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It seems a lot of people avoid the commissaries for any number of reasons or are in support of them for the "lower enlisted." Personally, I think commissaries are full of savings that benefit all ranks, especially our family of five (soon to be six). I also think that shopping at the commissary and thus supporting it with my dollars is a way to ensure continued commissary benefits both for my family and for other military families, especially the OCONUS locations where the commissary benefits are crucial. Some of the complaints against the commissary, I believe, are made without an understanding as to how the commissary operates and is funded. I hope this blog post sheds some light on why you should shop at the commissary and how to get around the somewhat inconvenient aspects of commissary shopping, such as limited hours and tipping.

Commissaries are a non-profit organization ran by the Defense Commissary Agency (DeCA). From the DeCA website:

Although commissaries collectively realize sales of about $5 billion per year, there is no profit generated on these sales. By law, commissaries are required to sell goods at prices that are set at a level to recover the cost of goods, with no profit built into these prices. There are also very stringent legal controls on the ways that DeCA can use taxpayer monies that Congress provides to operate commissaries.

Commissaries run on appropriated funding, meaning tax payers support the commissaries and funding is regularly voted on. Remember during the sequester when all the commissaries shutdown? This was due to the fact that commissaries operate on appropriated funding (read my blog post, "Government shutdown," and Military.coms 2013 article, "Commissary Cuts Remain Likely"), unlike exchanges which operate on non-appropriated funding. The prices at the commissary also reflect a 5% surcharge on each purchase. Question and answer on the DeCA webpage, "why does DeCA make me pay a surcharge on my commissary purchase?"

Surcharge is applied to the total value of each commissary purchase because the Congress has mandated collection of surcharge (currently 5 percent) to pay for commissary construction, equipment and maintenance. All surcharge dollars collected are returned to commissary patrons in the form of continually improved commissary facilities. The amount of surcharge applied to a commissary sale transaction is shown as "SCG" on your sales receipt.

What exactly does this surcharge pay for? From the DeCA Working Capital Fund Fiscal Year 2000/2001 Biennial Budget Estimates Operating Budget, page 2:

Surcharge Collections represents a third major source for funding commissary operations. Surcharge Collections is a trust fund primarily funded by a five percent surcharge applied to patron sales at the check-out counter. This fund was established so authorized patrons share responsibility for overall costs of commissary operations, including commissary supplies, equipment, utilities at CONUS locations, information management equipment and support, and commissary construction program. This fund also receives revenue from prompt payment discounts, the sale of used cardboard and equipment, and services provided to others.

Page 3 of the same report outlines the differences between CONUS and OCONUS commissary locations and the absolute importance of OCONUS locations to military families:

OCONUS and remote locations cost more per dollar of sales than CONUS locations, using about 45 percent of available appropriated fund support to produce 22 percent of sales. These commissaries are more expensive because operating and support costs in foreign and remote locations are higher. Many locations service small-to-medium military populations with smaller sales and higher fixed costs. Additionally, there are significant support costs incurred in providing U.S. food products and household items to overseas locations, e.g., transportation of $156 million in FY 2000.

...In spite of these cost considerations, commissary operations overseas are efficient and effective because DeCA’s infrastructure provides economies that are not achievable by other alternatives. The commissary system is also instrumental in reducing cost of living allowances (COLA) overseas by providing low-cost groceries.

The commissary system is critical in supporting military members and their families overseas. This military population does not have adequate alternative shopping available. OCONUS commissaries are more than a place for acquiring groceries. They are an essential "life-line" of the overseas military community and their quality of life.

 The general rule of thumb is that shopping at the commissary will save you on average 30% than what you would pay at an average grocery store. The commissary also is very coupon friendly. Overseas commissaries even accept manufacturer coupons 6 months past their expiration date. For the complete coupon policy at the commissary, check out this link: "Coupon Use in Commissaries." One difference between couponing at the commissary and couponing at an average grocery store is that commissaries do not have loss leaders (check out the Crazy Coupon Ladys post "Whats a Loss Leader and How Do I Find One at my Supermarket?"). The DeCA website explains why the commissary does not offer loss leaders: "Because commissaries are required by law to sell items at cost-- neither higher nor lower– we cant offer loss leaders." The commissary also changes its flier on a different schedule than average grocery stores, according to their website:

Stateside commissaries change prices twice a month, as opposed to the private sector, where prices are changed weekly or more frequently. Commissary prices are changed on the 1st and 16th of each month and are usually in effect for 30 to 45 days. These price changes are generally about a 50-50 mix, with some prices being lowered as items go on a special promotion or sale and some raised as items come off a special promotion or sale. 

 Even without loss leaders, the commissary website claims:

However, although you may find selected items at lower prices in commercial stores, our price surveys provide convincing evidence that-if you shop regularly in a commissary for all or virtually all of your grocery needs--you will save 30 percent or more on your grocery bill versus what you would pay in a commercial store for the same array of items.

The National Military Associations article, "Protecting Our Commissary Savings," states:

A military family of four saves $4,500 a year when regularly using the commissary. Multiply that average savings by the number of military families who use the commissary and you see how effectively and efficiently the $1.4 billion [appropriated funding] is used.

In the About.com USMilitary "What the Recruiter Never Told You" Part 13 Military Commissaries and Exchanges article by Rod Powers, he compares commissary prices with WalMart Super Store prices:

In preparation for this article, I visited a local Wal Mart "Super Store," and bought $103.57 worth of groceries. I then made a list of the items I bought and traveled to Patrick AFB... At the commissary there, I priced the exact same items. According to DeCA, my commissary bill should have been around $70.00. Had I actually purchased the items, my bill would have been $85.52. Tack on the 5 percent surcharge, and it would have been $89.79. I wont count the baggers tip, as Commissary baggers not only bag your groceries but take them outside and load them into your car. Thats worth every penny of the tip, in my opinion. My total discount would have been 13.3 percent.

Tipping at the commissary is subjective. I typically do not carry cash. However, when checking out at the commissary, I can request specific dollar amounts of cash back when paying with my debit card. The last time I went to the commissary I requested $10 cash back in the form of one $5 and five $1. The baggers at the commissary work entirely off of tips and are not government or commissary employees. I generally put $1-$2 in the jar if I do not have the baggers take my groceries to the car and about $5 for a normal grocery load if they do. $2-$5 is generally considered acceptable when tipping at the commissary. Often times I tip more over holidays or when I have an exceptionally large or cumbersome load. Using the self-checkout at the commissary does not require tipping.
 
According to the DeCA Working Capital Fund Fiscal Year 2000/2001 Biennial Budget Estimates Operating Budget, page 3, "Commissary operating hours and days are determined by sales, patron demographics, and local installation needs. Due to funding limitations, commissaries are open an average of 48 hours a week." The same report estimates on page 22 that an average grocery store is open roughly 117 hours a week, just to compare the differences between commissary hours and average grocery store hours. While the commissary often has limited hours, they generally open their doors a half hour before the cash registers are open. This is very convenient for me when shopping with the kids. I can do my shopping when the commissary is still relatively empty and get to the cash registers right when they open, making for a speedy check out. Even so, the limited shopping hours are often inconvenient for my family. The commissary opens later than most other area grocery stores. On weekends when we are making big pancake breakfasts and run out of an ingredient, it is often before the commissary is open. Or when my hubby calls on his way home from school and I want him to swing by the commissary for something, it is often when the commissary is closing or right before, forcing him to use a different grocery store. And just like the Chick-Fil-A law (anyone else only crave Chick-Fil-A on Sundays?), we inevitably need something from the commissary on the day it is closed.
 
The previous quote from the DeCA Working Capital Fund Fiscal Year 2000/2001 Biennial Budget Estimates Operating Budget
brings up a very valid point: "Commissary operating hours and days are determined by sales, patron demographics, and local installation needs." This is where the responsibility falls on us, the commissary shoppers. If we arent shopping at our local commissaries, the hours will continue to get cut and commissaries will continue to close. While the commissary is not the vital lifeline for us here in South Carolina as it was for us in Hawaii, shopping at CONUS locations helps keeps OCONUS locations afloat, balancing out the commissaries non-profit budget. How important are these commissary locations to military families? This article on Hawaii News Now, "Milk Prices in Hawaii Go Up" by Beth Hillyer, outlines the prices of milk in Hawaii, "The highest price we found on Oahu for a gallon of whole milk was $8.99 on sale for $7.49 if you have a value card. The cheapest was Costco for $4.99 per gallon." This article obviously doesnt include commissary prices on milk, but you can see how shopping at an average grocery store in Hawaii for the basics starts adding up!

So where do I stand on commissary prices? Do I think that they are always much less than shopping out in town? Here in South Carolina, no. For the bulk of our family shopping, we go to Costco (read my post, "Family diet verses family budget"). In general, Costco has lower prices on more of the staples of our family grocery list than my local commissary. Do I think the commissary in general has lower prices than an average grocery store here in South Carolina? Yes, especially when loss leaders are not on our list and we are just getting those in-between Costco trips items or small portions of things we couldnt buy at Costco (fresh herbs, for instance). Do I think that dealing with the "hassle" of the commissary is worth supporting this service to military families? Absolutely.
 
Here are a list of common complaints against the commissary-- many of which are my own complaints when compared to an average grocery store-- and how I deal with them to continue to support this service:

 1. They do not offer online grocery shopping.
I love online grocery shopping, as Ive mentioned in several previous blog posts. Where we live in South Carolina, there are no local grocery stores convenient that offer online grocery shopping, so this really isnt much of an issue for me. If I had to choose between shopping at the commissary or placing an order online with Harris Teeter... I think it would be a much harder choice for me. As is, I have the choice to either go in to a local grocery store or to go into our commissary. I usually choose the commissary, unless it is closed or pay day.
 
2. Their check out system is ridiculous.
Well, I agree. I do not like the big ole one line system. My friends without kids tell me it moves fast. Standing in that one line with all three of my kids is about as much fun as taking the boys with me to the clinic on base (which I also do). Since our boys are so young (5-years old and 3-years old), I solve this by going early in the day, arriving when they open the door, about half hour before the registers open. Ive even taken them all on pay day-- totally unintentionally. I get our shopping done and am either the first or second person in line. When I only have one or two items I need, arriving early works great too because I can be first in line for self-check out and we really are in and out.
 
3. You have to tip the baggers.
Maybe Im frivolous, but this doesnt really bother me. I never have cash, so Im always glad I can request cash back when I check out. I generally dont like the baggers coming out to the car with me. The mini van is impossible to load groceries in with the stroller in the back and our toddlers are always a hot mess to load up. Most of the time, I have them load my groceries back into my shopping cart and put a tip in their jar. The $1-$5 doesnt feel like a big deal and the times I take my hubbys car without the kids, I like having my groceries loaded up for me.

4. The commissary is so... dark.
Yeah, it isnt bright and fancy like Harris Teeter or Whole Foods. But neither is Costco. It may not have the upscale look, but it does the job. This is our fourth duty station; weve shopped at all different types of grocery stores across the country. The commissary just really doesnt bother me.

And here are some links to help with your commissary shopping:

 

The blog "Commissary Deals" teaches you not only how to coupon at the commissary, but tips you off to current deals! Learn the commissarys coupon policy, how to navigate commissary sales, and how to make the most of case lot sales. New to couponing? Check out the Getting Started: Learn to Coupon tab. This website is seriously a treasure trove of useful links (check out the Categories and Topics menu on the right hand side of the page!).

 

SpouseBuzzs blog post, "Price Expert: Commissary vs WalMart"

 

Military.coms article, "Study Confirms 30% Savings at Commissaries"

 

InCharges article by Ellie Kay, "Go Crazy for Coupons! Commissary Shopping Tips"

 

Note: Ive mentioned it before, but I am not a couponer. I know many people coupon which is why I provided the links for couponing at the commissary. I save money when doing our family grocery shopping by sticking to our list and minimizing our trips to the store. :)

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I suppose every mommy blogger at some point has to write a post on yelling. Is it possible to raise kids without yelling? Im throwing this out there: no.

I know that there is someone reading this right now with a look of indignation on their face, "What?! I would never yell at my kids!" Good for you.

Now before I get lots of mommy judging, we really put forth an effort to not be a yelling family. My husband is just naturally gifted at not yelling. His even temper is one of the things I love most about him. It genuinely takes a lot for him to lose his cool, so much so that in our seven and a half years of marriage I can count the number of times that I have heard him raise his voice at me. I mean, we are talking about a very mellow guy. Me? Yeah... I am a lot like that. Except opposite. I would describe myself as a passionate person, which is why my husband and I work well together. I bring the passion; he brings the logic.

Frustrated or angry feelings toward our children demand a different form of communication though. (Not saying I just yell at my husband, but he at least can rationalize and understand when I do. Read my blog post on "Marriage.") They arent my peers. Their brains dont work how my brain works; they truly dont think how I do. Half the time, they dont fully understand what it is that they have done wrong or what has irritated/upset me so much. Even worse, sometimes they havent even done anything wrong. They are just being toddlers-- while frustrating, totally age appropriate. (Read Hands Free Mamas blog post, "The Important Thing About Yelling.") Simply put, yelling at them isnt fair in those situations, nor does it actually get through to them. I can actually see the point when they have totally checked out of my message and they are just wondering when Mommy is going to stop being mad at them.

But is yelling always wrong? No, I honestly dont think so. I feel that there are very appropriate times for yelling, especially when you dont yell all the time. When all my boys are screaming over each other, one darting off with a toy he stole from his brother and the other chasing after screeching at full volume while the last is hollering it is his turn... I can try at that moment (and I do try) to get their attention. Sometimes I am able to get the attention of the bandit, but not always, especially now in my third trimester. I cant chase a child, nor do I feel that as the mother it teaches them to listen when I chase after them. So I either yell, "STOP!" or the name of the child absconding with the goods. I dont keep yelling. Im yelling to get their attention. Once I have their attention, I speak to them. Other times I feel yelling is appropriate in some danger situations, not all. If the child is teetering towards, say, an open flame, yelling could startle the child into falling in. When our boys are rough housing as we unload the van and no one is listening to my instructions to calm down and hold hands, yes, yelling is appropriate, "STOP NOW!" Once I have their attention, I can get them to follow instructions and we can safely cross the parking lot.

I try to stick to three rules when yelling at our kids: 1. Yelling to get their attention and 2. Dont yell in anger and 3. Dont yell when it is not getting through. The first rule is what I just described, yelling a childs name or a command, "Stop!" "Wait!" "No, sir!" And, as I said, once I have their attention I speak to them. Continuing to yell completely loses the message. They are not going to listen to a long tirade. Im not saying I dont use the "Mommy No-Nonsense Voice." I most definitely do. If the boys are pushing their boundaries and I need to get their attention and reprimand them, Im not using the same voice I use when suggesting we all head over for a picnic at the park. No, they are hearing the voice of, "If you do not stop, we are leaving." But that is not yelling. Different tones help convey different messages and let them know where their behavior is falling. Getting their attention doesnt always mean a reprimand. It can mean a loud, "HEY! You guys need to follow me to the back porch like gentlemen and we can all have freeze pops." It all depends on the circumstance.

The second rule is pretty easy to understand. Dont yell in anger. This is where you can get into trouble yelling. Again, Ive most definitely yelled at my children in anger. Ive yelled out of frustration. "WHY CANT WE USE LISTENING EARS TODAY? IS THAT SO HARD?" It happens. We all get upset sometimes. We all sometimes say things we didnt mean to say in a tone we didnt mean to say it in. After losing my temper one day I called my mom. She wisely told me that it is bound to happen when you spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with someone. The most important thing to do after losing your temper is to own up to it and apologize. "I am sorry for yelling at you earlier. I did not handle that well and I am sorry. Will you please forgive me?" When I do yell at our kids this way, which I do not do often, I make sure that I never put the blame on them. "I am sorry for yelling at you when you spilled my sweet tea. Next time you should be more careful so I dont lose my temper like that." It is never our kids fault when I lose my cool. I did not yell because our child did something-- I yelled because I lost control of my temper. I love watching 19 Kids and Counting on TLC. I am always impressed with how Michelle Duggar handles their household. On her blog post, "Michelle Speaks About Motherhood," she is asked by Melissa at MOPS, "How did you learn to speak to your children softly, even when you are angry?" One of the things I love about Michelle Duggar is that she is always honest, so of course she answers honestly:

I haven’t mastered this one yet. Just the other day, several of my boys made a mess in the living room. It was just normal kid stuff, but I got angry and overreacted to the mess. But I feel that by God’s grace, he is giving me some success over yelling. There are times I have to whisper to myself, “I’m not going to lose it. I am going to stay calm.” 

On my page tab, "How do you do it?" I have the verse: ??Psalm 121:1-3, "I lift my eyes to the hills-- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip-- he who watches over you will not slumber." I too depend on Gods grace.

The third rule trumps the other two rules. If we are out at the park and I keep having to yell at the boys, "Stop!" "Wait!" "Hold on!" It is time to go. If my instructions are not getting through and they are immediately disregarding what Im saying to them, it is time for a complete change of activity. If we are at home and Im trying to get ready and the boys are all ignoring the house rule of "no rough housing in the family room," I will probably holler from my bedroom, "Boys! Calm down!" That usually will get them to stop. If I have to holler again, I come out and calmly issue a warning, "You guys either need to sit and watch your show or go play in the playroom." The third time I come out, I turn off the television and tell them it is time to go play somewhere else. Sometimes they will happily go play in the playroom or back porch and I can finish getting ready. Sometimes they just move from being way too rough in the family room to being way too rough in the playroom or back porch and Im constantly interrupted (and thus unable to finish getting ready) by tears and arguments. This is when I know that Im not getting through to them and they need to go sit on their beds. This is definitely a time where I start feeling frustrated. I feel like Im giving them great options-- watching shows, playing in the playroom, splashing in the water table on our back porch-- and instead they want to fuss and fight and yell and scream. It is frustrating. Its been really important for me to figure out a solution that doesnt upset me because when I am interrupted every thirty seconds by yet another fight, it gets exhausting. That is why I have them sit on their beds in their own space and I can take the 10 minutes I need to pray, refocus, get ready, and face the day still fresh without feeling like we got off on the wrong foot (which, as every mom knows, has a tendency to affect the outcome of the rest of the day). This third rule also helps when I break the second rule. If I feel myself getting frustrated and raising my voice too much, it really helps to remind myself that this is not getting through to them. All I am doing is yelling to hear my own voice, let out my frustration. It is time for a different plan of action that is less frustrating for everyone. If I am feeling frustrated by how they are behaving, they are probably feeling frustrated with our current activity. If a free-for-all in the playroom is making them fuss and fight, they are probably needing something more structured. If our outside play time is dissolving in tears and toy battles, it is probably time to switch activities. Getting angry and yelling at them will not make them get along better if they themselves are done participating in our current activity.

For me, my biggest obstacle is feeling frustrated, especially lately. Weve really been focusing on our household rules now that we are rapidly approaching the arrival of baby #4. We dont want baby #4 to arrive on the scene with a bundle of new rules that suddenly all his siblings have to follow. Some of the rules have been our rules for all time-- such as no rough housing in the family room-- but are harder for the boys to follow now that they are 5-years old and 3-years old (the couch is more fun when all the pillows are on the floor and you are jumping on them...). Some of the other rules are new but will be sanity savers when baby #4 arrives, such as playing quietly in their room until a certain time each morning. Feelings of frustration are normal in parenthood. It is hard not to feel frustrated when you get every one out of the house for a fun day at the park and all your toddlers want to do is cling and whine. It is hard not to feel frustrated when Daddy gets home from a long, tiring day at work to walk into a house of screaming, fighting children who are whining that they arent tired. It is very hard not to feel frustrated when I really need to rest my almost 32-weeks pregnant self and the boys are screeching for help in the restroom or battling to the death over a toy in the playroom; it is hard not to feel like, "Dont I ever get a break?"

Times like that are when I turn to God. It sounds cliché, but I remind myself of the verses on love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

I cant create that type of love on my own; that kind of love comes from God. Knowing that this is the love that he puts in my heart to share with my children is how I humble myself to stop when I realize how Im behaving is wrong. Would love feel this angry over a lost Croc? Would love continue to yell at 3-year olds who were being more curious than naughty? Would love remind our 5-year old how he failed earlier that day? No, when I think of these verses, I am reminded that when our boys are feeling frustrated with each other and fussing and whining, sometimes they just need a hug. When I am having a day where I just really feel frustrated and short-tempered, love is what motivates me to talk about it with my girlfriends because it really helps to have someone pray for me, offer sweet words, or simply relate. Im far, far, far from perfect, but I love, love, love these children that we have been blessed with and I hope and pray that every day we show them how big Gods love is.

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Washington DC December 2011

One of the things about being a stay-at-home mom is that you never get a break. There is no "lunch hour." I cant tell my kids, "Sorry, guys, Momma is on her half." No. It is a 24/7 job. And when things are rough is when I am needed most. My husband and I were talking the other day about what it is like when he comes home and asks "So, what did you guys do all day?" or "Have you packed my lunch yet?" He said that sometimes he thinks that I think (follow that?) he can do whatever he wants when he leaves the house, that his job isnt hard. I told him flat out no way. I think his job is exceptionally challenging. I know he works hard. I know he studies hard. I know he is under a lot of pressure. The key difference between his job now (college) and my job (stay-at-home mother) is that when hes stuck on a difficult problem he can take 5, go get a cup of coffee, and approach the problem with a cleared mind. He has other bonuses as well: he has adult interactions during the day, he gets affirmation that hes doing a good job (I would love someone telling me, "A+ work today!"), and his success is measured. Honestly, I think he works harder than I do. My job is like a stream running down a mountain. It is steady, daily work that few people notice, but that stream does have a purpose. I know that my job is important and I enjoy my job. But, man, there are days when you just cant catch a break. One child wakes up in a bad mood, the other wants to spend the entire day yanking down everything in sight while the first child screams whenever you put him down, and the preschooler asks over and over again, "When will he stop crying? Can we go ride bikes? Can we go on a walk? Can you play with me? Do you want to snuggle?" Those are the days that your husband calls and says, "Did you get my PT stuff washed?" Not only is the answer "no," but your dryer is full of now-wrinkly clothes and your washer is full and probably needs to get ran again on high heat so the clothes dont smell moldy. Plus you originally planned to make something for dinner that required 10 minutes of prep work and stirring-- not happening while children are screaming and clinging on you.

The hardest days for me are the ones where I am busy non-stop. Like when we have preschool drop off and pick up, doctors appointments, grocery shopping (even when it is just an online pick up-- still gotta put the groceries away!), maybe a playdate thrown in there, and laundry. And dishes. Always those blasted dishes. The toddlers are fussy. The preschooler is grouchy. The dog is wild. Im distracted. Or just getting a little cranky with kids hanging on me crying. And I do the best that I can all day. Giving the kids hugs and smiles. Trying to involve them in my chores and errands. Singing songs with them while we work or wait. I struggle through bedtime by myself. O doesnt want to do his medicine so we sing songs together for the entire nebulizer treatment. I keep telling C to stop pulling DVDs off the shelf. D doesnt want to go to bed when Daddy isnt home. The toddlers dont want to brush teeth; they want to yank everything out of the bathroom cupboards. No one wants to calm down for stories and prayers; they want to pull my hair and argue over my lap. I finally, finally, finally get them all down to bed to come out, pour a glass of wine, and start working my way through the dishes. Then I pick up all the toys around the house. Put all the loose socks I find in the hamper. Finally, finally, finally sit down on the couch to pet the dog and put my feet up when my husband walks in the door, "Hey, would you mind packing my lunch? I have a lot to get done tonight. I have a paper due at 11:30 pm." Whenever that happens I get an image in my mind of a cartoon balloon popping and flying through the air as it deflates.

It is hard to put into words what I do as a stay-at-home mom. I met up with a girlfriend of mine at the park today. We havent seen each other in a couple weeks. She says, "How have things been going since I saw you last?" And you think... wow. Miscarriage, vacation, Os asthma, day to day life with three kids... How do you express it all? I say, "Pretty good. You?" And I know shes thinking medical stresses with one of her children, life with three kids (kindergartner plus twins), husbands work schedule, day to day life... And she says, "Pretty good." And then we fill each other in. We both know how crazy our day to day life is. We both know how weve been stressing about our kids. We both know how hectic it is managing our kids around our husbands work schedule. But it is hard to put it in words. When we left the park, she had to go get her oldest from the bus. Mine was in the back of the car yelling, "I have to pee!" One of my toddlers was pouring a juice box in between his legs onto his car seat. Unloading the van at home, both toddlers sprinted down the driveway to the road. I put them down to nap while they kicked and screamed (and strangely calmed down during prayers). When I walked into the kitchen after putting them down to nap, I found my oldest at the table with permanent markers and glue sticks. The dog found an orange stuffed inside a shoe. Our days werent over-- or any easier-- after chasing toddlers around a park for a couple hours.

I think the best way to describe being a stay-at-home mom is "constant stimulation."

There is no compartmentalizing anything. You cant schedule the day and say, "Okay, kids. We are going to change diapers at 9:00 am, then breakfast from 9:15-9:30. After breakfast you can have 15 minutes of playtime while I clean up the dishes..." Even as I write this blog my oldest is saying, "Hey, Mom, look at all these stickers I have. Hey, Mom, when can I watch Dinosaur Train? Hey, Mom, does paint come out of hair? Hey, Mom, when is our dogs birthday?" And the diaper changing is constant. This morning O had a stinky diaper when he woke up. C had a stinky diaper after breakfast. O had another small stinky diaper while I was cleaning up breakfast, then another small stinky diaper before we did his breathing treatment. C went down for a short morning nap and then woke up with a stinky diaper! Including Cs wet diaper this morning and his wet diaper before morning nap, I changed 7 diapers before noon.

Picture taken by TwinBug Photography
at twinbugphotography@yahoo.com

This morning didnt go as planned. Not only did our plans fall through for this morning, but C woke up in a right little mood. He didnt want to sit in his high chair for breakfast. He didnt want to eat his breakfast after I convinced him to sit in his high chair. He didnt want me to put him down. And he didnt want to stop crying or fussing even when I was holding him. Eventually I just put him down for a nap. His eyes were closed before I finished saying prayers with him. When one child is acting this way, I still have other things I need to get done. I still need to get myself ready. I still need to make the other boys breakfast. I still need to feed the dog. I still need to get D to preschool on time (or as close to on time as possible!). Life doesnt just pause because one of the children would rather spend the morning crying in my lap.

If youve read my tab, "How do you do it?", you will have already seen this:

As much as I love my job, sometimes I feel insecure about whether or not I am "doing the right thing." There is so much going on, from supporting my husband in his career to being a full-time "domestic engineer." Sometimes I wish someone would come by the house and say, "You know how your little guy has the same tantrum everyday for the same reason? Well, you are handling it the right way. You are doing such a great job being loving, yet firm. In about two months he will grow out of that and you will have instilled a great lesson in him. And, by the way, you should wait a month or two after you get your orders before you move. Your husband can help you move then and your oldest will easily transfer kindergartens. Keep up the good work." But there is no one knocking on my door letting me know whether or not we are making the right parenting decisions.

Sometimes the hardest thing about being a stay-at-home mom is that you get no credit. Your kids dont thank you for changing their diapers; they actually fight you tooth and nail the entire diaper change. Your husband probably wont notice that you finished the laundry (unless you are like me and really behind on the laundry). In fact, most of the time, the only feedback you get is negative. I dont think my husband realizes what hes saying when he asks, "When will you get the grocery shopping done? Id really love some extra things for my lunch." I dont think he means anything when he says, "When will the laundry be done?" And I know my preschooler isnt making statements about my parenting when he begs to go outside on a beautiful day or asks me to read him a story while Im cooking dinner (always breaks my heart when he asks to do things I would love to do with him but cant for one reason or another). And I know my toddlers arent trying to make me look like a bad mom when they repeatedly yank everything off shelves or throw tantrums when I tell them no or flail in shopping carts. And all those wonderful strangers that like to give me parenting advice while we are out in public-- gotta love them. I know all of this isnt a report card on my ability to be a stay-at-home mom, but it sure is frustrating to see no progress and somehow makes me feel like Im failing on some level.

Sometimes things just dont pan out like I would like them to. Sometimes the toddlers are sick and I cant take them outside. Sometimes the day is too busy for me to get the grocery shopping done. Sometimes I start laundry and totally forget about it because my day is out of control.

Most of the time, I have a valid reason why something doesnt get done. I am, after all, one person. My to-do list is never completed. At the moment, we are going through all those dark corners in our house that junk collects so that we are prepared for our move to South Carolina (when it eventually happens). But you know what? Sometimes my to-do list doesnt get done because I need a break. I dont think that just because you stay home with the kids means you have to work like an indentured servant. There are times when I take more breaks than other times. For instance, when the kids are sick-- one or all of them-- I do no work at nap time that doesnt have to get done. I dont get the house back up to "visitor standards;" I leave the toys all over the floor and I try to rest before they wake up again. If I feel myself just losing patience or feeling exhausted, especially during this last pregnancy, I follow the same rule. On a regular day, like today, I give myself an hour or two. I pick things up so I dont have a whole days worth of mess to clean up later. I prep dinner so Im not doing all the prep work after the toddlers wake up from nap. But then, I do something I want to do, even if there is more work to be done. Our preschooler has some quiet time (right now hes doing art) and I have some "me time." Most days I read. Some days I catch up on the Bachelor. Today Im blogging.

But my time is up. The laundry needs to be moved. The dishes need to be done. Dinner needs to get in the oven. The toddlers will be up in T minus 60 minutes...

How do you deal with the challenges of being a stay at home parent?

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I wanted to post an update on how things are going with Os reactive airways. Our pediatrician is now calling it asthma. They dont officially diagnose asthma until 24-months; O has just reached 23-months and showing every sign of being an asthmatic. For several months now, weve had a routine: Pulmicort via nebulizer in the morning and at night. It takes about 12 minutes to give him his Pulmicort in the nebulizer-- each time, 12 minutes in the morning and 12 minutes at night. He only needed to go on the Orapred once last fall since starting the daily regulator, early in the fall. He was eligible for the Synagis vaccine this year (woo hoo!); hes had 4 of the 5 vaccines. Thankfully he avoided catching many colds. We had a string of runny noses starting around Thanksgiving, nothing much more than that. Knock on wood, we havent caught stomach flu yet this year either. But then O came down with a cough at the end of February. The cough wasnt too bad; his twin brother C caught it as well and was fine. Os cough hit his chest and got him wheezing. I brought him into the pediatrician since it really started sounding bad on a Friday (always a Friday, never a Monday when the pediatrician is open!). She told me what to do if his breathing started getting out of control and went over the asthma treatment plan with me again. We went into the weekend feeling pretty good, though a little nervous. Saturday O needed Albuterol about every 6 hours. Sunday he needed them more than that, every 4-5 hours. By Monday, he sounded the same after Albuterol as he did before. I called on Monday and he was started on Orapred that day. He used Albuterol Monday, every 4-5 hours, and on Tuesday, every 6 plus hours, while taking the Orapred and his daily regulator, Pulmicort. I was so nervous that he would need to go to the hospital since he was still using Albuterol. Thankfully, thankfully, thankfully he sounded much better by Wednesday; he used no Albuterol on Wednesday or on Thursday.

Even more nerve-wracking is this was the week I needed to have my D&C (read my blog post "Miscarriage") and so he was left with his baby-sitters. I hated leaving him. I knew I needed to take care of myself, but I wanted to watch him, make sure he was breathing okay. What really made me nervous was that he would have an attack. One of the big problems he was having was that his cough would make him cry; once he started crying, he couldnt catch his breath, which made him cough and cry more; he was having retractions that pulled at his collarbone. He wasnt eating or napping. He would sit in my lap and wheeze. My heart broke leaving him on Wednesday to go to the hospital. Logically, I felt good knowing that he had already had two days of Orapred and that he needed less Albuterol on Tuesday than he did on Monday. Emotionally, I thought of him sitting in my lap wheezing, knowing how quickly things can change, from my own experience with asthma and from what the doctors have told me about reactive airways in toddlers. I dont think I could have left him with the sitter, if not for the fact that our baby-sitters also have asthma. They are comfortable taking care of him and know what to watch for. I had my phone with me as long as I could; my husband had his phone on him the whole time. We got home from the hospital around noon and O was doing great.

On day #5 of the Orapred, I brought O in for a follow-up on his breathing. His oxygen levels were awesome and his lungs sounded great. We had a trip planned (ready my blog post "Let it be") and she asked if we wanted inhalers too, for travelling. So now he has Pulmicort in nebulizer and inhaler form. He already had Albuterol in nebulizer and inhaler form; we keep an Albuterol inhaler and aero chamber in our diaper bag along with his Asthma management plan. This works out great because mornings are a little difficult for us. This morning we had a lot going on and used the Pulmicort inhaler with the aero chamber. Occasionally we miss the morning Pulmicort because it is so hard to get D to preschool, get the boys dressed, and do the nebulizer. We dont miss it very often because O does well sitting with it on his face if I am in the room with him, telling him "sit" or "hold still" if he starts knocking his mask off. But now with the inhaler, we wont ever miss it.

On most days, I do the first Pulmicort nebulizer treatment after dropping D off at school. Some days we have to do it before D goes to school; those days are rough. We do the second treatment at night, before bed. We try to have it finished 10-15 minutes before they go to bed so we have time for teeth brushing at prayers. During the nightly Pulmicort we read stories and watch Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune. The days that he needs Albuterol, I do my best to time the treatments. They make him jittery, wired. I try to do them 45 minutes before he goes to sleep or eat. Sometimes he will still nap immediately after doing an Albuterol treatment. Some days he will still eat after doing a treatment. Most of the time, he just wants to run in circles or rock back and forth in his high chair after doing Albuterol. I try to give him some time to get the "sillies" out, as we call them. The bad times are when the Albuterol doesnt affect him much and he still wants to sit afterwards. That is when he is really struggling, like this last time he went on Orapred. He still just wanted to sit in my lap after the Albuterol. The Orapred can upset his stomach. I try to give that to him an hour or so after hes eaten, so he has a full tummy and it has had time to settle. I dont know how much this all helps. I dont know if I time things in a way that helps him. Maybe it makes me feel that Im helping.

Since the first time he went on Orapred was right when he started his daily regulator, Pulmicort, and he only had to go on Orapred once after that, our doctor wants to keep him on the Pulmicort. She says if he has another episode like this, we may need to think of changing his medications. Obviously we are praying that doesnt happen, not now. But, for now, we are doing well.

Previous blog posts about Os reactive airways:

• "Reactive airways"
• "Life still goes on"
• "Homemade medical IDs"
• "2012-2013 RSV season"

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Before you even read the rest of this, you should know that today is not my best mommy day. I was up half the night with Braxton Hicks. Our asthmatic toddler is having a small flare up, not too bad but enough to put him out of sorts. I woke up exhausted; he woke up whining. Then I served the boys breakfast, crock pot oatmeal with apples, cinnamon, and brown sugar simmered in it all night, topped with walnuts and heavy cream this morning. There was an absolute boycott at breakfast, "What is this? This not how you make oatmeal!" Our oldest said, "I like oatmeal how Marmie makes it, not like this." (Marmie is my momma.) By 9 am, I was exhausted and ready for either a re-do of the day or bedtime. I would like to note that the oatmeal was really good and tasted almost exactly like the instant packets of Quaker Oats Apple and Cinnamon, plus it was ready as soon as we got up!

So this blog post is brought to you by my pleasant weve-made-it-to-mid-afternoon attitude. With that said, I thought this would be the perfect afternoon to give you a follow-up on potty training toddler twins.

How has potty training been going? Im going to say, "Good..."

Why such a tentative answer? You would think that getting 2 toddlers out of diapers would be a hands down relief. I certainly thought it would be (read "Potty training 2.5 year old twin boys?"). In a lot of ways, it is. I dont have to change their poopy diapers; every parent knows that by the time your children are reaching 3-years old, their stinky diapers are horrendous. Not changing those is nice. It is also nice not to worry about buying diapers. While we werent flying through diapers with twin toddlers like we were with twin infants, we still needed a diaper stash. Even better, I havent bought baby wipes in months.

But there is a downside. I read this post by "30 Fingers, 30 Toes: Potty Training & Avoiding Public Restrooms." I couldnt agree more. It is a nightmare. When I go out with the boys by myself, most of the time I have to drag all our stuff into the bathroom with us (reason number 1 that I still push a stroller, as mentioned in "Toddler twin must haves (2yo to 3yo)"). Once I get us all in there, I have 3 boys exploring a public bathroom with their hands. Our 5-year old really is very good in the bathroom, but he starts trying to help wrangle his brothers and it just becomes this whole hands on experience. In the public bathroom. The toddlers are pretty good. As in, grabbing hand rails, trying to help lift the toilet lids, wanting to help lock and unlock the bathroom stalls... Washing their hands is a struggle. After I wash one set of hands, hes off trying to man-handle the trash can to throw his paper towel away while Im stuck at the sink trying to wash the other set of hands, while their older brother is opening the bathroom door to "help" hold the door for me (which, in action, is really just letting his brothers escape before Im done). It is non-stop stress for me from the moment we enter the bathroom to when we finally leave it. One of the few pluses, which really is a plus whether they are potty trained or not, is that I can have them all stand next to the stroller outside of the bathroom stall where I can see their feet so I dont have to have them all in the bathroom stall with me; our 5-year old is very good at bossing his brothers around and enjoys when I tell him to make sure no one moves an inch.

Then you have the constant, "I have to go potty!" When we go out as a family, well be sitting at the restaurant table and our oldest will say he has to use the restroom. Since we are sitting close to the restroom and can see him go in and out, we say, "Go ahead." We watch him leave the table and head into the bathroom. Then one of the toddlers says he has to go. We ask the other toddler if he also needs to use the restroom. He says no. So my husband takes the first toddler to the bathroom. Our oldest comes out of the bathroom and says he saw Daddy in the bathroom with his brother to which the second toddler declares that he, in fact, does have to go potty. I wait until my husband comes out of the bathroom with the first toddler before getting the second toddler out of his high chair to go meet his daddy. My husband takes the second toddler to the bathroom and then we will all settle back at the table before one of the toddlers exclaims, "I have to go poop!" Right now it is very hard to tell if this is a game or real. Our oldest, when potty training, often would use the restroom and then need to go back for the larger functions. Our toddlers have followed that trend. However, when all 3 of them are rotating through the restroom our entire meal, our understanding of, "Hes still learning what his body is telling him," is lost. It just becomes tiring. We can tell our oldest, "Well, you are going to wait." We started potty training our toddlers in February and it is now April... thats not a ton of potty training experience under their belt and the consequences of making a toddler wait that really does need to use the bathroom does not yet outweigh the benefit of making said toddler wait. Sometimes we make all of them go to the bathroom when we get up with one, especially if out by ourselves with all 3 of the boys. This often helps eliminate the "Oh, I really do want to go" after the other boys come back from the bathroom. However, we still get the "I have to go poop!" after we settle back into our table or out at the park.

Speaking of the larger functions, it is difficult when both toddlers really do need to go poop. If you have ever been in a public bathroom, you are probably familiar with the fact that they are equipped with one toilet in each stall. My husband felt bad one day when both toddlers were occupying the only 2 stalls in the mens bathroom and a gentleman came in wanting to use a stall. I often will take both into the handicap stall and make the other wait, but that can be hard when you can tell looking at the toddlers face who is waiting that he really does need to use the restroom. Again, not really one of those times where the consequence of making him wait outweighs the benefit. Logistically, it is quite difficult when one toddler is finished in one stall and the other toddler is finished in the other stall, especially when you hear the waiting toddler start touching things in the other, out of sight, stall. I dont know how many times I have hollered over a stall, "DONT TOUCH ANYTHING."

Then there are the other joys of potty training boys. A common problem we are having now is not pulling their shirts up enough when standing to tinkle. This means changing shirts because the bottom of the shirt gets wet. Or they dont pull their pants down enough so the top band gets wet. My husband has jokingly said, "Its just a little pee." But as every momma knows, there is no such thing as a "little pee." We still havent tackled nights yet. We do pull-ups at night (the Target brand pull-ups have submarines on them!). We do have them nap in underwear. Their mattress are zipped into waterproof mattress covers. We have 2 sets of spare sheets always clean in the linen closet. We switched from diapers at night to pull-ups because they were not able to take their diapers off in the night or in the morning to use the restroom; they are able to pull the pull-ups up and down by themselves without requiring us to change them (yay for more sleep in the morning and not having to get up in the night!). One of our toddlers has started getting up in the night to use the restroom. Hes even had a couple days this week of waking up dry. If I wasnt 31-weeks pregnant, I would seriously consider potty training him for overnight. Even with this progress, we are still having issues during naptime, especially when they are over tired or sick. If we have a super busy morning and they are beat tired, they will pass out and sleep for 3 hours straight-- like rocks. Rocks that have the risk of wetting the bed. When we first started potty training them, we held our breath every naptime-- will they make it through nap without having an accident? It was a risk we were willing to take. We knew we didnt want to do pull-ups for naptime and we wanted them to learn, so we just kind of threw them into it. Now it isnt so stressful when they go down to nap, save for the above mentioned times. They really dont nap too often or too long anymore anyways and, if they do start to wet the bed, it usually wakes them up. They will wet a small amount and wake up angry like cats in a bathtub, "My bed is wet!" We really dont have many naptime accidents anymore. The accidents we have are usually attire related (they cant get their jeans down fast enough which leads to panicked accidents next to the toilet) or logistic accidents (sitting down to use the restroom and not getting everything squared away before tinkling).  I think our toddlers are more prone to these little accidents because they dont have an adult shadowing them every time they use the bathroom; our oldest was also a little taller and so I think some of this was much easier for him to handle logistically.

The last joy of potty training is the potty training rebellion. We experienced this with our oldest, having accidents after he mastered potty training. We felt like he did this to see what his boundaries were. "Okay, I wanted to potty train and now Ive done it; what are my rules now?" Potty training twins was potty training rebellion times two. Maybe times a million because taking care of 3 kids and being in my third trimester really made the potty training rebellion super frustrating. Our oldest didnt host a rebellion with me and then another one with my hubby; one of our toddlers didnt do it that way either. The other toddler, after rebelling with me, starting a potty training rebellion every night when Daddy got home. Oh, it was just a frustrating time. I felt that between potty training at naptime and the little accidents that happened during the day, I was doing laundry all the time! I also kept thinking, "Surely it wasnt like this with our oldest?" In a lot of ways it was and wasnt. While one of our toddlers decided he wanted to potty train at 2.5-years old and did-- contrary to our oldest who we told to potty train after he turned 3-years old-- the rest of his potty training path has been very similar to our oldest. It just all fell into place and he did a great job with it. Our other toddler has been a wild card. Sometimes we felt like he really did want to potty train and sailed through it; other times we felt like it was all a big charade. Sometimes we wondered if we needed to go back to diapers with him, but then we felt we had come too far in potty training him and that he would learn bad behavior had no consequence, that we would concede and put him back in diapers... It was confusing. So it was hard on the frustrating days with the one toddler who treated potty training like a joke on occasion not to feel super frustrated when the other toddler, the one who wanted to do this, had a legitimate accident. I would feel like, "I have done nothing but change sheets and change clothes all day long and here we go! Another accident!" When really I had changed his twin brothers sheets and clothes and this was his first accident that day and, on top of that, was a real accident, compared to his brother who had "on purposes," as my hubby and I have come to call them. It was very important to pay attention to who was having accidents and what type of accidents they were and not just heap all of the accidents together. It wasnt fair to either of the toddlers, the one in the right or the one in the wrong. Why should the one in the right be punished for his brothers crime? And why should the one in the wrong not have to bear his own punishment?

The last frustrating point of having potty trained twins is the laundry. I know that we arent alone in having kids who love clothes. Even our oldest is always wanting to change his clothes for his activity. This morning he wore an outfit to rocknroll in (pulling out all our Rock Band accessories) and then put on an outfit to exercise in; now hes outback wearing play clothes. Now we have 2 toddlers with an underwear bin. They want to wear Superman, then Spiderman, then Mickey Mouse, then  Monsters Inc... It is crazy! We do everything we can to stop them from changing. They literally have a lock on their closet where we keep all their clothes, including their underwear, but we still find them sneaking into the dryer and pulling out clean underwear and a clean change of clothes. We find them changing into clothes from the dirty clothes hamper... The amount of clothes they go through in a day is insane. I dont even know how Im going to feel when baby #4 gets here this summer and we are adding newborn laundry into the mix. Will I ever be able to escape our laundry room then??? Our kids change their clothes unnecessarily, but then we have the aforementioned accidents and it all just piles up. Plus my husband who today will 3 different outfits to wash: his uniform, his civilian clothes, and then his t-ball coaching outfit. This is why I stick to pajamas. I can wear them all day and then sleep in them. Easy and completely cuts down on laundry. (Totally kidding! Kind of...)

All in all, potty training our twin toddlers has not been the huge sigh of relief that it was when we potty trained our oldest. I think once we are through with pull-ups and done with these accidents-- small, large, accidental, on purpose-- Ill love potty training more. I think when they are old enough to go into the boys room together and Im not dealing with them touching everything in the public restroom, Ill love potty training more. I think once their bathroom doesnt smell faintly of urine no matter how often I clean it, Ill love potty training more.

Each of our kids has potty trained differently. Two of our boys have been very easy to potty train, the third a little more challenging. I think we were quite spoiled the first time we potty trained, accomplishing days and nights so close together, throwing diapers out all together. I liked how we did it then, but Im reminding myself that it is different now. Even though we potty trained him when we had 3 children, we were only potty training one child. Now we are potty training 2 children and our family is much busier with twin toddlers than when we had twin babies (read "Follow-up on potty training" for the blog post on potty training our oldest).

To quote Monty Python, "Always look at the bright side of life..."

Posts on our potty training journey:

Potty training our oldest son?
"Try to see it my way"

"Why not?"
"Follow-up on potty training"

 

Potty training our identical twin boys

"Potty training 2.5 year old twin boys?"

"Potty training twins: Part 1 {No plan}"
"Potty training twins: Part 2 {The next step}"

"Potty training twins: Part 3 {Treats}"

"Potty training twins: Part 4 {The process}"

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