a line for you
Oh, what a thing to do
And it was all "Yellow"
Your skin
Oh, yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
And you know
For you Id bleed myself dry
For you Id bleed myself dry
Its true
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine
Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And all the things that you do

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