is weight loss common during pregnancy

This post is not about how to cloth diaper, but about the cost of cloth diapering. We have not cloth diapered before. I really wanted to cloth diaper with our third pregnancy, but when we found out we were having twins, I feel like I talked myself out of it. In some ways I wish we had (budget); in other ways, I think it all worked out (convenience of disposables). Regardless, this time, I am cloth diapering come hell or high water.

Realizing this morning that I am almost 36 weeks pregnant, I figured it was about time to get baby #4s things together. My sister and I set out this morning to get all the last minute supplies I need before we have a newborn in the house (nursing pads, breast milk storage bags, pacifiers, etc). We also went by my new favorite local baby store and picked up all the things we will need to start off cloth diapering.

Im pretty pleased when I look at the bottom line of cloth diapering compared to the bottom line of disposable diapering. As of right now, I have enough supplies to conservatively cloth diaper through the toddler years. I will most definitely be buying more cloth diapers (and possibly supplies) before our cloth diaper days are through, but this supply is a very good start. I know that some of these things (for instance, the hand-me-down prefolds) are not things that everyone has ready access to-- such as a first time mom-- but other things (like my used BumGenius Elementals) can be found if you keep an eye out.

So here are the numbers:

11 BumGenius Elemental All-in-One Diapers for $87.50

When I set out this time to cloth diaper, someone tipped me off to the BumGenius All-in-Ones. Since my husband is still somewhat skeptical about cloth diapering, I love that they work exactly like disposable diapers. The more I learned about them, the more I knew they would be the diapers for us. I firmly believe that chatting about these types of things with friends opens doors and in this case it definitely did. One of my mommy friends found a great deal on a local cloth diaper swap Facebook page and asked if I wanted to split the stash with her. Even better, they were the BumGenius Elemental All-in-Ones, the organic version of the All-in-One diapers I had decided upon. With that deal, I purchased 11 BumGenius Elemental All-in-One diapers for $87.50.

Estimated retail on (1) BumGenius Elemental All-in-One diaper: $24.99

Approximate price I paid per diaper: $8

 

6 Thirsties Duo Wraps for $81.00

I went to my local baby store to chat with the gal about cloth diapers. She tipped me off that the regular size BumGenius All-in-One diapers (as well as the Elementals) are not ideal for the newborn days. I asked her what she recommended and she said that she really liked using the prefold diapers with the Thirsties Duo Wraps. I was excited about this because we used Gerber prefold diapers with our first 3 boys as burp cloths. I have an entire bin of them. The gal at the baby store said that 6 Thirsties Duo Wraps would be enough to get started cloth diapering in the newborn days, which is what I went with. I did not buy any more prefold diapers because we have so many hand-me-downs.
Price I paid per diaper: $13.50

 

2 Planet Wise Pail Liners for $36.00

One of the most convenient aspects of cloth diapering is the wet bag. I love the idea of throwing it all in my washer instead of sorting through soaking buckets. Since Im setting up a diaper changing station for easier cloth diapering at home, I decided to go with 2 Planet Wise Pail Liners, one to use while the other is being washed.
Price I paid per pail liner: $18.00

 

1 medium Planet Wise Wet Bag for $17.00

The gal at the baby store told me that she uses just one wet bag for on the go. She said that when she gets home, shell often just dump the contents of her wet bag into her diaper pail instead of having to wash it every time. So, to start with, I only bought 1 medium Planet Wise Wet Bag to use on the go.

 

1 Planet Wise Wipe Pouch for $11.00

Well, I bought an adorable wet bag with a monster design on it... Then I saw the adorable matching wipe holder. And I knew I had to get that to. This was my only frivolous cloth diaper purchase. Yes, I could do without it. Yes, it is super cute.

 

1 6-pack of Thirsties Fab Reusable Baby Wipes for $13.00

For wipes, most of my friends make their own cloth wipes by cutting up old receiving blankets and the like. I also plan on doing this, but I did decide to buy a pack of Thirsties Fab Reusable Baby Wipes just to help get me started. That way, at least, I have "nice wipes" to try and I can always buy more if I just absolutely love them over the ones I make myself. I did remember the diaper budget and so I only bought 1 pack of wipes. ;)

 

4 bottles of BabyGanics Loads of Love detergent, unscented, for $33.98

One thing Ive been told about cloth diapers is that you need to be careful what you wash them in. I make my own detergent (read my blog post "Homemade Household Cleaners") and it has Borax in it. When I was talking to the gal at the baby store, she recommended using a detergent without Borax. Her store carries the Rockin Green Classic Rock Motley Clean detergent for around $20.00 a bag. I was planning on buying a bag to try out. However, when I was at BabiesRUs, they had the BabyGanics Loads of Love detergent at buy one get one free, $13.99 for 2. I couldnt pass up the deal and so I bought 4 bottles of it. Well see how I like it. Ive heard really good things about the Rockin Green detergent, so I can always fall back on that if the BabyGanics detergent doesnt work as well as I would like it to.

 

The total cost for all of this is $290.54.

According to the chart on Aware Beginnings Doula Services, you will need 8-10 diapers between the ages of 6-12 months, if you wash daily, with that number going down further after 12 months; I have 11 All-in-One diapers. For the newborn days, the Thirsties Duo Wraps are a diaper cover with the actual diaper being the prefold, which I have a surplus of. The gal at my baby store said the Thirsties do not need to be washed every time, but on an as needed basis. Going off of this chart, the diaper supply I have built up at just under $300 could last me until toddlerhood!

Talking to my friends who have started cloth diapering and who have been cloth diapering for a long time (second and third children in cloth diapers), I know that there will be additional expenses along the way. For instance, when we are moving, we will have to figure out the cloth diaper situation. We still have to install a diaper sprayer in the bathroom we plan on setting up our changing station; running between $40-$60 new, I plan on having my husband build one himself (check out this blog post: "DIY Tutorial: Make Your Own Diaper Sprayer"). We will probably end up buying more BumGenius All-in-Ones. But what Im most pleased about is that this is a great start. There is no rush to go buy anything else.

These are the diapers we bought for our children in the past:

Pampers Swaddlers Newborn Size: 88 count at $19.95 with Amazon Subscribe and Save
$0.22 a diaper

Pampers Swaddlers Size 1: 148 count at $25.99 with Amazon Subscribe and Save
$0.17 a diaper

Pampers Swaddlers Size 2: 132 count at $25.99 with Amazon Subscribe and Save
$0.19 a diaper

Pampers Baby Dry Size 2: 160 count at $31.99 with Amazon Subscribe and Save
$0.19 a diaper

Pampers Baby Dry Size 3: 180 count at $27.68 with Amazon Subscribe and Save
$0.15 a diaper

Pampers Baby Dry Size 4: 180 count at $36.79 with Amazon Subscribe and Save
$0.20 a diaper

Pampers Baby Dry Size 5: 160 count at $37.75 with Amazon Subscribe and Save
$0.23 a diaper

Pampers Cruisers Size 3: 174 count at $36.70 with Amazon Subscribe and Save
$0.21 a diaper

Pampers Cruisers Size 4: 136 count at $36.26 with Amazon Subscribe and Save
$0.26 a diaper

Pampers Cruisers Size 5: 96 count at $28.46 with Amazon Subscribe and Save
$0.29 a diaper

Target Brand Diapers (Up & Up) Size 5: 138 count at $28.99
$0.21 a diaper

With our oldest, we used Pampers Swaddlers from newborn size up to size 2, then we switched Pampers Cruisers (the Baby Dry diapers made him rash).

With our twins, we used Pampers Swaddlers from newborn to size 2, then we switched to Pampers Baby Dry before eventually switching to Target Brand. When we could, we bought biodegradable diapers, but, for the most part, we used Pampers.

For wipes:

Pampers Sensitive Wipes: 448 count at $8.78 with Amazon Subscribe and Save
$0.019 a wipe

The chart from Aware Beginnings Doula Services says you will change 10-12 diapers a day up to 6 months of age. Using their statistics and the prices of the diapers I bought for our kids in the past, here is the estimated cost of diapering one child for the first 4 months, about the time my girlfriends have been switching from Thirsties to All-in-Ones:

 

10 diapers a day x 28 days = 280 diapers / 88 diapers in Newborn Swaddlers = 3.18 boxes of diapers

 

4 boxes of Pampers Newborn Swaddlers = $79.80

 

+ 1 box of Pampers Sensitive Wipes = $88.58 for the first month of diapering

 

10 diapers a day x 28 days = 280 diapers / 148 diapers in Swaddlers Size 1 = 1.89 boxes of diapers

 

2 boxes of Pampers Size 1 Swaddlers = $51.98

 

+ 1 box of Pampers Sensitive Wipes = $60.78 for the second month

 

10 diapers a day x 28 days = 280 diapers / 132 diapers in Swaddlers Size 2 = 2.12 boxes of diapers

 

3 boxes of Pampers Size 2 Swaddlers = $77.97

 

+ 1 box of Pampers Sensitive Wipes = $86.75 for the third month

 

10 diapers a day x 28 days = 280 diapers / 160 Size 2 Baby Dry = 1.75 boxes of diapers

 

2 boxes of Pampers Baby Dry Size 2 diapers = $63.96

 

+ 1 box of Pampers Sensitive Wipes = $72.74 for the fourth month

 

For four months of conservative disposable diapering, the total cost of diapers and wipes is $300.07

Buying all of the supplies to cloth diaper cost me $290.54 and that number includes diapering from newborn to toddlerhood.

 

The $300.07 does not include Diaper Genie Refills, which we also use, and it also gave a conservative estimate on wipes. Some months we used a lot of wipes and some months not as much. We did use roughly a box a month.

 

I do also want to note that when you look at the price of the links I have for cloth diapering, most of the numbers on Amazon are slightly lower than the prices I listed from my local baby store, usually by about a $1 or $2. Shopping online is so convenient as a stay-at-home mom and I do it often. However, I love to support local businesses when I can (usually used book stores). Local baby stores are a great way to save money on items like these because most of them offer a customer loyalty program. When we bought our Baby Jogger City Select, that is how we saved money buying all of the accessories. That is why I made the choice to shop at a local store versus buying everything off of Amazon.
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It seems a lot of people avoid the commissaries for any number of reasons or are in support of them for the "lower enlisted." Personally, I think commissaries are full of savings that benefit all ranks, especially our family of five (soon to be six). I also think that shopping at the commissary and thus supporting it with my dollars is a way to ensure continued commissary benefits both for my family and for other military families, especially the OCONUS locations where the commissary benefits are crucial. Some of the complaints against the commissary, I believe, are made without an understanding as to how the commissary operates and is funded. I hope this blog post sheds some light on why you should shop at the commissary and how to get around the somewhat inconvenient aspects of commissary shopping, such as limited hours and tipping.

Commissaries are a non-profit organization ran by the Defense Commissary Agency (DeCA). From the DeCA website:

Although commissaries collectively realize sales of about $5 billion per year, there is no profit generated on these sales. By law, commissaries are required to sell goods at prices that are set at a level to recover the cost of goods, with no profit built into these prices. There are also very stringent legal controls on the ways that DeCA can use taxpayer monies that Congress provides to operate commissaries.

Commissaries run on appropriated funding, meaning tax payers support the commissaries and funding is regularly voted on. Remember during the sequester when all the commissaries shutdown? This was due to the fact that commissaries operate on appropriated funding (read my blog post, "Government shutdown," and Military.coms 2013 article, "Commissary Cuts Remain Likely"), unlike exchanges which operate on non-appropriated funding. The prices at the commissary also reflect a 5% surcharge on each purchase. Question and answer on the DeCA webpage, "why does DeCA make me pay a surcharge on my commissary purchase?"

Surcharge is applied to the total value of each commissary purchase because the Congress has mandated collection of surcharge (currently 5 percent) to pay for commissary construction, equipment and maintenance. All surcharge dollars collected are returned to commissary patrons in the form of continually improved commissary facilities. The amount of surcharge applied to a commissary sale transaction is shown as "SCG" on your sales receipt.

What exactly does this surcharge pay for? From the DeCA Working Capital Fund Fiscal Year 2000/2001 Biennial Budget Estimates Operating Budget, page 2:

Surcharge Collections represents a third major source for funding commissary operations. Surcharge Collections is a trust fund primarily funded by a five percent surcharge applied to patron sales at the check-out counter. This fund was established so authorized patrons share responsibility for overall costs of commissary operations, including commissary supplies, equipment, utilities at CONUS locations, information management equipment and support, and commissary construction program. This fund also receives revenue from prompt payment discounts, the sale of used cardboard and equipment, and services provided to others.

Page 3 of the same report outlines the differences between CONUS and OCONUS commissary locations and the absolute importance of OCONUS locations to military families:

OCONUS and remote locations cost more per dollar of sales than CONUS locations, using about 45 percent of available appropriated fund support to produce 22 percent of sales. These commissaries are more expensive because operating and support costs in foreign and remote locations are higher. Many locations service small-to-medium military populations with smaller sales and higher fixed costs. Additionally, there are significant support costs incurred in providing U.S. food products and household items to overseas locations, e.g., transportation of $156 million in FY 2000.

...In spite of these cost considerations, commissary operations overseas are efficient and effective because DeCA’s infrastructure provides economies that are not achievable by other alternatives. The commissary system is also instrumental in reducing cost of living allowances (COLA) overseas by providing low-cost groceries.

The commissary system is critical in supporting military members and their families overseas. This military population does not have adequate alternative shopping available. OCONUS commissaries are more than a place for acquiring groceries. They are an essential "life-line" of the overseas military community and their quality of life.

 The general rule of thumb is that shopping at the commissary will save you on average 30% than what you would pay at an average grocery store. The commissary also is very coupon friendly. Overseas commissaries even accept manufacturer coupons 6 months past their expiration date. For the complete coupon policy at the commissary, check out this link: "Coupon Use in Commissaries." One difference between couponing at the commissary and couponing at an average grocery store is that commissaries do not have loss leaders (check out the Crazy Coupon Ladys post "Whats a Loss Leader and How Do I Find One at my Supermarket?"). The DeCA website explains why the commissary does not offer loss leaders: "Because commissaries are required by law to sell items at cost-- neither higher nor lower– we cant offer loss leaders." The commissary also changes its flier on a different schedule than average grocery stores, according to their website:

Stateside commissaries change prices twice a month, as opposed to the private sector, where prices are changed weekly or more frequently. Commissary prices are changed on the 1st and 16th of each month and are usually in effect for 30 to 45 days. These price changes are generally about a 50-50 mix, with some prices being lowered as items go on a special promotion or sale and some raised as items come off a special promotion or sale. 

 Even without loss leaders, the commissary website claims:

However, although you may find selected items at lower prices in commercial stores, our price surveys provide convincing evidence that-if you shop regularly in a commissary for all or virtually all of your grocery needs--you will save 30 percent or more on your grocery bill versus what you would pay in a commercial store for the same array of items.

The National Military Associations article, "Protecting Our Commissary Savings," states:

A military family of four saves $4,500 a year when regularly using the commissary. Multiply that average savings by the number of military families who use the commissary and you see how effectively and efficiently the $1.4 billion [appropriated funding] is used.

In the About.com USMilitary "What the Recruiter Never Told You" Part 13 Military Commissaries and Exchanges article by Rod Powers, he compares commissary prices with WalMart Super Store prices:

In preparation for this article, I visited a local Wal Mart "Super Store," and bought $103.57 worth of groceries. I then made a list of the items I bought and traveled to Patrick AFB... At the commissary there, I priced the exact same items. According to DeCA, my commissary bill should have been around $70.00. Had I actually purchased the items, my bill would have been $85.52. Tack on the 5 percent surcharge, and it would have been $89.79. I wont count the baggers tip, as Commissary baggers not only bag your groceries but take them outside and load them into your car. Thats worth every penny of the tip, in my opinion. My total discount would have been 13.3 percent.

Tipping at the commissary is subjective. I typically do not carry cash. However, when checking out at the commissary, I can request specific dollar amounts of cash back when paying with my debit card. The last time I went to the commissary I requested $10 cash back in the form of one $5 and five $1. The baggers at the commissary work entirely off of tips and are not government or commissary employees. I generally put $1-$2 in the jar if I do not have the baggers take my groceries to the car and about $5 for a normal grocery load if they do. $2-$5 is generally considered acceptable when tipping at the commissary. Often times I tip more over holidays or when I have an exceptionally large or cumbersome load. Using the self-checkout at the commissary does not require tipping.
 
According to the DeCA Working Capital Fund Fiscal Year 2000/2001 Biennial Budget Estimates Operating Budget, page 3, "Commissary operating hours and days are determined by sales, patron demographics, and local installation needs. Due to funding limitations, commissaries are open an average of 48 hours a week." The same report estimates on page 22 that an average grocery store is open roughly 117 hours a week, just to compare the differences between commissary hours and average grocery store hours. While the commissary often has limited hours, they generally open their doors a half hour before the cash registers are open. This is very convenient for me when shopping with the kids. I can do my shopping when the commissary is still relatively empty and get to the cash registers right when they open, making for a speedy check out. Even so, the limited shopping hours are often inconvenient for my family. The commissary opens later than most other area grocery stores. On weekends when we are making big pancake breakfasts and run out of an ingredient, it is often before the commissary is open. Or when my hubby calls on his way home from school and I want him to swing by the commissary for something, it is often when the commissary is closing or right before, forcing him to use a different grocery store. And just like the Chick-Fil-A law (anyone else only crave Chick-Fil-A on Sundays?), we inevitably need something from the commissary on the day it is closed.
 
The previous quote from the DeCA Working Capital Fund Fiscal Year 2000/2001 Biennial Budget Estimates Operating Budget
brings up a very valid point: "Commissary operating hours and days are determined by sales, patron demographics, and local installation needs." This is where the responsibility falls on us, the commissary shoppers. If we arent shopping at our local commissaries, the hours will continue to get cut and commissaries will continue to close. While the commissary is not the vital lifeline for us here in South Carolina as it was for us in Hawaii, shopping at CONUS locations helps keeps OCONUS locations afloat, balancing out the commissaries non-profit budget. How important are these commissary locations to military families? This article on Hawaii News Now, "Milk Prices in Hawaii Go Up" by Beth Hillyer, outlines the prices of milk in Hawaii, "The highest price we found on Oahu for a gallon of whole milk was $8.99 on sale for $7.49 if you have a value card. The cheapest was Costco for $4.99 per gallon." This article obviously doesnt include commissary prices on milk, but you can see how shopping at an average grocery store in Hawaii for the basics starts adding up!

So where do I stand on commissary prices? Do I think that they are always much less than shopping out in town? Here in South Carolina, no. For the bulk of our family shopping, we go to Costco (read my post, "Family diet verses family budget"). In general, Costco has lower prices on more of the staples of our family grocery list than my local commissary. Do I think the commissary in general has lower prices than an average grocery store here in South Carolina? Yes, especially when loss leaders are not on our list and we are just getting those in-between Costco trips items or small portions of things we couldnt buy at Costco (fresh herbs, for instance). Do I think that dealing with the "hassle" of the commissary is worth supporting this service to military families? Absolutely.
 
Here are a list of common complaints against the commissary-- many of which are my own complaints when compared to an average grocery store-- and how I deal with them to continue to support this service:

 1. They do not offer online grocery shopping.
I love online grocery shopping, as Ive mentioned in several previous blog posts. Where we live in South Carolina, there are no local grocery stores convenient that offer online grocery shopping, so this really isnt much of an issue for me. If I had to choose between shopping at the commissary or placing an order online with Harris Teeter... I think it would be a much harder choice for me. As is, I have the choice to either go in to a local grocery store or to go into our commissary. I usually choose the commissary, unless it is closed or pay day.
 
2. Their check out system is ridiculous.
Well, I agree. I do not like the big ole one line system. My friends without kids tell me it moves fast. Standing in that one line with all three of my kids is about as much fun as taking the boys with me to the clinic on base (which I also do). Since our boys are so young (5-years old and 3-years old), I solve this by going early in the day, arriving when they open the door, about half hour before the registers open. Ive even taken them all on pay day-- totally unintentionally. I get our shopping done and am either the first or second person in line. When I only have one or two items I need, arriving early works great too because I can be first in line for self-check out and we really are in and out.
 
3. You have to tip the baggers.
Maybe Im frivolous, but this doesnt really bother me. I never have cash, so Im always glad I can request cash back when I check out. I generally dont like the baggers coming out to the car with me. The mini van is impossible to load groceries in with the stroller in the back and our toddlers are always a hot mess to load up. Most of the time, I have them load my groceries back into my shopping cart and put a tip in their jar. The $1-$5 doesnt feel like a big deal and the times I take my hubbys car without the kids, I like having my groceries loaded up for me.

4. The commissary is so... dark.
Yeah, it isnt bright and fancy like Harris Teeter or Whole Foods. But neither is Costco. It may not have the upscale look, but it does the job. This is our fourth duty station; weve shopped at all different types of grocery stores across the country. The commissary just really doesnt bother me.

And here are some links to help with your commissary shopping:

 

The blog "Commissary Deals" teaches you not only how to coupon at the commissary, but tips you off to current deals! Learn the commissarys coupon policy, how to navigate commissary sales, and how to make the most of case lot sales. New to couponing? Check out the Getting Started: Learn to Coupon tab. This website is seriously a treasure trove of useful links (check out the Categories and Topics menu on the right hand side of the page!).

 

SpouseBuzzs blog post, "Price Expert: Commissary vs WalMart"

 

Military.coms article, "Study Confirms 30% Savings at Commissaries"

 

InCharges article by Ellie Kay, "Go Crazy for Coupons! Commissary Shopping Tips"

 

Note: Ive mentioned it before, but I am not a couponer. I know many people coupon which is why I provided the links for couponing at the commissary. I save money when doing our family grocery shopping by sticking to our list and minimizing our trips to the store. :)

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I suppose every mommy blogger at some point has to write a post on yelling. Is it possible to raise kids without yelling? Im throwing this out there: no.

I know that there is someone reading this right now with a look of indignation on their face, "What?! I would never yell at my kids!" Good for you.

Now before I get lots of mommy judging, we really put forth an effort to not be a yelling family. My husband is just naturally gifted at not yelling. His even temper is one of the things I love most about him. It genuinely takes a lot for him to lose his cool, so much so that in our seven and a half years of marriage I can count the number of times that I have heard him raise his voice at me. I mean, we are talking about a very mellow guy. Me? Yeah... I am a lot like that. Except opposite. I would describe myself as a passionate person, which is why my husband and I work well together. I bring the passion; he brings the logic.

Frustrated or angry feelings toward our children demand a different form of communication though. (Not saying I just yell at my husband, but he at least can rationalize and understand when I do. Read my blog post on "Marriage.") They arent my peers. Their brains dont work how my brain works; they truly dont think how I do. Half the time, they dont fully understand what it is that they have done wrong or what has irritated/upset me so much. Even worse, sometimes they havent even done anything wrong. They are just being toddlers-- while frustrating, totally age appropriate. (Read Hands Free Mamas blog post, "The Important Thing About Yelling.") Simply put, yelling at them isnt fair in those situations, nor does it actually get through to them. I can actually see the point when they have totally checked out of my message and they are just wondering when Mommy is going to stop being mad at them.

But is yelling always wrong? No, I honestly dont think so. I feel that there are very appropriate times for yelling, especially when you dont yell all the time. When all my boys are screaming over each other, one darting off with a toy he stole from his brother and the other chasing after screeching at full volume while the last is hollering it is his turn... I can try at that moment (and I do try) to get their attention. Sometimes I am able to get the attention of the bandit, but not always, especially now in my third trimester. I cant chase a child, nor do I feel that as the mother it teaches them to listen when I chase after them. So I either yell, "STOP!" or the name of the child absconding with the goods. I dont keep yelling. Im yelling to get their attention. Once I have their attention, I speak to them. Other times I feel yelling is appropriate in some danger situations, not all. If the child is teetering towards, say, an open flame, yelling could startle the child into falling in. When our boys are rough housing as we unload the van and no one is listening to my instructions to calm down and hold hands, yes, yelling is appropriate, "STOP NOW!" Once I have their attention, I can get them to follow instructions and we can safely cross the parking lot.

I try to stick to three rules when yelling at our kids: 1. Yelling to get their attention and 2. Dont yell in anger and 3. Dont yell when it is not getting through. The first rule is what I just described, yelling a childs name or a command, "Stop!" "Wait!" "No, sir!" And, as I said, once I have their attention I speak to them. Continuing to yell completely loses the message. They are not going to listen to a long tirade. Im not saying I dont use the "Mommy No-Nonsense Voice." I most definitely do. If the boys are pushing their boundaries and I need to get their attention and reprimand them, Im not using the same voice I use when suggesting we all head over for a picnic at the park. No, they are hearing the voice of, "If you do not stop, we are leaving." But that is not yelling. Different tones help convey different messages and let them know where their behavior is falling. Getting their attention doesnt always mean a reprimand. It can mean a loud, "HEY! You guys need to follow me to the back porch like gentlemen and we can all have freeze pops." It all depends on the circumstance.

The second rule is pretty easy to understand. Dont yell in anger. This is where you can get into trouble yelling. Again, Ive most definitely yelled at my children in anger. Ive yelled out of frustration. "WHY CANT WE USE LISTENING EARS TODAY? IS THAT SO HARD?" It happens. We all get upset sometimes. We all sometimes say things we didnt mean to say in a tone we didnt mean to say it in. After losing my temper one day I called my mom. She wisely told me that it is bound to happen when you spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with someone. The most important thing to do after losing your temper is to own up to it and apologize. "I am sorry for yelling at you earlier. I did not handle that well and I am sorry. Will you please forgive me?" When I do yell at our kids this way, which I do not do often, I make sure that I never put the blame on them. "I am sorry for yelling at you when you spilled my sweet tea. Next time you should be more careful so I dont lose my temper like that." It is never our kids fault when I lose my cool. I did not yell because our child did something-- I yelled because I lost control of my temper. I love watching 19 Kids and Counting on TLC. I am always impressed with how Michelle Duggar handles their household. On her blog post, "Michelle Speaks About Motherhood," she is asked by Melissa at MOPS, "How did you learn to speak to your children softly, even when you are angry?" One of the things I love about Michelle Duggar is that she is always honest, so of course she answers honestly:

I haven’t mastered this one yet. Just the other day, several of my boys made a mess in the living room. It was just normal kid stuff, but I got angry and overreacted to the mess. But I feel that by God’s grace, he is giving me some success over yelling. There are times I have to whisper to myself, “I’m not going to lose it. I am going to stay calm.” 

On my page tab, "How do you do it?" I have the verse: ??Psalm 121:1-3, "I lift my eyes to the hills-- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip-- he who watches over you will not slumber." I too depend on Gods grace.

The third rule trumps the other two rules. If we are out at the park and I keep having to yell at the boys, "Stop!" "Wait!" "Hold on!" It is time to go. If my instructions are not getting through and they are immediately disregarding what Im saying to them, it is time for a complete change of activity. If we are at home and Im trying to get ready and the boys are all ignoring the house rule of "no rough housing in the family room," I will probably holler from my bedroom, "Boys! Calm down!" That usually will get them to stop. If I have to holler again, I come out and calmly issue a warning, "You guys either need to sit and watch your show or go play in the playroom." The third time I come out, I turn off the television and tell them it is time to go play somewhere else. Sometimes they will happily go play in the playroom or back porch and I can finish getting ready. Sometimes they just move from being way too rough in the family room to being way too rough in the playroom or back porch and Im constantly interrupted (and thus unable to finish getting ready) by tears and arguments. This is when I know that Im not getting through to them and they need to go sit on their beds. This is definitely a time where I start feeling frustrated. I feel like Im giving them great options-- watching shows, playing in the playroom, splashing in the water table on our back porch-- and instead they want to fuss and fight and yell and scream. It is frustrating. Its been really important for me to figure out a solution that doesnt upset me because when I am interrupted every thirty seconds by yet another fight, it gets exhausting. That is why I have them sit on their beds in their own space and I can take the 10 minutes I need to pray, refocus, get ready, and face the day still fresh without feeling like we got off on the wrong foot (which, as every mom knows, has a tendency to affect the outcome of the rest of the day). This third rule also helps when I break the second rule. If I feel myself getting frustrated and raising my voice too much, it really helps to remind myself that this is not getting through to them. All I am doing is yelling to hear my own voice, let out my frustration. It is time for a different plan of action that is less frustrating for everyone. If I am feeling frustrated by how they are behaving, they are probably feeling frustrated with our current activity. If a free-for-all in the playroom is making them fuss and fight, they are probably needing something more structured. If our outside play time is dissolving in tears and toy battles, it is probably time to switch activities. Getting angry and yelling at them will not make them get along better if they themselves are done participating in our current activity.

For me, my biggest obstacle is feeling frustrated, especially lately. Weve really been focusing on our household rules now that we are rapidly approaching the arrival of baby #4. We dont want baby #4 to arrive on the scene with a bundle of new rules that suddenly all his siblings have to follow. Some of the rules have been our rules for all time-- such as no rough housing in the family room-- but are harder for the boys to follow now that they are 5-years old and 3-years old (the couch is more fun when all the pillows are on the floor and you are jumping on them...). Some of the other rules are new but will be sanity savers when baby #4 arrives, such as playing quietly in their room until a certain time each morning. Feelings of frustration are normal in parenthood. It is hard not to feel frustrated when you get every one out of the house for a fun day at the park and all your toddlers want to do is cling and whine. It is hard not to feel frustrated when Daddy gets home from a long, tiring day at work to walk into a house of screaming, fighting children who are whining that they arent tired. It is very hard not to feel frustrated when I really need to rest my almost 32-weeks pregnant self and the boys are screeching for help in the restroom or battling to the death over a toy in the playroom; it is hard not to feel like, "Dont I ever get a break?"

Times like that are when I turn to God. It sounds cliché, but I remind myself of the verses on love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

I cant create that type of love on my own; that kind of love comes from God. Knowing that this is the love that he puts in my heart to share with my children is how I humble myself to stop when I realize how Im behaving is wrong. Would love feel this angry over a lost Croc? Would love continue to yell at 3-year olds who were being more curious than naughty? Would love remind our 5-year old how he failed earlier that day? No, when I think of these verses, I am reminded that when our boys are feeling frustrated with each other and fussing and whining, sometimes they just need a hug. When I am having a day where I just really feel frustrated and short-tempered, love is what motivates me to talk about it with my girlfriends because it really helps to have someone pray for me, offer sweet words, or simply relate. Im far, far, far from perfect, but I love, love, love these children that we have been blessed with and I hope and pray that every day we show them how big Gods love is.

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